Sleep, Baby, Sleep

I'm feeling lots of mommy guilt right now.  For the last seven months (longer if you count the fact that I couldn't sleep the last few weeks of my pregnancy) we've been up at least once in the middle of the night...every night.  At first it was because Bailey was being fed every two hours.  Understandably, we were up every couple of hours during the night.  But as she got older, it dwindled and dwindled to the point where she doesn't get a bottle or a diaper change in the middle of the night anymore.  In fact, we don't even pick her up out of her crib.  She's only been waking once in the middle of the night for the last six weeks or so, and it's been as simple as Scott or me popping the bink back in her mouth and she immediately passes out again.  As annoying as it may be to have to get out of bed and walk down the hall JUST to put a pacifier back in her mouth, I haven't minded it all that much.  Until last night...

Bailey has been congested and coughing for the last few days and, of course, hasn't been sleeping well as a result.  Friday night she slept in her bouncer in the crib and woke up just about every hour or so from 11pm to about 7am when I just gave up and brought downstairs for the day.  Saturday night, Madison had a sleepover with Bailey.  In order not to wake Maddy up all night, we let her have Bailey's room and Bailey slept upright in the infant car seat in our room.  Again, she was up just about every hour or two all night.  And it wasn't as simple as just putting her bink back in.  She screamed and fought and refused to fall back to sleep very easily.  I got a total of five hours of sleep all weekend, and Scott got just a bit more than that.  Last night, she fell asleep with no problem.  Scott and I were so tired that we went to bed around the same time that Bailey did.  Just as I was dozing off...scream!  Scott and I were up every few hours from then on out again.  

When she woke up around 4:00 this morning, I just couldn't do it anymore.  Scott was getting ready to go to the gym and went in to get her back to sleep.  She just wouldn't have it.  He came back to the bedroom and asked what I thought he should do.  In my frustrated and sleep-deprived state I did what I swore I'd never do.  "Let her cry", I told him.  I then proceeded to roll over and turn the volume off of her monitor so that I could see her but couldn't hear her (we have a video monitor).  I could hear her crying, even with her bedroom door and ours both closed.  I watched her crying on the monitor and it broke my heart, but I just couldn't do it again.  I couldn't summon the energy to crawl out of bed, walk down the hall, and spend the next 10 minutes trying to calm her down and get her back to sleep.  So, in a half-awake state I listened.  Fifteen minutes of her crying.  Fifteen minutes of me being torn between going in to comfort her and letting her learn to soothe herself back to sleep.  Fifteen minutes...and then silence.  I actually sat up and stared at the monitor to make sure I could see her stomach rising and falling so I knew she was still breathing.  She did it!  I should have been ecstatic, but I only felt guilty.

I know it's a silly thing to worry about and that lots of mothers let their babies cry it out to teach them to self-soothe to go back to sleep.  I (sort of) know that she won't be scarred and that in the long run it may help her.  But I just don't have it in me to do it.  I cannot watch my child cry and not  want to do everything in my power to "make it better".  When she cried herself to sleep I kept thinking, what if she only fell back to sleep because she just gave up trying?  What if she was scared or needed some kind of comfort and now feels like we abandoned her?  What if she thinks we don't care?  What if she really needed me and I just left her to cry?  Deep down I know that she won't remember this years from now.  Deep down I know that she probably wasn't thinking any of those things, I do.  But there's still a part of me ( a big part) that feels like I didn't do right by her in this instance.  I smothering right now in my mommy guilt...

She slept until just before 7 this morning, and when I went in to get her from the crib she smiled big like she always does and started kicking her feet.  When I picked her up she put both arms around my neck, buried her face in my shoulder and squeezed me so tight.  Maybe she was happy to find that I hadn't actually abandoned her.  Maybe she was just glad to be out of her crib.  I'd like to think she was just giving me a big hug.  Her way of saying , "Good morning, mommy!".  Either way, she doesn't seem very bothered by the fact that she cried herself to sleep early this morning.  She seems happy, like always.  And I guess, at the end of the day, that's all that matters. 

7 Months Old!

Bailey is 7 months old today!  I still can't believe how quickly time has flown by.  She's closer to being a year old than she is to being a newborn now!  I know I say it on an almost daily basis, but I'm still in awe.  The past 7 months have been some of the best of my life (PPD and all) and I owe it all to Bailey.  She's made Scott and me so much happier than I ever thought we could be, and her smile just lights up a room.  One of my favorite things is watching her as she notices Scott or me come into a room.  The instant she recognizes that it's one of us she just lights up...HUGE smile, and often she gets so excited that she'll start kicking her legs and making all kinds of noise.  It's the best part of my day...

