I was just thinking last week how easy I've had it so far with this pregnancy. No morning sickness, except for the occasional passing bout of nausea. No fatigue once I got past the first trimester. No huge weight gain. No ridiculous cravings that no man could possibly appease. And my back (herniated disc and all) has never felt better. I was loving my cute little belly, and enjoying feeling those little baby flutters. Basically, living it up. On Saturday, I hit the 23 week mark.
And all hell broke loose.
Scott and I ended up at ER around midnight on Sunday. A few hours earlier, I had started feeling crampy but chalked it up to doing too much (Bailey was staying the night at her grandparents' house and I had REALLY scrubbed things around the house). I took a nap for about an hour, and was still feeling blah when I woke up. Took it easy the rest of the night, and Scott and I went to bed around 10:15ish. I couldn't get comfortable and the cramping was getting worse. It was like this rubber band of pain that kept squeezing around my stomach and back, and nothing I did got rid of it. I drank a ton of water, took a warm shower, walked around a bit, tried laying down...nothing. The cramping wouldn't go away and kept getting worse. I called the after-hours line at my OB's office and they sent us over to L&D.
They hook me up to the monitor and we can immediately hear the baby moving around and kicking like crazy. His heartbeat was great and he didn't seem in any sort of distress, but the pain just would not go away. We spent about 4 hours on the monitor before they sent us home with a diagnosis of round ligament pain. I don't agree with this, but I'm no doctor. I had round ligament pain with Bailey and I had it early on in this pregnancy, and the pain I had been feeling for the last 10 hours was NOT the same. Not necessarily contractions, but definitely more pronounced than round ligament pain. My discharge orders were to follow up with my OB this week, drink lots of water, and rest woth my feet up as often as possible.
Rest...with my feet up...as often as possible.
I run a home daycare, and work 55 hours a week. Not to mention the hours I put in with Bailey after daycare has closed. There is no such thing as resting with my feet up often. Or at all. There's always a diaper to change, always someone to feed, always someone who needs to be picked up or otherwise lifted for some reason, always something to be done. Needless to say, I haven't been resting so much. I can catch a 15 minute break here and there while the kids are napping, but that's about it.
I hurt.
My back has been killing me since Saturday. My pelvic bones feel like if they stretch any further I'll rip in half. I can never find a comfortable position, whether it's standing up, sitting or laying down. I've had heartburn so bad that I've come close to vomiting more times than I can count. Sometimes, when I switch positions or move a certain way, I feel a painful popping in my belly (the doc says this is all the ligaments and joints stretching). A lot of the time when the baby kicks it's hard and it hurts. Every time I stand up, I feel like my inside are about to fall right out. I don't remember it being this bad when I was pregnant with Bailey. Some days, it's almost unbearable.
And I still have 16 weeks to go.
There's no such thing as rest and relaxation when chasing around a toddler all day. And I've got 5 of them in daycare right now...more to come next week. And then when they all go home,I have my own toddler to contend with. Bailey doesn't understand when I tell her that Mommy has to sit down and rest for a few minutes, and the disappointment I see on her face sometimes breaks my heart. I love her to pieces but, my God, it's hard sometimes!
This afternoon, I logged on to my birth board on Babycenter and read 4 different stories from women who are just about as far along as I am and who have gone into early labor. Only one of those babies survived, and it's not looking good for him. When I read these women's stories, and thought about how heartwrenching it must have been to go through 24 and 25 weeks of pregnancy only to deliver a stillborn baby, I feel both relieved that my baby is doing alright and ridiculous that I'm complaining about being in pain when other women would give anything to be in my shoes. When push comes to shove, I'd take any amount of pain as long as my baby is doing okay. At the end of the day, how can I be anything but grateful that he's healthy and "going strong"? I complain to Scott about it often, but the truth is that I'll gladly take the pain for the next 16weeks in exchange for a healthy baby in December.
Is it exhausting and close to excrutiating most days? You bet. Have I come close to tears more often that I'd care to admit in the last week? Yes. But, in spite of it all, if you asked me if I'd do it all over again my answer would be an immediate and resounding:
HELL YES.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
To Cut Or Not To Cut?
THAT is (sort of) the question.
