11 Months

Bailey is 11 months old today!  I still can't believe that in just a few short weeks she'll be a year old.  I know I say this every month (actually, it seems more like daily), but it feels like just yesterday and I honestly can't believe how fast it's gone by.

Bailey's decided that she wants to learn to do EVERYTHING right away.  She's mastered climbing the stairs (thank goodness for baby gates), she pulls up on everything and will "cruise" along the furniture or the wall.  She walks if someone is holding her hands, she's drinking out of her sippy cup very well (although not drinking as much as we'd like her to).  She's crawling like a mad woman and getting into everything -- drawers, cabinets, underneath tables...you name it, she'll explore and destroy it!  In between all her moving and grooving, though, she's started to have some cuddly moments and I can't get enough of them.  She'll crawl over to me and put her head in my lap and go, "Ahh-ahh" (the same sound Scott and I make when we're showing her how to "touch nice" instead of slapping at people).  When I lift her out of the crib after naps or bedtime she always pats my back and says, "Ahh-ahh".  Every time I'm feeling stressed or like I need a break, I just think about that and it brings me back to center.

Speaking of being brought back to center...the little darling is now awake and calling "Mamamama!" from her crib.  That's my cue to go!  Just to tide you over until next time...

Sweetie Pie in pig tails

On one of her search and destroy missions

The Student Becomes The Teacher

I belong to a group of over 11,000 mothers on Babycenter.  We come from all over the world and each of us had a baby in June 2010.  A few days ago, one of the moms in the group posed a question to all of us:  What has your baby taught you?  Immediately, the board was flooded with responses from all of the women and I started to really think about the question.  What has Bailey taught me?  In the (almost) 11 short months since she's been here, I've learned more from her than I ever thought possible.  As parents, we're always told that our children learn from us.  That we are the ones responsible for teaching them core values, morals, right from wrong.  We're so busy making sure that we're teaching them the right things that I'm not sure any of us has ever actually stopped for a minute to realize that in the midst of all our teaching we've also been the learners.  I've been thinking about all that I've learned in the last year.  While I'm sure I can't sum it all up in a simple blog post, I thought maybe I could make a little list anyway.  In 13 years when Bailey wants nothing to do with me and would rather hang out with her friends than *gasp!* with her mom, it will be nice to look back at this and remember all the things my baby taught me in our first year together.  So here goes...

Bailey has taught me:

...that it's okay to cry.  For the first few months, this is pretty much all either of us did.  We cried together, we cried separately.  We cried in anger, in pain, in sleepiness, in frustration, in confusion.  I watched Bailey sleeping one day, watched her tiny chest rise and fall with each breath, watched her lips part until she was sleeping with her mouth open.  She smiled in her sleep and I burst into tears.  Not because I was sad or angry or in pain, but because I couldn't wrap my head around the miracle that was my daughter.  My heart wasn't big enough to hold all the things I felt for her and her unconscious smile just did me in.  She and I have cried numerous times since those first early days, but Bailey has taught me that there's no shame in crying.  Sometimes it's just what the doctor ordered.

...to slow down.  I used to rush through each day, just waiting for one to end so another could begin, not really focusing.  Since having Bailey, I've learned to slow down and to appreciate every single second.  The days go by even faster now, but I don't miss a thing.  I've seen every smile and every fall, heard every giggle and every cry.  I've watched Bailey reach every milestone, and I've truly savored each minute.  I don't feel like I've missed a thing since I learned to slow down and enjoy.

...to be an advocate.  I've learned that I need to be a voice for my daughter right now.  She can't stand up for herself, so I need to do it for her.  I'm very non-confrontational, I avoid conflict at all cost, and I very, very rarely stand up to people for any reason.  But I've learned that if I can't do that for my daughter, no one will.  She depends on me to make sure that she is taken care of and is getting everything that she needs, and she's taught me to stand up for myself and for her.

...to persevere.  It's amazing how much my little girl has learned in just the last few months.  More than any adult could possibly hope to learn.  When she started pulling up on things and began to fall often, I held my breath every time she hit the floor, just waiting for her to cry and lay down in defeat.  I know I would.  But Bailey surprises me every time.  Not only does she NOT give up, but she gets back up with a smile.  She spent almost 3 weeks trying to master climbing the stairs.  Every single day she would spend hours trying to get her chubby little leg lifted high enough to get up on that step.  EVERY.  DAY.   But then, all of a sudden, she was doing it!  Three days ago, she climbed an entire flight of stairs...all by herself (with Scott standing behind her, just in case).  She's stubborn and persistent, and I can only hope that a little bit of that perseverance rubs off on me.