We can really see her personality starting to come through these days as well.  She's grown to love bath time, which is a total 180 for her.  For those of you who follow my pictures and videos on Shutterfly (if you don't already and would like to, feel free to let me know so I can give you the password), you might remember the video I put up from when Bailey was just three weeks old and we were on vacation at the beach.  The second her toes touched the water in the bath tub Bailey started screaming and she didn't stop until well after we'd taken her out and dried her off.  It took her a good 3 months or so before she even started to be okay with the bath, let alone enjoy it!  Now, though, she loves to splash in the water and play with her tub toys.

She also loves to play.  My mom says that Bailey "likes it rough", and she's right.  Bailey gets a kick out of being tickled and tossed in the air, or flown around like an airplane.  She loves to jump and spin.  Elmo is one of her favorite characters and, no matter what's going on around her, she smiles and laughs when Backpack comes on Dora the Explorer.  She's quick to let us know when she doesn't like something, and isn't at all shy about letting out an angry cry or scream.  We used to joke that she was taking on the personality of a crotchety old lady because she was very, well, crotchety.  She would have these moody times where you couldn't even look at her or she would get all mad and start crying and getting all red in the face.  Now, though, she's coming out of her shell and usually has a smile for everybody.  

Bailey started sitting up on her own last month, and can stand for a few minutes if she's holding onto something (like the couch)...but only if she's in the mood to do it.  She's perfectly capable of rolling over from back to belly and from belly to back, but she'll only do it when we're not looking at her.  She holds her arms out and she reaches for people when she wants them to hold her.  She claps her hands and shakes a rattle, and she's recently taken to talking...a lot.  Most of the time it's just babble at different volumes and pitches (sometimes happy babbling and other times angry or annoyed babbling), but she's starting to say "da da da" and "ba ba ba" more and more.  Scott says he's heard her say "ma ma ma" a few times, but I think he's just trying to make me feel better.  She got her very first tooth a few days ago (note to self: you will be bitten if you put your finger in her mouth when she doesn't want you to!), and I can see another one about to pop through next to the first one. 

She amazes me every day, and I'm so excited that I get to watch her grow up and see all the different facets of her personality every day.  She's becoming quite the entertaining little girl these days, and I have a feeling the next few months (and years) are only going to get better.  She's so much more than we could have ever asked for!

** I need to end this blog with a big thank-you to my brother TJ (and not just because I promised him I'd put him in my next post!) for getting my daycare Kindergartener to school in the crazy snow the other day!  My car never would have made it, and he offered to use Drew's truck (so thanks to you, too, Drew!) to get "A" to school for me.  Thanks, Teej! **

We've Got A...

....tooth!!

Our big news is that Bailey's got her first tooth!  It's just now starting to pop up through her gums, and it's making her pretty unhappy.  You can hardly see it unless you're looking for it and she won't let us touch it anymore (annoying mother that I am, I guess I stuck my finger in her mouth one too many times) but it's definitely there and I can feel it when I poke around.  Yay!!  Although, this means we're in for quite a few days of misery...Bailey gets super fussy when she's uncomfortable.  We'll see how things go.

In other news, we had a GREAT weekend!  Scott had to clock a game Friday night, so Bailey and I had a girls' night.  We went and had dinner at the mall, then did some shopping.  I picked up a few cute outfits for her at The Children's Place (they're having a sale!), enjoyed a latte and just strolled with her for a bit.  We got home late, and she and Scott played for a few minutes before she went to bed for the night.  

On Saturday night, Bailey had a sleepover with Madison at Aunt Meg and Uncle Drew's house.  I'm not sure how much sleep everyone actually got, but the intention was there!  Scott and I had a fantastic date night.  We were a boring old couple first and did our grocery shopping.  But we got dressed up and went to dinner and a movie later that night.  We ended up seeing No Strings Attached, which was decent, but I can't really take Ashton Kutcher seriously in a movie.  Still a good flick, though.  And as an added bonus, we both got a full night's uninterrupted sleep!  

On a completely unrelated note, I filled my last daycare opening!  I've got a baby girl who is four days younger than Bailey and I love it.  The girls all play together and Bailey, Madison and their new buddy chatted back and forth pretty much all day yesterday.  Also, I'm down 15 pounds!  Still got a LONG way to go and I can't really tell that I've lost anything yet, but the scale says that I have so I'm going with it.  