*Before we go any further, I need to warn you that this post may get a bit TMI for some of you. If reading about body parts makes you squeamish, I suggest you stop here...and read a different post!*
Moving on.
Now that we know Baby G is a boy, Scott and I are left with the decision of whether or not to have him circumcised. For Scott, this decision is a simple one -- hell yes we're getting him circumcised. And up until just a few days ago, I was totally on board with it. The only penises I've ever seen have been circumcised, and they all looked fine to me.
But then I made the mistake of visiting my birthboard on Babycenter a few days ago and the very first post was from one mother-to-be asking the rest of us (all 12, 000 of us) whether or not she should circumcise her son. My first thought was, It's your son...what do we care? But then I scrolled a bit further down and watched the post explode into drama the likes of which could only rival that of an abortion thread.
Some women, like myself, couldn't have cared less what this woman did. Others were 100% adamantly for it. And others were 110% against it, stating that circumcision is akin to mutilation and that no one but the child should be allowed to make that decision for him. One woman went so far as to say that any mother who circumcises her son is a mother who doesn't care if her children die. This same woman went so far as to post "circumcision death statistics"...from a completely non-reputable source.
I immediately began scouring the internet for any and all information I could find on infant circumcision, both the pros and the cons and the reasons why people do or don't do it. I searched videos and blogs, parenting forums and websites, articles...anything I could get my hands on. What I found was an awful lot of conflicting information that brought me no closer to my own decision. Some people circumcise for religious reasons, some do it for aesthetic reasons or so that their son "looks like his daddy". Some people do it and immediately regret it, and some people do it and are thrilled with their decision. Some people choose to leave their sons intact and either love it or regret it down the line. I even found a few blogs and articles written by men in their 30s and 40s whose parents chose to leave them intact, but who didn't like their penis for whatever reason and chose to undergo an adult circumcision. Bottom line: there's A LOT of info to be found, and it's up to each parent to make the decision for their own child.
I've found that it's safest to do internet research and talk with actual doctors regarding the decision of whether or not to "make the cut". I made the mistake of innocently bringing up the topic to some of my friends and family, and I was shocked at both the vehemency and immediacy of their responses. None of them knew WHAT my decision was going to be...but none of them asked or cared, either. As far as they're concerned, medical professionals that they are not, we HAVE to circumcise G. No questions asked. If we don't we'll scar him for life in some way, shape or form. Never mind the research I've found, never mind if we want to leave the decision up to our son when he's older. Never mind if we want to spare our baby the ridiculous amounts of pain that we know he'll go through having the procedure done as an infant. What do we know, right?
(The funny thing is that the people who have such in-your-face opinions about it don't even HAVE a son.)
I will always, always play devil's advocate when the subject comes up, though. One, because I believe that each parent should be aware of and informed about the risks associated with circumcusing AND the risks associated later in life with keeping their son(s) intact. And, two, because I plain old don't like having other people's opinions shoved down my throat. Especially when it is an opinion about something I should or shouldn't be doing for my children. No mother is going to purposely do something harmful to her child.
For the record, Scott and I have made a decision for our son. I've done my research and we're fully informed on all sides, and are both confident in the decision we've made. I don't mind telling anyone if they ask, but are we publicizing it? No. It's his penis and it will function just fine, regardless of whatever we've chosen to do.
*************************************************************************************
Hormonal rant over. :-)
*Before we go any further, I need to warn you that this post may get a bit TMI for some of you. If reading about body parts makes you squeamish, I suggest you stop here...and read a different post!*
Moving on.
Now that we know Baby G is a boy, Scott and I are left with the decision of whether or not to have him circumcised. For Scott, this decision is a simple one -- hell yes we're getting him circumcised. And up until just a few days ago, I was totally on board with it. The only penises I've ever seen have been circumcised, and they all looked fine to me.
But then I made the mistake of visiting my birthboard on Babycenter a few days ago and the very first post was from one mother-to-be asking the rest of us (all 12, 000 of us) whether or not she should circumcise her son. My first thought was, It's your son...what do we care? But then I scrolled a bit further down and watched the post explode into drama the likes of which could only rival that of an abortion thread.