...to never hold back.  Bailey is no-holds-barred in every facet of life.  When she's sad, she cries and we all know it.  When she's frustrated, she screeches, and sometimes throws things.  When she's angry she screams at the top of her lungs.  I don't condone the screaming and throwing things, and often wonder how to break her of that habit.  But then something makes her happy...and she feels it 110%.  She claps her hands and squeals in delight, and her glee is contagious.  Her eyes get bigger and brighter then normal, and you just can't help being happy with her.  Bailey has no problem showing emotion and I'm (slowly) learning not to hold back so much in my own life.

...that the little things are what matter most.  Money isn't everything and will only get you so far.  A designer purse looks great...until you spill your coffee on it.  A big house just means more area to clean.  Expensive clothes won't be in style forever.  Bailey has taught me to worry less about the little things and to appreciate what I do have: family, friends, my husband and child, my health.  The big house, the expensive clothes and accessories...they mean nothing in the long run.

...that the dishes can wait.  Bailey will only be small for a little while.  I can choose to spend this time vacuuming the carpets, folding the laundry, washing the dishes and dusting the furniture.  Or I can spend this time enjoying my baby and all that she's learning and doing, forging a bond with her and sharing in each new experience with her.  The dishes aren't going to climb out of the sink and run away, and the laundry will still be in the dryer where I left it.  But my daughter will only be "my baby" for a short time, and I don't want to miss a single second of that time.

...to take pride in myself and my body.  I've struggled with this since high school, and it's taken Bailey less than a year to really bring it into focus for me.  The last time I wore shorts in public, I was 18 and much, much thinner than I am now.  And while I won't be sporting my short shorts any time soon, I AM proud of my body and what it has accomplished.  It may never look the same as it did just 18 months ago.  I have stretch marks and dimples and lumps where I didn't used to before.  The baby weight has not just "melted" off of me.  It's easy to look in the mirror and get discouraged about it.  But then I look at my daughter and I can't be anything but proud of what this body has done for me.  I may not be a size 2, but every mark, every dimple, every lump tells a story and has brought me to where I am today.  My stretch marks are a source of pride for me now, and when I see them I'm reminded of those last few precious weeks when it was just Bailey and me...before I had to share her with the rest of the world.  This body carried a baby.  It sustained another human life for 9+ months.  Sure, it will most likely never look the same again.  But the change is SO worth it, and I'm reminded of that every time I look at my little girl.

...what true love REALLY is.  Everyone always says "you never know true love until you have a baby", and I never really understood that concept until Bailey came along.  I love my husband like crazy and I couldn't imagine my life without him.  He's my best friend and there's no one else that I want to (or could imagine choosing to) spend my life with.  But the love I have for Bailey is completely all-encompassing and overshadows the love I feel for anyone else on the planet.  Hands down if I had to choose between Bailey and any other person in the world, it would be her.  Every time.  And I would expect the very same answer from Scott.  Loving your spouse is one thing.  But the love you feel for your child is something completely different, and I didn't know I had that kind of feeling in me until I was blessed with Bailey. 

See, all this time I thought I was the one teaching her.  Teaching her how to stand up, how to clap her hands and to play peek-a-boo, how to roll over and how to wave.  Turns out, when it comes to the really important things, all this time she was the one teaching me.  And I couldn't have asked for a better lesson.

Ahhh, We Needed That!

Scott, being the gambler that he is, used to travel to Atlantic City just about every weekend a few years ago.  Now, he goes once in awhile, but nowhere near as often as he used to.  The other day he got an offer in the mail from the Borgata in AC.  A free room and dinner buffet for two.  I don't think I've ever seen him move so fast to make a reservation in my life.

Bailey stayed the night with Scott's parents on Friday.  We dropped her off after work, then made the hour and a half drive down to the Borgata.  We checked in at the Water Club, went up to our room...and were appalled.  It was gorgeous and had SUCH a pretty view!  Huge windows that looked out on the lights of the city, a King-sized bed, and the most beautiful bathroom I've ever seen.  After dropping our bags, we went down to dinner (also wonderful), then Scott made swift use of the blackjack tables.  I did a little window shopping and picked up a little something for Bailey, got a cup of coffee and went back to our room. 