And now, one of the girls is waking up (and screaming) from a nap.  Duty calls!

Mommy Moments

I'd like to think I'm a good mom.  I love my daughter like crazy and she's quite a happy baby (most of the time).  She's fed, clothed, bathed, played with, stimulated and adored.  She's well-taken care of and (yes, I'm tooting my own horn) it shows.  But there times where I sit down and say to myself, what the hell was I thinking?

Last night, for instance.  Lately, Bailey has taken a liking to one of my baking spatulas.  It's soft enough that it won't hurt her, but hard enough for her to chomp on (since everything goes into her mouth).  She was jumping in her jumperoo and dropped it on the kitchen floor while Scott and I were cooking dinner, so I tossed it in the sink to rinse off later.  Bailey immediately started fussing (how dare I clean her new favorite toy?), so without really thinking, I took a regular metal spoon from the drawer and gave it to her to play with, then continued making dinner.

Not three minutes later, she poked herself in the eye and scratched her cheek with the metal edge.  Immediately started crying and making all kinds of angry noises at me.  Where was my brain when I gave her that spoon, you ask?  Apparently, it was on strike.  I had to laugh, though, when I turned around and Scott (who's been known to have a few brainless moments himself) was shaking his head at me.  Well...at least she didn't poke her eye out.  And all it took were an ice pack and a few kisses from mommy and daddy to make it all better.

I'm going to predict right now that there will be many more "mommy moments" in the future.  I said I was a good mom, not a perfect one.     ;-)

Just a quick post to say:

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!!

They're celebrating their 27th anniversary today.  They've raised three (fantastic) kids, have two (wonderful) grandchildren, and have done SO much in the last 27 years together...it's crazy to think that it's been so long for them.  Congrats, Mom and Dad, here's to many more!

She's Back!

After a week and half battling the stomach flu, Bailey is finally back to her old self!  She's drinking formula again and keeping that down, plus her cereal.  We haven't tried any solids yet, still too afraid it'll mess with her stomach yet.  Maybe we'll try tomorrow.  In any case, we have our happy baby back...and couldn't be happier!

In other Bailey news...In addition to clapping and (sporadically) waving, Bailey has learned a new "trick".  Her Uncle Kevin taught her to spit last night!  It's more like blowing raspberries, but she's doing it.  You might be thinking, Uh-oh...she's in trouble now!  But it's actually a good thing, for two reasons.  One: she mimicked Kevin when he blew raspberries at her.  She just stared at his mouth for a minute and then started doing the same thing.  And two: it'll help her with her speech later on.  That's how babies learn to start babbling and talking.  Call me crazy, but as long as she's not doing it specifically to be mean (which, I highly doubt she would at 6 months old), I have no problem with the "spitting"...for now!  I actually thought that she'd forgotten all about it because she hadn't done it once this morning.  But then came breakfast.  By the time I was done feeding her, she and I were wearing more of the cereal than she had actually gotten in her belly, thanks to her "ability" to spit at the spoon as I was putting it to her mouth.  Classy...

In completely unrelated news, I lost another 2 lbs. this week, putting my total weight loss at 11lbs. in two weeks.  Can't complain about that! 

What Do I Know?

Not much, apparently. 

Bailey threw up (actually, the phrase "projectile vomit" is more appropriate in this case) Tuesday night.  I posted quickly about it earlier...she hit me, Scott, the furniture, the carpet.  Cooper was pretty much the only thing she didn't coat in regurgitated carrots.  She seemed fine afterwards, no tears, no fussing.  We all stripped down and I put her in the tub.  Just before I put her in the water, she threw up again.  But she was fine during her bath and slept pretty well that night.

Then the next day she was pretty miserable.  She took FIVE NAPS (yes, five), which is unusual for her, as she only naps twice a day normally.  She was giving me a hard time taking a bottle, so I gave her more of her Gerber foods (she loves the bananas and green beans).  She ate it without a problem and was smiling and babbling the whole way through.  I picked her up out of the highchair...and was wearing those bananas a second later.  Add diarrhea into the mix...good times.

Thursday was pretty much the same thing, except that she would drink a sip or two of her bottle here and there, but then refused it.  Today, she wouldn't even take a sip of her bottle and she threw up the food she ate. 

