No, no, no...NO

It's been a noisy few days over here, thanks to Miss Bailey.  She's learning new words and sounds, and Scott and I are treated to a "show" every day.  Her new favorite word is "No" (surprise, surprise) complete with a waving of her hand.  Since mastering the art of the word "no", she's used it way more often then we'd like.  Our normal conversations lately go a little something like this:

Me:  "Let's change your diaper."
Bailey:  "Nooooo"

Me:  "Bailey, do you want your juice or your milk?"
Bailey: "Nooo"

Me:  "Bath time!"
Bailey:  "No, no!  Bye!"  (At this point, she does her damndest to run away from us)

I'm still reeling over how quickly she figured out what "no" means and how often (and how well) she uses it.  A few days ago, she and I were in the bookstore and an older woman walked by us.  Bailey yells out "Hiii!" and the woman turned around and said, "Well, hi!  Aren't you the sweetest thing...I bet you're an angel for your mommy, huh?"  Bailey promptly replied with "No, no, no!"  The woman laughed, but if she only knew just how accurate my little chatterbox was...

She's also learning to say "All done".  When she's finished eating, playing, taking a bath, drinking her milk/juice, etc. she'll put her hand up in the air and say "Nyuuuhhn!"  ("Done!")  It's the cutest thing...and she knows exactly what it means and when she's "all done".

Her other favorite word these days is "daddy"  (da-eee).  We're expecting to feel the effects of Hurricane Irene here in the next few days and Scott was outside re-caulking and securing a tarp around the doors to the basement.  Bailey walked over to the door, put her hands on it and called, "Daddy!"  She and Scott went back and forth ("Daddy!"  "Bailey!") for a good 10 minutes before I dragged her away from the door to get a bath.

Sadly, she still only says "Mama" when she's angry or when she wants something.  She'll come around, though...I hope!

Since I haven't posted a new picture n awhile, I'll take this opportunity to do just that right now.  Enjoy!

Hard at work on her puzzle

"Just updating my Facebook status!"

Yes, she's laying in a basket full of toys

"Wait...I'm NOT allowed to play with an entire roll of tin foil?"

"All done!"

Oh, Darling, Don't You Ever Grow Up

There's a line in this song by Taylor Swift that goes:

"Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up

don't you ever grow up

just stay this little"

For the last few days I have not been able to get this song out of my head, and it just seems so apt at the moment. I've been keeping in touch with some of the parents whose kids I taught in the toddler and preschool rooms at Play and Learn, and those kids are now going off to Kindergarten.  I first met them as babies, and had the pleasure of watching them all grow into these amazing little people...and now they're "big kids" heading off to school.  Some of the moms have been talking on Facebook, asking each other whose son or daughter has what teacher for Kindergarten, and which kids are taking the bus to school.  I was reading one of the comments and I realized that in just a few short years that will be me sending Bailey off to school for the first time.  I thought about it for a second and then I got this panicky feeling...not my baby!

A year and a half ago, I would have rolled my eyes at any mother who was upset about sending her little one off to school for the first time.  Hell, I did it with some of the "newbie" moms who sent their kids to me for preschool and worried all day because it was their kid's first time away from mommy.  I used to think that these women were crazy for worrying and that their kids were totally fine without them all day.  I used to just shake my head and wonder why in the world they thought that their kid, when surrounded by toys and puzzles and playdoh and playground equipment fit for a king, could be anything but THRILLED.  Spending my days with the kids, I just couldn't understand why these mothers were so worried about their little ones having a good time at school/daycare.  And then I became a mother myself, and everything came clear.  It was, for lack of a better term, my slap in the face.

I realized that these moms weren't worried about their precious children having a good time at school.  They weren't worried about their children being "okay" and getting through the day without mommy.  They were, in fact, worried about how they themselves would get through the day without their child.  It's suddenly, glaringly clear that I'm going to have this same problem in a few years.  And I don't know how to fix it.

See, from the day Bailey was born, it has always been her and me.  Anywhere I went, she went and I genuinely liked it that way.  I quit my job and opened my daycare so that I could stay at home with her.  If I have to run to the store or to the mall, I take her with me.  When I have a doctor's appointment, she comes along.  If I've got a hankering for my Caramel Macchiatto, she comes along to Starbucks with me.  I spend, literally, every single minute of the day with her...and I love it.