When I went up the next morning, Scott was still gone.  You read that right, folks...he'd played blackjack all night.  Luckily for him, I had caught a cold the day before (just like I always do before we go away anywhere) and didn't mind having that big bed all to myself one little bit.  By the time I met him in the casino, he had made a few friends at his table, had given the dealer a nickname,  and the pit boss was offering him a free breakfast for the two of us.

We only stayed the one night (couldn't be away from Bailey for longer than a night), but it was SO NICE to get away just the two of us.  To be Jess and Scott, and to remember that we're more than just mommy and daddy.  It's so easy to forget that amid all the diapers and bottles and laundry and the general craziness that comes with being parents.  It helped us more than we'd realized to have that night away where we could just focus on the two of us, even if we did spend a good chunk of that time in the casino.  It was nice to have time to be a couple again for awhile, and we decided that we need to do it more often.  And, clearly, Bailey didn't miss us all that much!  She was all smiles (even with a cold herself) when we got home, and we heard lots of stories from her grandparents about the adventures she had while we were away.

Now it's back to work for Scott and myself.  He's only got a few more weeks left until school is out for the summer.  Unfortunately, he won't be getting much of a break this year.  He's started grad school and is working on his master's.  It'll be great for him (and for us) in the long run, but for now he's working hard and so am I.  Such is life, I guess.  At least we've got our Outer Banks trip next month to look forward to!  And there's always planning for Bailey's first birthday party to think about.  But that's a post for another time.  For now, I'm going to sit back, enjoy a second cup of coffee, and think back on our lovely and relaxing weekend...

Snuggle Bug

This morning I got to do something I haven't been able to do in a long time.  I snuggled in bed with Bailey and Scott...and it was a wonderful way to start my day.

We've never technically co-slept.  Bailey always started out the night in her cradle next to our bed (when she was a newborn) or in the crib in her own room (as she got a bit older).  It never occurred to us to bring her into our bed until she was about 5 months old and had just started sleeping in her crib...all the way down the hall from us.

I'll admit I wasn't ready for her to be sleeping in her own room yet.  In fact, the first time she did, it was because my mom had put her to sleep instead of me.  She still wasn't sleeping through the night at this point and it was just more convenient to have her in the cradle or pack-n-play next to our bed than for me to get out of bed and walk down the hall every time she woke up in the middle of the night.  But once she started sleeping in her crib, we all seemed to sleep a bit better, so Scott and I continued to put her in her crib at night.

The first night she came into bed with us was a complete accident.  It was month 6 of us getting up at least 3 times at night and we were exhausted.  I gave Bailey a bottle and when she finished it I was comfy in bed and just plain old too tired to get up again.  So I tucked her in the crook of my arm, gave her a bink and pat her butt for a minute.  She let out the teeniest little sigh, snuggled up against me and fell asleep holding onto my finger.  I fell in love all over again.

We didn't do this every night...didn't want to start any bad habits.  But I loved it.  So every Saturday morning, at her usual wake-up time of 4am, I walked down the hall and brought Bailey into bed with me.  Tucked her into my arm, gave her the bink, waited for the snuggle and the sigh.  That was our "thing" on the weekends, and nothing and no one was important enough to make me want to get out of bed before she woke up for good.  On one occasion, I snuggled there with her until almost 10am. After a while, she started sleeping through the night.  Then she became mobile and I was afraid she'd scootch or crawl off the side of the bed.  And, just like that, my snuggle time was over.  I missed it, and mourned my loss in a way.  That was one of my very favorite parts of motherhood (so far) and I felt like I was losing my baby, if that makes any sense.  She didn't NEED to snuggle with me to fall back to sleep anymore.  In fact, it was almost an annoyance to her once she became mobile.  She just wanted to crawl and roll around the bed.

BUT...thanks to teeth numbers 3 and 4 popping through, Bailey was up at 4:45 this morning.  Scott went in and she was still inconsolable, so he brought in our room.  I laid her next to me and gave her the bink and it was like our old routine had never ended.  She calmed down, snuggled against me, let out that teeny, tiny sigh...and fell asleep.  She woke up once more around 5:30, rolled to Scott, and nestled against him.