Some women, like myself, couldn't have cared less what this woman did. Others were 100% adamantly for it. And others were 110% against it, stating that circumcision is akin to mutilation and that no one but the child should be allowed to make that decision for him. One woman went so far as to say that any mother who circumcises her son is a mother who doesn't care if her children die. This same woman went so far as to post "circumcision death statistics"...from a completely non-reputable source.
I immediately began scouring the internet for any and all information I could find on infant circumcision, both the pros and the cons and the reasons why people do or don't do it. I searched videos and blogs, parenting forums and websites, articles...anything I could get my hands on. What I found was an awful lot of conflicting information that brought me no closer to my own decision. Some people circumcise for religious reasons, some do it for aesthetic reasons or so that their son "looks like his daddy". Some people do it and immediately regret it, and some people do it and are thrilled with their decision. Some people choose to leave their sons intact and either love it or regret it down the line. I even found a few blogs and articles written by men in their 30s and 40s whose parents chose to leave them intact, but who didn't like their penis for whatever reason and chose to undergo an adult circumcision. Bottom line: there's A LOT of info to be found, and it's up to each parent to make the decision for their own child.
I've found that it's safest to do internet research and talk with actual doctors regarding the decision of whether or not to "make the cut". I made the mistake of innocently bringing up the topic to some of my friends and family, and I was shocked at both the vehemency and immediacy of their responses. None of them knew WHAT my decision was going to be...but none of them asked or cared, either. As far as they're concerned, medical professionals that they are not, we HAVE to circumcise G. No questions asked. If we don't we'll scar him for life in some way, shape or form. Never mind the research I've found, never mind if we want to leave the decision up to our son when he's older. Never mind if we want to spare our baby the ridiculous amounts of pain that we know he'll go through having the procedure done as an infant. What do we know, right?
(The funny thing is that the people who have such in-your-face opinions about it don't even HAVE a son.)
I will always, always play devil's advocate when the subject comes up, though. One, because I believe that each parent should be aware of and informed about the risks associated with circumcusing AND the risks associated later in life with keeping their son(s) intact. And, two, because I plain old don't like having other people's opinions shoved down my throat. Especially when it is an opinion about something I should or shouldn't be doing for my children. No mother is going to purposely do something harmful to her child.
For the record, Scott and I have made a decision for our son. I've done my research and we're fully informed on all sides, and are both confident in the decision we've made. I don't mind telling anyone if they ask, but are we publicizing it? No. It's his penis and it will function just fine, regardless of whatever we've chosen to do.
*************************************************************************************
Hormonal rant over. :-)
22 Weeks :-)
I'm 22 weeks along as of Saturday! Still feeling good, aside from the usual aches and pains, so I really can't complain. Baby is moving often, though not nearly as much or as strongly as Bailey did at this point (I'm hoping that means he'll be a bit more mellow?). Still no super strong cravings. With Bailey, I absolutely HAD to have Slim Jims and canned peaches in the house at all times. This time around, though, there's not really one specific thing that I feel like I really need to have. A few weeks ago, I was on an orange kick and ate about 47 of them every day. Now, not so much. I've been ;eaning more towards comfort foods the last two weeks or so (think pot pies, doritos, etc.)...and that makes me nervous! I'm trying my best to be better this time around and to not just let myself go buck wild when it comes to what I eat. So far, I haven't gained nearly as much as I did with Bailey, and I'd like to keep it that way for the next few months.
I still can't believe how quickly the time is flying by! Scott starts back at school next week and before we know it Labor Day will be here, then Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas...too fast! I'm so paranoid that I won't have things ready by the time the baby gets here. We haven't done a thing yet for his room (thank God we're able to just reuse Bailey's crib), and I've only bought a few things here and there as far as clothes. When it comes to the daycare/preschool...I'm trying my best to get everything ready curriculum-wise, but it's slow-going. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm only taking a week off before starting back (I'll have help until January, though, but still). That is the ONE thing that I'm most upset about this time around, but I don't really have much of a choice.