I worked in daycare for four years.  I've seen it all, from the common cold to pink eye to whooping cough to the flu.  You'd think I be able to figure out that my own daughter had some kind of bug, but nope.  Not this chick.  At first I thought, Guess we've gotta start burping her after each bottle again.  Then I thought, Maybe we're over-feeding her?  Then, Maybe she's teething?  The poor kid was getting Tylenol and a teething ring every four hours. 

I finally got a clue and took her to the doctor's office this afternoon.  Turns out she has a stomach virus, hence the vomiting and diarrhea.  Since she can't keep any food down she's now on a strict diet of Pedialyte (which she's refusing to take, go figure).  Then when she can drink a full bottle of that without getting sick we can go back to formula and work a little bit of solids back into her diet.  But the best part of it all (sense my sarcasm here) is that her stomach virus is contagious.  So, not only do I have to warn all my daycare kids' parents, but I also have to keep an eye out because I'm with her 24/7 and will most likely end up sick.  Nice.

TGIF!!!!

The Dark Side

I've got a few minutes while Bailey and my daycare kids are napping, and thought I'd take the opportunity to post about my experience on The Dark Side (as I like to call it).  It took me awhile to come to terms with it, and I know that a lot of other moms go through the same thing but they either don't know what's really going on or feel too ashamed to say anything about it, and so nothing ever comes to light.  Now that I'm (working on) getting past it and moving on, I figured I'd share my experience.  Now bear with me here, because this could get long. 

Before Bailey was born, I had all these pictures in my mind of how our life would be once she was here.  I would dream about it and sometimes the dreams would be so vivid that when I woke up I'd swear that they really happened.  I'd picture the three of us taking walks together with the baby smiling and happy in her stroller.  I saw a daddy's girl high up on Scott's shoulders, giggling and smiling.  I saw the three of us doing so many things and loving every minute.

I knew that I would bond with my daughter the minute I saw her.  I pictured us locking eyes and her tiny hand wrapping around one of my fingers while we smiled at each other.  I'd always read about women who felt that bond, that all-consuming love the second their baby was laid on their chest.  And that's what I was expecting.  

Being in labor was a surreal experience for me.  I don't think it ever really hit me that this was it when my contractions started.  I went through the motions...get the epidural...have your water broken...start pushing...push, push, push...you have a baby!  As soon as she was born, the nurse laid her on my chest.  Bailey and I locked eyes...and that was it.  I'm still ashamed to admit that I didn't feel that bond that I'd always heard about and expected.  She was very alert from the first second, and we gazed at each other for what felt like hours (but was really just a minute before they whisked her away to get weighed and measured), and in that time all I could think was Who is this little person and what the hell am I supposed to do with it?  She didn't cry at first when she was born, and they took her to the other side of the room to do some more suctioning, weighing, measuring.  I watched from the bed, where the doctor was working on my "repair", and I remember wondering why she wasn't crying and if something was wrong with her.  When she did cry, I felt nothing.  No relief, no excitement.  I did feel fear and lots of confusion. 

When we got home, nothing was like I'd pictured it.  Yes, I had my baby and I absolutely loved her.  But nothing was like I thought it would be.  Scott and I fought constantly (looking back, I realize that most of it was my fault for different reasons) to the point where I once told him that I didn't think I wanted to be married anymore.  He has the summers off (he's a high school history teacher), but it was his first year coaching the high school football team so he was working all day every day, and I was home alone with the baby.  Days would go by where I'd look down at myself at 3 in the afternoon and realize that I was still in my pajamas and hadn't combed my hair yet.  I never left the house (except for Sunday dinners at my parents' house).  Breastfeeding wasn't going well at all (I will never get over that one), and Bailey went through periods where all she would do was scream.  Nothing I did could calm her down, not rocking or swaddling or feeding.  Something about her cries hit me straight in the heart.  I couldn't take them.  When she cried, I cried...every time.  It caused me physical pain, and I just couldn't handle it. I was a first time mom with little or no help and I had no clue what I was doing.  If I had asked for help, I'd have had my family and Scott's here in about 4 seconds, but I honestly never even thought to ask.  Every day blurred into the next until I felt like I was in a constant cycle of wake, cry, sleep.  My house was a disaster, I was a disaster, and for a little while there I truly thought my marriage was going to take the hit.  I cried every single day, and those of you who know me know that I very, very rarely cry.  It was mortifying and sad to me to realize that I couldn't handle it, that I wasn't the woman and the mother that I thought I would be.  I wasn't me anymore.  I put on a good show of smiling and making an effort when I was around other people, and I don't think anyone even knew how things were at this point.  But I felt like I was failing my daughter and my husband and I didn't know what to do.