I didn't realize until this morning just HOW much I missed doing that with her.  These days, she's constantly on the go and the only time I can get her to sit still for any length of time is when she's eating.  She doesn't even like me to hold her while she drinks bottle.  She'll tolerate it for a few minutes, but then she wants to get down and do it herself.  She's quickly decided that she enjoys her independence, and it makes me sad sometimes.  Before I know it, she'll be borrowing my car and I'll be left shaking my head and wondering where the hell the years have gone.

Lucky for me, at least this morning, she gave up some of that independence and let me enjoy a very blissful mommy moment.

And I'll always have THIS memory...

Mommy and Bailey at 2 days old.

A Hard Lesson To Teach

I've been feeling "down" the last few days and am having a hard time shaking it.  I woke up Monday morning and, like always, went downstairs and turned on the news.  The top story was the murder of a 9-year-old little girl just a few towns away from ours.  The newscaster went into detail about her murder, telling us that it was evident that she struggled, that she was assaulted, that her body had been found near a dumpster in the apartment building in which she and her parents lived.  She had gone outside to play and never came home.

Today when I turned on the news, it was still a top story.  It was reiterated that she had been sexually assaulted and strangled.  A 25-year-old man who lives in her apartment building has been arrested for her murder.  It's alleged that he strangled her with his bare hands.  When asked why he had killed the little girl, the man replied that he "snapped" and had something "like a whiteout".  They showed the girl's picture on the news and my heart broke looking at her.  She was beautiful and looked like such a happy little girl.  In her eyes you could see all the innocence and happiness of childhood and the promise of the future.  I can't imagine what her parents must be going through.

It sickens me that I'm raising a daughter in this world.  I'm disgusted that a child can't even go outside to play without the worry that he or she might never come home.  I keep my doors locked during the day because you never know what could happen.  I watch Bailey and all of the other little ones playing, and I see the neighborhood kids outside and it makes me wonder, At what point in their childhood do we sit them down and shatter their illusion of what the world has to offer?

How do you even go about having that conversation with a child?  Right now Bailey is much too young to be left alone to play anyway.  But she'll smile at most anyone who looks her way, and she doesn't seem to show fear when someone she doesn't know talks to her or wants to hold her.  She's growing up and moving closer and closer to independence every day.  How do I tell her that the world is a scary place and strangers are not your friends?  I don't want to be the one who makes her see the world as someplace to tiptoe through cautiously, always looking over her shoulder...but I also don't want her to go through life thinking that every place and everyone is safe.  As a parent, how do you reach that balance between letting your child "spread her wings" and keeping her close and safe?  How do you do it without creating a fearful and timid child?

It's disturbing that we even have to have these kinds of conversations with our children.  What ever happened to spending hours and hours playing outside without a care in the world, like we did when I was a little girl?  To exploring the neighborhood with our friends until Mom called us in for dinner?  To being allowed to run and play outside until it got dark?  What happened to the security that we used to have?  To the faith that we could go outside and just be kids for awhile, then come home...without fear of the dark or strangers lurking in the shadows?  I'm so, so sad that my Bailey will never grow up in a world like that, and that I will have to constantly remind her about safety.  My child will grow up in a world where murder is prevalent, violence is the norm, and safety is an almost non-entity...I feel equal parts disgust, fear and sadness for that.

I can't shake the picture of little Skyler Kauffman from my mind.  Her happy face and smiling eyes are haunting, and I'm just sick for her family.  I absolutely could not (and dare not) imagine something like that happening to Bailey.  Makes me want to curl up in a ball with my arms around her until she's an adult and able to take care of herself out in the world.  Although, she'll always be my baby and I'll always worry about her, no matter how old she gets.

I hope that when the time comes Scott and I can teach her about the dangers out there, while also teaching her about the beauty and the good things to be found every day.  We have some time, luckily, to figure out just how to do that...to balance out her sense of wonder at the world with a sense of caution.

Until then, we'll continue to help Bailey to explore the world around her.  We'll share in her delight when she discovers something new.  And we'll send up a quick prayer of thanks every evening that we tuck her safely into bed.