In any case, things are going well for now. And, of course, I've gotta share a couple photos of Miss Bailey...
 |
| 22 weeks along and going strong! |
I still can't believe how quickly the time is flying by! Scott starts back at school next week and before we know it Labor Day will be here, then Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas...too fast! I'm so paranoid that I won't have things ready by the time the baby gets here. We haven't done a thing yet for his room (thank God we're able to just reuse Bailey's crib), and I've only bought a few things here and there as far as clothes. When it comes to the daycare/preschool...I'm trying my best to get everything ready curriculum-wise, but it's slow-going. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm only taking a week off before starting back (I'll have help until January, though, but still). That is the ONE thing that I'm most upset about this time around, but I don't really have much of a choice.
In any case, things are going well for now. And, of course, I've gotta share a couple photos of Miss Bailey...
 |
| Cannot get the girl to smile for the camera! |
 |
| She dressed herself. In long pants and a winter hat. In August. |
Friday, August 17, 2012
...And I Melt
We're in the throes of the Terrible Twos in the Wanner household (notice how almost every post mentions this? It's no joke). But I'm noticing the past few days that Bailey is having WAY fewer tantrums and meltdowns than usual and is communicating, for the most part, more calmly and rationally than normal. Now, that I've just jinxed myself...
Anyway, there are still more tantrums than I'd like and when she's in meltdown mode, I readily admit that it takes me quite a few minutes sometimes to calm her down. I've even resorted to ignoring her on occasion (like if we're at home and she starts losing her mind because, OMG I can't wrap my baby doll in her blanket perfectly and the world WILL end if this doesn't go my way immediately) or losing my cool and raising my voice at her (when she takes a swing or lashes out mid-tantrum). Usually, it only takes a few minutes to calm her down and then we can all take a deep breath and go on our merry way.
Lately, though, I'm finding that I breathe a whole lot easier. She's freaking out less and agreeing more, and I'm noticing in a million little ways how sweet and awesome this kid is. In between her toddler-ness and off-the-wall behavior and her need for instant gratification at all times there is a child who makes my heart melt at the most unexpected times and sometimes for the most unexpected reasons.
Anyway, there are still more tantrums than I'd like and when she's in meltdown mode, I readily admit that it takes me quite a few minutes sometimes to calm her down. I've even resorted to ignoring her on occasion (like if we're at home and she starts losing her mind because, OMG I can't wrap my baby doll in her blanket perfectly and the world WILL end if this doesn't go my way immediately) or losing my cool and raising my voice at her (when she takes a swing or lashes out mid-tantrum). Usually, it only takes a few minutes to calm her down and then we can all take a deep breath and go on our merry way.
Lately, though, I'm finding that I breathe a whole lot easier. She's freaking out less and agreeing more, and I'm noticing in a million little ways how sweet and awesome this kid is. In between her toddler-ness and off-the-wall behavior and her need for instant gratification at all times there is a child who makes my heart melt at the most unexpected times and sometimes for the most unexpected reasons.
- Last night, I was washing dishes after dinner when Bailey asked to play with "mommy's toys". These are the cake toppers from Scott's and my wedding cakes. We have two of them and keep them sort of on display in the kitchen (mostly because we have nowhere else to put them and I don't want to throw them away). So, I take the cake toppers down and set them on the kitchen table and help Bailey climb into a chair so she can "play" with them while I finish the dishes. After a few minutes, it dawns on me that she's being REALLY quiet and I'm not hearing her usual noise and banging around. I turn around, fully expecting to see that Tornado Bailey has come through while my back was turned...and find her hugging the cake toppers. Then she whispers to them: "Dis mommy princess and dis Daddy princess. Pretty princess." She finishes up with a quick kiss on both cake toppers and places them oh-so-carefully back on the table before climbing out of her chair and skipping into the living room.
- Last weekend, I wore a dress...a very, very rare occasion. I came downstairs and Bailey's eyes just lit up. "Mommy, you a princess!" Heart = melted.
- Just about every day, Bailey will stop whatever she's doing and burst into song at the top of her lungs. Most often, she chooses "You Are My Sunshine" and sometimes she picks a song that only she knows and understands. She doesn't always get the words or the melody right, but she sings as loud as she can and spins around the room while she does it. Without a care in the world and not giving a crap at all if anyone is watching her or thinks she looks like a lunatic on speed. I love, love, love that about her and I so hope that, no matter how big she gets, she never ever loses that 100% confidence and belief that she is AWESOME.