One night when Bailey was about 3 months old, friends of ours (Devon and his wife Diana) came to visit (the guys had a fantasy football draft or something).  I remember sitting down with Bailey and Diana and talking to Di about life with baby.  I can't remember what exactly I said, but I remember later that night thinking about it.  Scott had asked me if I had a good time with Diana, and I remember saying yes and then bits and pieces of what I had said to her coming back to me.  I remembered telling her things about my life that I hadn't admitted to anyone (most of the above) and wondering why the hell I had said what I did.  It bothered me most of that night, and I decided that maybe I wasn't "normal".  So I called my OB (who I absolutely LOVE, by the way) and made an appointment for the next day.

I'm ashamed to say that I completely broke down in her office.  Before I had even gotten pregnant I'd talked to her about it and how badly I wanted a baby soon after getting married.  So her first question to me was, "How's life, Mommy?  Are you loving it?".  I smiled and started to give her the response I gave everyone because I was too embarrassed to admit otherwise, "I love it!"  I choked out that single sentence and burst into tears.  I spent almost an hour in her office and, bless her heart, she never once tried to rush me through it or hustle me out of the office so she could see her next patient.  I laid it all out for her and told her how I felt like I wasn't good enough to be Bailey's mother and that she deserved better, how I was a terrible wife, didn't know what the hell I was doing every day, that nothing was like I thought it would be...everything.  I couldn't understand why I couldn't get it together like every other mother I knew.  The whole time I was sitting there crying and telling this woman basically that I was an unfit mother, my sweet girl was napping in her car seat.  Every time I looked at her I started crying again.  She was everything I'd always wanted and I just didn't understand why I couldn't step up and get myself to remember that.

The doctor gave me a tissue, put her hand on my shoulder, and told me that I had Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.  I wasn't going crazy, I wasn't a terrible mother...I was "sick" and I needed help.  She wrote out a prescription for an antidepressant and I started it that same day. 

Little by little I started to feel better.  It was easier to handle Bailey's crying and I even figured out a way to comfort her and make her stop.  I started to recognize her hunger cues and her tired cues.  I (almost) came to terms with the breastfeeding difficulties.  I was able to get myself up and dressed before noon every day, and actually had the desire to leave my house more than once a week.  I started talking to friends that I'd just let go of after Bailey was born.  I felt like I was me again and I could start to enjoy things. 

Six months later, I feel that bond with my daughter that I was missing the day she was born.  I understand now what all those mothers were talking about when they said they would do anything for their children.  Now I feel comfortable in my ability to be a good mommy to Bailey, and she makes me smile every single day.  I can't imagine what I would be like without her.  As ashamed as I was to admit that things weren't right, I'm more upset that I didn't figure it out and get help sooner.  Because I feel like I was robbed of those first few months of Bailey's life, and they're just too precious to miss out on. 

I experienced The Dark Side for quite a while; definitely for longer than I should have.  I'm still embarrassed about my doctor's office breakdown and I'll always be sad that I let it go on for so long without realizing it when I could have been enjoying my baby.  But, in a way, I'm sort of grateful.  Because since coming back from The Dark Side, I have a whole new appreciation for motherhood, for Bailey, and for family.  I look back on every day and am thankful that I was able to experience the Mommy aspect of it, whether good or bad.  And now I make it a point to really "cherish" the time I have with Bailey.  I may not be the perfect mother, but I think that I'm a damn good one these days.  I know she loves me.  I make sure to tell her that I love her every day.  And give her lots of hugs.  And, of course, I give her kisses til she screams in annoyance...but I'm pretty sure that's just a mom thing.  ;-) 

Quite possibly the worst picture I've ever seen of myself...but Bailey looks great!!

How Things Have Changed

We (I) didn't get much sleep last night.  After Bailey got sick she went to bed pretty easily and slept for about 4 hours.  But then around 11:30pm she woke up screaming.  We ran in and calmed her down with a bink and she went back to sleep right away.  But about an hour later she was up again, screaming.  And then an hour after that, and an hour after that until we just gave up and brought her into bed with us (me).  She slept fitfully, and kept throwing her arms around and moaning/crying in her sleep.  Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep after that, and gave up around 7am, when I brought her downstairs with me to give her a bottle.  She's been fussy since she woke up and I know she's not feeling well, so I put her down for a nap and am watching her on the monitor while I type this.  She's (finally) sleeping somewhat peacefully.

