Physically, I'm in survival mode. As I'm typing this, little man is wiggling around like a ninja on crack. Every once in awhile, I'll feel his butt or his head or some other limb (seriously, how do all these women really know what's what in there?) poking out. More often than not these days, his movements are painful. But so is just about everything else. And the exhaustion? Ridiculous. By the time 5pm rolls around, I feel like I've been hit by a train and am just being dragged along the tracks. So much more tired this time around than in either of my other pregnancies. Sleep is amazing...except that I'm not getting any. Heartburn is a bitch these days, and it keeps me awake for hours at a time during the night. And, Scott, if you're reading this, I love you. Like crazy. But there have been so many nights where I've just wanted to punch you in that handsome face of yours for being able to sleep so peacefully when I can't. I'm not even sorry about it. It just is.
The "nesting instinct" that I'm always reading about is in full effect...the only downside is that I'm too tired and sore to actually follow through on all these grand plans I have of organizing the house to prepare for baby. I have to do things a little bit at a time, which is frustrating. And then, of course, I've got Bailey and Gerry {and sometimes Scott} coming through and screwing up the work I've already done. My To-Do List is pretty extensive, and includes everything from "wash sheets for crib" to "organize linen closet" to "wash kitchen walls" to "scrub every room and corner of the house", and then just keeps circling back around and around. Daycare doesn't help much, either. Realistically, I know that none of this is a big deal. But the irrational part of me just wants it all done.
Lately, I've been thinking about this third baby of ours. He's most likely going to be our last and, while I'm {mostly} content with this, I can't help feeling so, so sad for Bailey. She's 100% on board with another little brother right now, but I know how badly she wanted a little sister and I'm sad that she'll never get that. My sister and I were never close as kids, but have gotten closer since growing up and having kids of our own, and I'm sad that Bailey will never have the kind of sisterly bond that I've wanted for her. I have 3 nieces and, while it's crazy now because they're all so young, it's going to be so amazing for them as they grow up. I can't help feeling like I've failed her a bit in that respect. Yes, she's got cousins and friends...but it's not the same as having a sister. On the opposite end of that spectrum, I'm really glad that Gerry will be getting a brother. He's been surrounded by girls, both in our family and at daycare, his entire life and I love the thought of him growing up with someone to goof around and "be boys" with.
So, with 5 weeks to go, that's where I'm at. Little by little things are coming together, though not nearly as quickly as I'd like them to. My mind is constantly racing, thinking about the things left to do, to buy, to pack before baby gets here. And then there's the matter of what to do with Bailey and Gerry when I go into labor...it will all get sorted out, I know. I'm trying really hard not to stress too much about it right now.
I'm soaking up the baby kicks, the hiccups, hearing his little heart beat at each of my prenatal appointments--all the best things about pregnancy. Bailey and Gerry are big on kissing my belly these days, which is pretty much the cutest damn thing ever. We're still undecided on a name, though that's 100% me at this point. Scott's been set on 2 names for about 4 months now, but I'm holding us up and insisting that we wait until after he's born to name him. I'm not sure why. I just don't feel a strong connection to any one name right now, and a name is kind of a big deal, you know? ;-) We'll figure it out.
In the meantime, here's a gratuitous bump shot!