- Last week, my niece was in her bouncy seat and was crying a bit while I made her a bottle. I had just finished putting the cap on the bottle when she stopped crying. I thought she had fallen asleep, but when I went to go check on her I found her gazing up at Bailey and smiling. When she started to cry, Bailey went over to her and tried to give her a pacifier. She was gently bouncing her seat while trying to put the pacifier in her mouth and whispering, "I know. It's okay, baby Harley (Karley), it's okay. Mommy's coming."
- The other day, I was putting her to bed and she jumped up and said that she wanted to say night-night to Daddy. I brought her downstairs and she went running full force at him, screaming "Night-night, Daddy! Night-night!" Scott picked her up and gave her a kiss and she put her head on his shoulder and said, "Lub you, Daddy". The first time she ever said "I love you" first without one of us saying it first or prompting her. <3
- Scott had to go to work for a half day yesterday and as he was getting in the car, Bailey yelled out the door, "Daddy! Come back here a second! I wanna give you kisses!"
- Lately, whenever we're in the car she asks me to hold her hand. It's uncomfortable as hell to spend a car ride leaning backwards and twisting my arm so that I can reach back to hold her hand...but so, so worth it.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Mourning the Loss...
...of all things girly!
Scott and I went to Babies R Us a few days ago to get an idea of what we wanted to do for the baby's room. While we were there, we decided to check out the clothes and see about getting an outfit to bring him home in. My eyes immediately gravitated toward the girls section: colorful, ruffly, adorable and HUGE. The girls section took up more than half of the clothing section, and the clothes were adorable. I kept remembering all the outfits Bailey wore as a baby...all the butt ruffles...the pretty little dresses and onesies with little sayings on them. "Daddy's Princess". "Mommy's Angel". And so on and so on.
And then I looked at the boys section.
This section took up less than half of the space and was pretty monotone. No butt ruffles, no pretty little dresses. They did have quite an array of sweatpants and plain onesies. There was a frightening amount of camo and hunting outfits.
*Insert sad face here*
I'm mourning the loss of the sweet little girl clothes. I honestly didn't think that I would be so sad about something as ridiculous as what clothes I was going to put on my son. Actually, I hadn't even thought about it until we walked in the store and I saw the difference in clothing. But now I'm sad and pretty bummed. Granted, we've only looked at the one store, and I'm sure that when the time comes I'll be able to find tons of cute outfits for G. But he'll never wear a pair of frilly tights under a dress. I'll never search for the perfect pair of shiny mary janes to go with his Easter dress. I'll never buy bows and headbands and ponytail holders to put in his hair. He'll be stuck with boring browns and blues and maybe some red tossed in.
I'm hoping that this is some sort of hormonal lapse and that I'll get it together soon and realize how absolutely ridiculous I'm being. But for now, I'm going to embrace my sadness.
Scott and I did manage to find two outfits we could agree on and that didn't totally suck...
Scott and I went to Babies R Us a few days ago to get an idea of what we wanted to do for the baby's room. While we were there, we decided to check out the clothes and see about getting an outfit to bring him home in. My eyes immediately gravitated toward the girls section: colorful, ruffly, adorable and HUGE. The girls section took up more than half of the clothing section, and the clothes were adorable. I kept remembering all the outfits Bailey wore as a baby...all the butt ruffles...the pretty little dresses and onesies with little sayings on them. "Daddy's Princess". "Mommy's Angel". And so on and so on.
And then I looked at the boys section.
This section took up less than half of the space and was pretty monotone. No butt ruffles, no pretty little dresses. They did have quite an array of sweatpants and plain onesies. There was a frightening amount of camo and hunting outfits.
*Insert sad face here*
I'm mourning the loss of the sweet little girl clothes. I honestly didn't think that I would be so sad about something as ridiculous as what clothes I was going to put on my son. Actually, I hadn't even thought about it until we walked in the store and I saw the difference in clothing. But now I'm sad and pretty bummed. Granted, we've only looked at the one store, and I'm sure that when the time comes I'll be able to find tons of cute outfits for G. But he'll never wear a pair of frilly tights under a dress. I'll never search for the perfect pair of shiny mary janes to go with his Easter dress. I'll never buy bows and headbands and ponytail holders to put in his hair. He'll be stuck with boring browns and blues and maybe some red tossed in.