Scott wasn't lucky enough to get a snow day today (just a 2-hour delay), and he was definitely bummed.  He had his heart set on being able to stay home today with Bailey and me, and I could see how miserable he was when he said goodbye to Bailey this morning.  I watched him lean down to give her a kiss goodbye, and she smiled up at him like she always does and reached up both hands to grab at his face...so cute.  While I was watching them, I couldn't help thinking how different things are now from the way they were just a year ago.

This time last year we were only talking about what we'd do with a baby in the house, but the idea of actually having one in here seemed soooooo far off.  We were completely selfish in that we did what we wanted when we wanted and where we wanted.  Now, we have to plan in advance if we want to do something "off-schedule", and I can't remember the last time we had a date night where it was just the two of us.  A year ago, I'd sit down with a cup of coffee and read a book for hours.  Now, I'm lucky if I can wolf down a quick cup of coffee in the morning, and my reading is limited to Dr. Seuss.  A year ago, I'd (stupidly) spend money on Starbucks and things that I thought were "cool" but didn't really need.  Now, I spend money on diapers and baby wipes and Gerber baby foods.  Last year, I took naps whenever I felt like it.  I went to bed late and slept in on the weekends.  Now, I'm lucky if I sleep through the night without being woken up by a screaming baby and I don't have the option of napping during the day.  Waking up at 6am is considered "sleeping in" for me.  

So much has changed since Bailey was born that it sometimes feels like I'm living a completely different life, and I guess that, in a way, I am.  I quit my job to stay home with Bailey so that we didn't have to put her in daycare, and was lucky enough to be able to open my own home daycare.  Sometimes, I miss "going" to work.  Having a reason to wake up and put makeup on or flat iron my hair.  I miss actually leaving the house sometimes (although now I leave the house as often as I can on the weekends), and I sometimes miss all the "adult" interaction I used to have before I became a mom.  Sometimes, there's a teeny teeny tiny miniscule part of me that questions whether or not I made the right decisions these last few months.  But then I look at my daughter and I watch her face light up when she sees me walk into the room, and I absolutely cannot even fathom doing a single thing differently than I have in the last year.  

I watch her playing with her toys or sitting in Scott's lap while they watch tv and I can't help but think how lucky I am.  It's not always easy.  Our house may be small, our cars may break down, we may never have money.  But we have a fantastic life.  We have wonderful friends.  Our family is beautiful.  We have the most amazing little girl in the world.  

I have this plaque in my living room that says 'We may not have it all together, but together we have it all" and every time I look at it I'm reminded of all that we have.  We may not have the big house or the fancy car or the cool job or tons of money.  We may never get to travel to exotic places or go on big adventures.  But when I look at my daughter and I see her smile or do something new that she's learned or even just hanging out with her daddy, I can't help but realize that I have all that I'll ever need right here.

Gross

Ugh...Bailey just projectile vomited all over the place.  She managed to hit Scott, me, the carpet, the furniture...poor baby.  We took her upstairs to give her a bath and she threw up again.  Finally got a successful bath, then had a bottle and went to bed.  I'm watching her on the monitor, and she seems to be sleeping peacefully.  I have her propped up on the boppy (I know, it's a BIG no-no, but she sleeps better with it and I want her propped up tonight.  Her cool mist humidifier is running and her lullaby CD is playing.  Hope she gets a good night's sleep.  Sweet dreams, Bailey!

New Year, New Me

Well, the New Year has come and gone and I've (wisely) made only ONE resolution.  Can anybody guess what it is?  Ding, ding, ding!  My resolution was to LOSE WEIGHT.

At the risk of completely embarrassing myself, I'll admit that I packed on a whopping 47 pounds while I was pregnant last year.  I've been dieting off and on pretty much since 2007 when I lost 30 pounds, and my pregnancy was the perfect excuse to slack off a bit.  Or, in my case, to go completely apeshit and eat anything and everything I could shovel into my mouth.  And boy did I!  "The baby wants it", I said every time I snapped into a Slim Jim.  "The baby is making me crave those brownies and coffee milkshakes, and I gotta give the baby what she wants."  The baby weighed 7 pounds at birth, and I was carrying the other 40.  What does that tell you?