When she was first born, she wasn't the easiest baby.  She used to have these screaming fits and we never knew what would bring them on or how to calm her down.  By trial and error, we found a way to calm her but she was still having the screaming fits regularly.  She was like a ticking time bomb and we never knew when one would start.  Back then, she depended on me for everything.  For food, for clothing, for comfort...everything.  It was my job to teach her to roll over, to sit up, to crawl, to walk.  I got up with her in the middle of the night and took her to every single doctor's appointment.  I held her hand when she got a shot, and I snuggled up and comforted her when she was sick or teething.   It was my job to BE THERE for her, and I happily did it all for her. (Disclaimer: Scott also helped and I can't negate that fact, but let's face it, moms always end up doing just a little bit more for their kids in the very beginning).  I also suffered through postpartum depression, which put a haze over how I saw things at that time.  I used to cry every day...over everything.  Whether it be the 3rd dirty diaper in an hour or seeing Bailey's very first smile, EVERY SINGLE THING, when it came to her, made me cry.  She became my whole life.  It was, and still is, difficult for me to leave her for any period of time.  She's my favorite person and I'm her mother, and there really is nothing like that bond.  But I'm slowly coming to the realization that now I need HER more than she needs me.  Much more.

Now that she's walking, Bailey doesn't want to sit still long enough to cuddle anymore.  She wants to feed herself and do her own thing in the bath tub.  She can now choose what she wants to do and where she wants to go (within reason) instead of me choosing for her or just picking her up and moving her where I wanted to.  When I pick her up for a quick hug or snuggle, she lets me for just a minute.  But then it's back to wriggling to be put down and she's off to her next activity.  I'm still the first person she comes to if she's hurt or sad about something.  But now I'm seeing that she's comfortable with a lot of other people, too, and she doesn't need me to "ease" her through a situation.  She's a social butterfly with a strong personality and she doesn't need her mommy to hold her hand through ALL parts of her daily life anymore.

I, on the other hand, am somewhat of a mess about it.  To put it quite honestly, she defines me and I have a hard time separating myself from her.  I'm "Bailey's mom".   My day revolves around her...her needs, her wants.  Some may say that this is unhealthy, and I might agree...to a degree.  When I look back on this period of time, I'll NEVER regret spending this time with her or devoting myself to making her day as happy and as enjoyable as I can.  She's happy, she's healthy and she's well-adjusted.  She learns something new every day and she never fails to make Scott and I smile.  She's got his personality, and will say hi to anyone and everyone she encounters, be it another kid at the park or a random stranger in the grocery store.  She's outgoing and friendly (most of the time), and I have no doubt that when the time comes, she'll skip happily through the doors of her school and not give a second thought to what mommy is doing at home.

I just don't know what *I* will do when the time comes to send her off.  I always read about "weaning" your baby...weaning from the bottle, weaning from the pacifier or the thumb.  But how does a mother "wean" herself from her child?  She'll be totally fine when it's time to spend the day away from me...but I'm not so sure that I'll be as fine!

For those of you interested, the song I referenced was called "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift, and it's beautiful.  The lyrics can be found here:

Never Grow Up Lyrics - Taylor Swift @ eLyrics.net

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too
And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even through to you want to
Please try to never grow up

Don't you ever grow up
(Never grow up)
Just never grow up

Walking Feet

It's been another few weeks since I last posted.  It's been hectic and busy over here and, to be perfectly honest, I just haven't been much in the mood to sit down and devote some time to writing here.  Not that I'd actually GET some free time to do that with miss Bailey walking all over the place...but I apologize all the same.

Did any of you notice how I strategically placed the fact that BAILEY IS WALKING in there?  She's doing it!  She took her first steps just before we left for vacation in the middle of July.  It was slow-going from there, a step here and a step there, but nothing really major.  But then, on a Sunday (July 31st, to be precise) she took off, and walked a whopping 14 steps in a row at her grandparents' house.  Since then, she hasn't looked back and is now mastering the art of walking.  She's not quite a pro yet--there's still lots of falling down, but she gets right back up and continues on like nothing ever happened, and I'm SO proud of her for it!  She's able to pick herself back up when she falls (without any assistance) and she's walking longer and longer distances without losing her balance.  If you'd like to watch a video of my sweetie walking, feel free to check out the video on my Facebook page!  If we're not "facebook friends" and you can't view the video because of this, let me know or send me a friend request...the more the merrier, right?  You can view the video here.  Enjoy!

With her new-found skill comes independence, and with independence comes a propensity to get herself into trouble.  She's discovering that she can use her legs to climb-- not only up the stairs, but on things that she just shouldn't be climbing on...like her toy box, the book shelf and, most recently, our railing.  She's talking more, too, which means that in addition to the usual "hi" and "bye" she can (and does) tell me "No" when I tell her not to do something.  The video of her climbing and practicing her new vocabulary "Nooo!" can be found here.  In her defense, it's pretty damn cute to hear her talk.  At the end of the video she blows kisses and waves bye-bye.  She seems really sweet and innocent until I stop filming her; then she's back to climbing and telling me "no" all over again.  I love the toddler stage (so far), but parenthood is definitely not for sissies!