I'm hoping that this is some sort of hormonal lapse and that I'll get it together soon and realize how absolutely ridiculous I'm being. But for now, I'm going to embrace my sadness.
Scott and I did manage to find two outfits we could agree on and that didn't totally suck...
 | |
| Scott picked this one out. The logo up top says "Mommy's Little Monkey" |
 | ||||||
| And I picked this one...footballs! |
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Shadows
I'm at a loss here. The last few days have been a nightmare when it comes to bed time and I'm not sure how to fix it.
Our bed time routine is simple: jammies and milk around 7:45ish and then Bailey watches and episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in "mommy's bed", then she goes to her own bed after the show. I turn on her night lights and her lullaby CD, we read two books, sing our own lullaby and I say goodnight.
The last three nights, though, have been difficult. All of a sudden, Bailey is crying that she's "scared of shadows". She's been so worked up over it that I haven't been able to get her to bed before 10 or 11pm, and then she's up again for the day between 7-7:30am. The first night, I kind of blew it off, thinking that she was only saying it to get me to let her stay up in my bed a little longer. But the second and third night have me worried that we'll never get back to our old, easy routine.
She has two night lights in her room, so it's really not all that dark in there. Granted, I did have to move a lamp out of her room the first night. It's a beautiful lamp, but the way the night light kept hitting it really was making a freaky shadow on her ceiling. So the lamp went in another room, but she's still afraid. Last night, I gave her an old teddy bear that used to be mine when I was little. I told her that as long as she had mommy's bear she didn't need to be scared of the shadows. She still cried a bit when she realized I was leaving the room. And, as a result, she's not sleeping as well...which is making her grumpy during the day.
I don't want to screw up our routine even more, but at the same time I cannot leave her crying in the dark at night if she is legitimately scared (which, it seems she really is). I have no clue what to do here.
Any advice?
Our bed time routine is simple: jammies and milk around 7:45ish and then Bailey watches and episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in "mommy's bed", then she goes to her own bed after the show. I turn on her night lights and her lullaby CD, we read two books, sing our own lullaby and I say goodnight.
The last three nights, though, have been difficult. All of a sudden, Bailey is crying that she's "scared of shadows". She's been so worked up over it that I haven't been able to get her to bed before 10 or 11pm, and then she's up again for the day between 7-7:30am. The first night, I kind of blew it off, thinking that she was only saying it to get me to let her stay up in my bed a little longer. But the second and third night have me worried that we'll never get back to our old, easy routine.
She has two night lights in her room, so it's really not all that dark in there. Granted, I did have to move a lamp out of her room the first night. It's a beautiful lamp, but the way the night light kept hitting it really was making a freaky shadow on her ceiling. So the lamp went in another room, but she's still afraid. Last night, I gave her an old teddy bear that used to be mine when I was little. I told her that as long as she had mommy's bear she didn't need to be scared of the shadows. She still cried a bit when she realized I was leaving the room. And, as a result, she's not sleeping as well...which is making her grumpy during the day.
I don't want to screw up our routine even more, but at the same time I cannot leave her crying in the dark at night if she is legitimately scared (which, it seems she really is). I have no clue what to do here.
Any advice?
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The Terrible Twos Are Here!
My house is not often calm, nor is it quiet. During the week, at any given time, there are between 4 and 6 kids here...they are not quiet, and there is no peace until they take a nap. At which time, at least one of the babies is awake--if I were a more paranoid person, I would swear that there was some sort of conspiracy going on here.
In any case, you get my drift...it's not calm and quiet here during the day.
After the daycare kids go home, however, you'd think it would be calmer. But that hasn't been the case lately. The Terrible Twos have visited us, and show no sign of leaving any time soon. Those of you who know us well know that Bailey has never been a "sit quietly and use an inside voice" kind of girl. From day one she was a screamer when things didn't go her way and, whether excited, sad, angry or happy, she has no concept of using an "inside voice". Everyone around her knows exactly how she's feeling at all times.