It wouldn't have been such a big deal (I mean, I did just create, sustain and carry a whole other person inside my body for 9+ months), except for the fact that I put another 10 pounds on after she was born.  I admit it...Victoria Beckham I am not.  So, I've taken the last six months to just completely enjoy Mommyhood and all that it entails (the good, the bad, and the sleepy), and I can honestly say that I've thoroughly enjoyed the ride...every minute of it.  And I'd do it again in a heartbeat.  But, for now, it's time to reclaim possession of my body.

I started Weight Watchers last week.  I wish I had the willpower to just eat healthy and workout on my own but, sadly, I don't.  Nor do I have the knowledge of what exactly I need to do to lose weight and keep it off.  So for now, Weight Watchers it is.  I lost 9 pounds the first week.  I'd like to jump up and down and cheer (and in fact I did just that in the privacy of my own bathroom), but I'm pretty sure the only reason I lost so much was because my body flushed all the crap I'd eaten up til now and was finally starting to get some fresh and healthy foods into it.  In any case, I'm gonna take those 9 pounds and run with them.  I've earned them.  I stuck strictly to the diet and didn't cheat, and I'll continue with it until I've lost every pound that I put on in the last 15 months.  So feel free to pass along any encouraging words, because I know I'm going to need them at some point!

My goal is to lose all the weight before Bailey's first birthday in June.  So here goes nothing.  And now that I've put it out there for the world to read...I have no choice but to be honest and stick with it.  Here goes nothing!  Stay tuned to see how it goes...

Memory Lane

It's been half a year since we became parents.  It feels like it's actually been forever, but at the same time only a few months.  While Bailey was napping today, I had a chance to catch up on some old episodes of Teen Mom that I DVR-ed this season, and watching the show got me to thinking about the days leading up to Bailey's birth.  

Everyone (and I mean everyone)  kept telling me how huge I was and that "no way is that baby going to make it to your due date".  Well, I was huge, and my baby did make it to her due date...and then some.  June 21st came and went, and no baby.  I was so tired of everyone asking me "when's that baby coming?" like I had any freakin' control over it.  I went to the OB's office on my due date, was barely dilated, and had my membranes stripped (this is going to sound ridiculous, but I think that was worse than actual labor) and was sent on my way with the promise that the "stripping" would send me into labor by that night.  We had the bag packed, gas in the car, and were ready to roll.  My mom kept telling me that most women go into labor in the middle of the night so off I went to bed, fully expecting to be awakened in the middle of the night and rush to the hospital.  My alarm woke me up at 7 the next morning...no baby.  Doc set my induction for a week later, June 28th.

I went into labor on my own early the morning before my scheduled induction (June 27th).  I remember being woken up way early in the morning because I thought I felt a stomach ache.  I sat in bed for a few seconds, didn't feel anything else, and passed out again.  A few minutes later, I felt the same sharp pain and sat straight up in bed.  I still didn't know what a contraction felt like and, after crying wolf and heading to the hospital a few times before, I wasn't about to go calling the OB right away.  I got up a few minutes later to go to the bathroom, and the pain stopped me in my tracks.  Yep, pretty sure this was it.  So what does a woman in labor at 4:30 in the morning do?  Well, if you're me, you run to the bathroom to comb your hair and shave your legs.  I had to stop every few minutes to wait out a contraction and could hardly breathe by the time I was done but, damnit, I was determined to have smooth legs in those stirrups!  So, then I figure if I can shave my legs I can take a minute (or 10 after stopping for each contraction) to comb my hair and put some mascara on.  Call me crazy, but I didn't want my baby's first glimpse of her mama to be of some crazy-haired, tired-looking freak. 

It was close to 5am and my contractions were between 2 and 3 minutes apart when I woke Scott up to tell him we needed to go to the hospital.  If I had shaken him awake and told him we needed to pick up the newest video game, he'd have been up and out and had us at the store in 3 minutes.  Apparently, a woman in labor, though, doesn't require the same level of speed.  He took his time getting out of bed, played with the dog while I breathed through the pain like a frantic madwoman, and only hustled when I yelled at him that WE NEED TO GO NOW!!!

I can't remember the exact feeling of the contractions.  Everyone always told me that they felt like bad menstrual cramps.  Let me be the first to say that they in no way, shape or form felt like cramps.  Cramps are a walk in the park compared to the pain of a contraction.  I'm calling bullshit on this one.  I remember that when I was having a contraction, my entire body was involved.  I couldn't walk during one, couldn't sit up during one, couldn't talk.  The anesthesiologist needed me to sign a form for my epidural and I couldn't even hold the pen because I was so focused on getting through the pain. 