My First Mother's Day

This was my first "official" Mother's Day, and it was great!  The 3 of us (yes, you read that correctly...ALL 3 OF US) went to church in the morning, then the Storti family all went out for breakfast afterwards.  The Wanners came over mid-morning and we took them out for brunch to celebrate, then came back to our house, made some coffee, and just hung out for a bit.  Then we went to my parents' house for a bbq in the afternoon.  It was a day filled with family and fun, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I wasn't expecting anything (although, I did mention that I wouldn't mind something!), but I got spoiled this year.  Here's a picture of what Bailey made me:

Scott made me a video that almost brought me (the unemotional non-crier) to tears.  My parents gave me lotion, body wash and hand sanitizer (comes in very handy in my line of work!) and my sister and brother-in-law gave me a coffee mug that says #1 Mom filled with candy.  Lots of wonderful and unexpected gifts.  

And here was my #1 present:

Notice the bruise on her head.  She took a tumble into the table and whacked it pretty good.  The perils of mobility!  And because I just can't get enough, here are a few more photos of my little sweetie pie.

Her first time seeing Big Bird on tv

Most girls love to talk on the phone.  Mine would prefer to eat it.

Mommy and Bailey

And I can't forget to mention how kind Scott was to keep an eye on Bailey for me so I could relax for awhile.

Yes...that would be a laundry basket she's in...poor thing.

All in all, I had a great first Mother's Day, and I feel blessed to be able to celebrate being a mother.  I hope you all had a great day, too!

Moving, Moving, Moving!

In just the few short days since I last posted, Bailey has started becoming MUCH more mobile.  She crawls now with a speed that sometimes astounds me.  She's a lot like her daddy in that respect, I think.  Slow-moving most of the time (I don't mean that in a bad way), content to not rush and to enjoy what's around her.  But when she sees something she wants, she can move like a bat out of hell!

She's started to pull herself up on everything now, even things that I know without a doubt will not support her weight.  She falls down quite a bit, but she's learning to handle it well.  When she first started crawling and trying to pull herself up she'd have a complete meltdown if she fell even the smallest little bit.  Now, she's used to it.  She falls with an almost admirable amount of grace, smiling while the floor rushes up to meet her.  She just smiles and gets herself right back up nowadays!  Her newest feat are the stairs.  She's been trying like hell to get herself up there, but so far it's a no-go.

This picture was taken the day before she figured out how to pull herself up to standing.  Now she's just got to figure out how to lift her little legs up on the stairs and she'll be good to go!

One of the drawbacks of having such a persistent little one, I think, are the epic temper tantrums that I (and those around us) have to endure...on a daily basis.  Bailey is already a head-strong girl, even at 10 months old.  She knows what she wants and damn if she's not going to try everything in her power to get it!  If, God forbid, she's doing something that some would find dangerous like, say, trying to stick her little hands inside our baseboard heater (which is on and hot sometimes) or crawling over to the basement door that Scott can never remember to close, she will have a full meltdown.  She's perfected the art of the tantrum, I'm afraid.  Her performance is pretty gripping, complete with  top-of-her-lungs screaming, red face and LOTS of foot kicking.  It's so hard not to laugh at her when she's in the middle of a tantrum, though.  She absolutely cannot control herself, and it's pretty entertaining to watch her go from stark-raving mad to calm and smiley in less than a minute.  Darling girl, there are SO many more important things in the world than whether or not mommy and daddy will let you eat a piece of food that you swiped from the dog's bowl.  Someday she'll learn that lesson; I only hope she's learned to handle herself better by that time, too!  Yesterday, I wouldn't let her play with our $300 camera and this is what I got...

Followed quickly by this...

And in about 47 seconds, she was all smiles again...

Right now, I'm watching Bailey on her video monitor.  She woke up from her nap a few minutes ago and has been trying so hard to play with the curtains hanging from her window.  They're far enough away that she can't reach any cords, but just close enough that she can brush her fingers against the sheers...ah, temptation.  Luckily, it's kept her occupied long enough that I can finish my coffee before I go upstairs to get her.  Have I mentioned before how much I love seeing her smile when I go in to get her from  her crib.  She smiles every single time, and it's one of my favorite things.

In just a few days, I'll celebrate my first Mother's Day, and I'm so excited!  I'm not expecting anything in terms of gifts (I truly am one of those moms who thinks that her kid is the best gift)...but I certainly won't turn any away!  We'll have a busy day planned, lots of family time, and I'm really looking forward to it!