The last few days have been especially trying with her. For no reason at all (that I can see), all of her patience has gone. When she wants something or wants to do something, it has to be done right now or she goes into full-on crisis mode, complete with screaming and, sometimes, throwing things. Yesterday afternoon, she couldn't find the flap on her baby's diaper. Her anger went from zero to Defcon 5 in a matter of seconds and nothing I did could calm her down. She screamed, she threw herself on the floor, she stood up and threw her baby across the room. Same thing happened when she wanted to have soda and I told her we didn't have any (we did, but I didn't want her to drink it). Same story again at bath time and bed time. All day long, I alternated between wanting to run away screaming and permanently trading her for one of my daycare kids.
A calmer mother might have been able to overlook these tantrums, work through them, and recognize them for what they are--Bailey's way of coping when we don't understand her or when she doesn't know how to ask for what she needs or wants. A calmer mother might have quietly calmed her down and gone about her day, forgetting completely about the incident. I, on the other hand, chose a different route.
When she screamed and tried to bite me, I sent her to her room and let her scream in there for a good ten minutes...then sat down and cried my eyes out, guilty that I made her cry all by herself in her bedroom and sad that I couldn't be the kind of mother she needed to get her through the trials of her everyday life (however minute and ridiculous they may seem to an adult).
I don't know these days if my uncertainty and feelings of failure are normal or if they're exacerbated by the pregnancy. Do all mothers, at some point, feel like they're completely unqualified to do the simple tasks required to ensure their child's happiness on any given day? Am I the only one dealing with a screaming, tantruming child that I sometimes don't recognize and often don't know how to control?
In a moment of uncertainty, I posted (what I thought was a witty) status on Facebook about how we were screwed if baby number two is as crazy as Bailey. Surprisingly, a lot of people commented and gave me some good advice or just let me know that I wasn't totally alone. An old friend from high school who has 3 kids now (and who I admire because every status update and every picture she posts show a houseful of happy, calm and "good-listening" children...how does she do it?!) made a comment that she found that number #2 mellowed out number #1. What?!
She knows what I'm talking about, and has had the same sort of issues with her kids that I have with mine.
Maybe I'm not a crap mother, after all. Maybe I do know what I'm doing, and just need to focus and navigate us all through this rough patch right now. Maybe Bailey's tantrums and behavior aren't a reflection of my abilities and skill (or lack-there-of) as a mother...maybe they really are just her way of dealing with a complicated world and situations that, to her, seem difficult and out of her control.
And maybe...just maybe...we're not alone.
****************************************************************
And, because I'm feeling guilty now, I want to add that Bailey came downstairs this morning a TOTALLY different person than the angry, screaming little girl she was last night. She has A LOT of great moments, and just a few not-so-great (read: screaming, tantruming, "I hate the world") moments. It just so happens that the not-so-good moments are the ones that overwhelm me and stick with me longer. I still, and will always, love her unconditionally and like crazy. She'll always be my girl...even when she's screaming at me.
In any case, you get my drift...it's not calm and quiet here during the day.
After the daycare kids go home, however, you'd think it would be calmer. But that hasn't been the case lately. The Terrible Twos have visited us, and show no sign of leaving any time soon. Those of you who know us well know that Bailey has never been a "sit quietly and use an inside voice" kind of girl. From day one she was a screamer when things didn't go her way and, whether excited, sad, angry or happy, she has no concept of using an "inside voice". Everyone around her knows exactly how she's feeling at all times.
The last few days have been especially trying with her. For no reason at all (that I can see), all of her patience has gone. When she wants something or wants to do something, it has to be done right now or she goes into full-on crisis mode, complete with screaming and, sometimes, throwing things. Yesterday afternoon, she couldn't find the flap on her baby's diaper. Her anger went from zero to Defcon 5 in a matter of seconds and nothing I did could calm her down. She screamed, she threw herself on the floor, she stood up and threw her baby across the room. Same thing happened when she wanted to have soda and I told her we didn't have any (we did, but I didn't want her to drink it). Same story again at bath time and bed time. All day long, I alternated between wanting to run away screaming and permanently trading her for one of my daycare kids.