By the time we got to the hospital I was 6 cm. dilated and my first question was "Is it too soon for an epidural?"  I completely admire women who can go through childbirth without the help of any pain meds.  I, however, am not one of them and wasn't about to test my endurance that day.  I highly recommend the epidural, by the way.  It was smooth sailing after that and after 25 minutes of pushing our Bailey Reece was born at 11:48am EST.  She was alert and healthy and beautiful.  And, best of all, she was OURS.  

And I would do it again in a second if I could, pain and all.  She's so worth it.


In fact, I'd secretly love another baby soon...better go talk to Scott!

Six Month Check-Up

We just got back from Bailey's six-month well visit and we got her stats.  Our little sweetie pie (I use the term "little" loosely) weights 17lbs. 14oz. and is 26 1/2 inches long.  Doc says she's right on target in terms of milestones and development!  We're staggering her vaccines so that she doesn't get so many different vaccines into at one time, so it's pretty much like she gets a shot every time she goes to the doctor.  The last two times she did GREAT, didn't make a peep (yay, Bailey!), but she cried this time so I know the shot hurt her, poor baby.

Right now she's happy as can be, jumping like a lunatic in her jumperoo.  So I thought I'd take a few minutes to post some pictures (not nearly all of them) from the last six months for those of you who aren't following them on Facebook or Shutterfly.

Happy Birth Day, Bailey Reece!!

Mommy and Bailey

First picture with Daddy

The first day home was tiring...for both of us!

She's our lil sweetheart

Love this picture of Scott and Bailey

She REALLY hated her hat...

Bailey's ride

Beach Babe

Bailey's Christening (2 months)

Fall 2010

Linvilla Orchards

First time in the swing at the park

Hooded Baby

Halloween 2010

Mmmm...her first cookie!

Bailey and Cooper

Merry Christmas!!  2010

Her first car

Playtime!

Poser

Poor Elmo...

Sweetie Pie

Such a ham!

There are tons more pictures, but it would take me DAYS to get them all on here.  Follow them on Facebook or at mommy2bailey.shutterfly.com.  Okay, the beast is awakening...I can hear her talking in her crib.  Time to go get my tiny monster!

We've Got a Jumper!

Bailey's Aunt Meg and Uncle drew gave us their old Jumperoo for Bailey to use and I must admit that it's quite possibly the funniest damn thing I've seen in a long time. 

When we put her in it the first time, Bailey had no clue what she was supposed to do.  She just stared up at us with this look of confusion on her face...which was quickly followed by a loooonnnng yawn and lots frustrated babbling.  Scott held the sides of the seat and showed her how to jump and she went nuts!  She could literally jump in this thing for an hour straight.  She's quite the noisy jumper, too.  The minute she goes in it she starts happily babbling and squealing, and she doesn't stop until we take her out.  This thing is SUCH a great invention!  I was actually able to cook a full meal AND make myself a pot of coffee without even a hint of fussing from my little jumper.  Fantastic!

Now, if only she'd realize that she has to actually stop jumping when it's time to get out.  I thought she knocked out a tooth when I attempted to pick her up out of it yesterday.  Dangerous stuff...

Oh well.  Such is life with Bailey!

Life With Bailey

It's been six months since Bailey was born.  For awhile, I've been toying with the idea of blogging about our life now that she's here.  But, as often happens, time flies and I've just been too busy to actually sit down and think about how to begin here.  So I finally got a minute today and decided that now's the time to get moving on it.  


Bailey's a little over six months old now, and I can't believe how quickly she's growing.  She sits up on her own, she (sort of) waves and she claps her hands.  She's quick to smile at Scott or me (or most people, for that matter).  She makes me smile every single day, and I feel so lucky that I get to be her mother.  It's so weird to think about how easily she fits into our lives and how much we love her.  Six months ago I couldn't imagine actually having a baby.  Now I can't imagine what my life would be like without her.  

Right now she's sitting on the floor and "yelling" at me.  Probably because I've abandoned her with her toys to start up this blog.  She has quite the temper, and she's not at all shy about letting us know if and when something's not cool with her.  So, now I'll abandon this post in order to go hang out with my baby because she looks so damn cute and I can't get enough of her...but also because she's giving me the death stare and babbling REALLY angrily.  


Such is life with Bailey!