A calmer mother might have been able to overlook these tantrums, work through them, and recognize them for what they are--Bailey's way of coping when we don't understand her or when she doesn't know how to ask for what she needs or wants. A calmer mother might have quietly calmed her down and gone about her day, forgetting completely about the incident. I, on the other hand, chose a different route.
When she screamed and tried to bite me, I sent her to her room and let her scream in there for a good ten minutes...then sat down and cried my eyes out, guilty that I made her cry all by herself in her bedroom and sad that I couldn't be the kind of mother she needed to get her through the trials of her everyday life (however minute and ridiculous they may seem to an adult).
I don't know these days if my uncertainty and feelings of failure are normal or if they're exacerbated by the pregnancy. Do all mothers, at some point, feel like they're completely unqualified to do the simple tasks required to ensure their child's happiness on any given day? Am I the only one dealing with a screaming, tantruming child that I sometimes don't recognize and often don't know how to control?
In a moment of uncertainty, I posted (what I thought was a witty) status on Facebook about how we were screwed if baby number two is as crazy as Bailey. Surprisingly, a lot of people commented and gave me some good advice or just let me know that I wasn't totally alone. An old friend from high school who has 3 kids now (and who I admire because every status update and every picture she posts show a houseful of happy, calm and "good-listening" children...how does she do it?!) made a comment that she found that number #2 mellowed out number #1. What?!
She knows what I'm talking about, and has had the same sort of issues with her kids that I have with mine.
Maybe I'm not a crap mother, after all. Maybe I do know what I'm doing, and just need to focus and navigate us all through this rough patch right now. Maybe Bailey's tantrums and behavior aren't a reflection of my abilities and skill (or lack-there-of) as a mother...maybe they really are just her way of dealing with a complicated world and situations that, to her, seem difficult and out of her control.
And maybe...just maybe...we're not alone.
****************************************************************
And, because I'm feeling guilty now, I want to add that Bailey came downstairs this morning a TOTALLY different person than the angry, screaming little girl she was last night. She has A LOT of great moments, and just a few not-so-great (read: screaming, tantruming, "I hate the world") moments. It just so happens that the not-so-good moments are the ones that overwhelm me and stick with me longer. I still, and will always, love her unconditionally and like crazy. She'll always be my girl...even when she's screaming at me.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Rolie Polie Olie
Baby G decided that, after 19 weeks of laying low, he wants to make it known that he's here and he means business. For the LONGEST time all I've felt we're little rolls, maybe a twist or two, but nothing more. When I was pregnant with Bailey, I felt her moving a few weeks sooner and, since they say that subsequent pregnancies will feel movement even sooner, I was starting to get worried when I hit 18 weeks and hadn't felt much more than the occasional roll.
Then yesterday G decided he'd cut me a break and let me know that all is well in there (maybe he's just been feeling lazy up to this point?). If I go by my original due date of December 25th, I was 19 weeks exactly yesterday. They changed it at my level 2 ultrasound, though, to December 22nd. So, technically, I was 19w 3d along yesterday. In any case, the baby spent most of the day giving me little kicks and nudges, and there was no mistaking that it was him! At one point it was so hard and unexpected that I literally stopped what I was in the middle of doing. It's so very nice to finally be feeling some actual movement!
And in case you're wondering...here's what I'm dealing with over here:
A MONSTER FOOT. Just like Scott's and nearly identical to Bailey's (to this day we have a hard time finding shoes that fit comfortably on her feet). I'm in for some discomfort in the coming months if this is what's
going to be kicking me!
Then yesterday G decided he'd cut me a break and let me know that all is well in there (maybe he's just been feeling lazy up to this point?). If I go by my original due date of December 25th, I was 19 weeks exactly yesterday. They changed it at my level 2 ultrasound, though, to December 22nd. So, technically, I was 19w 3d along yesterday. In any case, the baby spent most of the day giving me little kicks and nudges, and there was no mistaking that it was him! At one point it was so hard and unexpected that I literally stopped what I was in the middle of doing. It's so very nice to finally be feeling some actual movement!
And in case you're wondering...here's what I'm dealing with over here:
A MONSTER FOOT. Just like Scott's and nearly identical to Bailey's (to this day we have a hard time finding shoes that fit comfortably on her feet). I'm in for some discomfort in the coming months if this is what's
going to be kicking me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)