Hold Them Tighter

I came on here to write out a lighthearted blog post, pictures included, about what life's been like in the Wanner house since I last posted.  Instead, I had to log off my computer, turn off my tv, and just give in to a breakdown.  For the last hour or so.

This is the latest news headline, compliments of Yahoo!, as of just a few minutes ago:  http://gma.yahoo.com/breaking-conn-school-district-locked-down-shooting-report-151955384--abc-news-topstories.html

More information comes in every few minutes but, in a nutshell, there was a shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut this morning.   

An elementary school.  Kindergarten to fourth grade...ages 5 to 10 years old.

28 people have been killed, 20 of them children, and I cannot...cannot...wrap my head around this.  They've been showing pictures on the news, and they horrify me to the point where I've had to physically cover my mouth because I'm realizing that I'm making these choking, mewling noises and I can't control them.  The pictures show children being led out of the building, frantic parents with tears in their eyes and total fear captured on their faces, and police and other law enforcement agents fanned out in the thick of things.

Because I have to keep turning off the television, I'm getting info in bits and pieces but it seems as if somehow the shooting began in the principal's office.  The shooter is a 20-something male whose mother is a teacher in the school.  I don't know why he was there or what provoked him but he shot and killed the principal and then continued from classroom to classroom...at one point, the newscaster mentioned that he had shot people execution-style, and that officers and first-responders were going to require counseling after the carnage that they witnessed when all was said and done.

I can't handle this.

I keep putting myself in the shoes of the parents, and I just can't handle it.  20 children were shot and killed at school today.  Hundreds of parents rushed to that school when they heard the news, and 20 sets of them were told that their child was dead.  My heart broke into a thousand pieces as I watched this on the news, and I can't even begin to imagine what these parents must be feeling.  I just can't imagine.

How are we supposed to send our children, our elementary-aged children, off to school each day knowing that something like this could happen?   That the place where our children spend the majority of their day learning and playing could, at any point, turn into a nightmare?  Things like this shouldn't happen today, especially not in a school.  And not to innocent children. 

I can't stand the thought of sending Bailey off to school and getting that phone call, of running to that building and finding out that she'd been injured or killed for no apparent reason whatsoever.  I couldn't handle it.  I wouldn't survive it.  I want to put her in a bubble for the rest of her life and never let her leave my sight just so I can be sure that she's safe and okay.  I want to tell her that I love her and that I'm so sorry that I brought her into a world where things like this are even a possibility.

I can't always be right there to protect her and it terrifies me.  And it makes me so sad that the world is turning into this kind of place.  I have no real connection to this shooting, other than the fact that I am a mother.  I don't know any of the families or the victims.  But my heart keeps breaking over and over again for them and I'm having a hard time getting my emotions under control.  Bailey is with my mom and dad right now; she slept over at their house last night.  I know she's safe and having fun, I just talked to my mom a little while ago.  But there's still this huge part of me that wants to drive over there and bring her home with me where I can physically see that she is here and okay and alive.  It sounds a bit irrational, but I'm not a rational person when it comes to my children. These days, we just can't afford to be.

I can't help but wonder what the parents of the children in that school are feeling right now.  I don't know how they'll get past this, or IF they'll get past it.  I'm so, so incredibly heartbroken for them, and for the children and adults who were in that school today. 

I've always made it a point to hug Bailey often and to tell her how much I love her.  I do it multiple times every day and will continue to do it every day for as long as she'll let me.  Today, I'll be holding her a little bit tighter.  And thanking God that she's here and safe, and that I'm lucky enough to be able to hug her until she squirms to get away.    Today there are 20 sets of parents who don't have that luxury anymore.  At the same time that my heart shatters for them, a voice in my head whispers that I am so lucky.  We may drive each other nuts some days, but I couldn't imagine my life without Bailey in it and I'm so, so lucky to be her mom.  I'll be holding her a little bit tighter and a little bit longer from now on.

37 Week Appointment!

Just a heads up...this is a TMI post.  So if any of you are squeamish and/or don't want to read about the ins and outs of the last few weeks of pregnancy, please feel free to skip this post.

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I had my 37 week appointment this morning, and it went well!  As I was leaving the house, Bailey started crying that she wanted to come with me and I thought, what the heck?  She's pretty good when I take her.  About an hour later, I was kicking myself for it.  I'm sitting there with my feet in the stirrups and the doc leans down to start the internal exam and Bailey yells, "Oh!  Watch out for mommy's big butt!"  Thank you, Captain Obvious...

Anyway, I'm finally making some progress!  1cm dilated and soft.  Technically, this doesn't mean much.  Some women walk around dilated at 1cm for months, and some women end up in labor within a few hours.  So, really, it could go any way.  But I don't think he's coming any time soon.  I just keep reminding myself, 3 more weeks, 3 more weeks.  And, honestly, as much as I'm ready for him to be here I know it's much easier having him on the inside for now.  Still got Christmas shopping to do, and all those little last minute details to attend to, like getting the car seat in the car (actually, cleaning out the car is high on my to-do list), washing the cradle bedding since that's where he'll be sleeping when he first comes home, and re-packing my bag for the hospital.  Yes, re-packing.  I packed it two weeks ago, went in there last night to check it and realize that I packed like an idiot.  So I'm starting over tonight and then it'll be ready to go.

I also have a breastfeeding class to go to tonight at the new hospital, and I'm actually really looking forward to it.  I didn't take any classes or anything with Bailey, just read up on some things online and figured I knew what I needed to know.  Turns out, I really didn't know much at all.  So I'm hoping that this class gives me some more knowledge and a few tips on making things easier and smooth for both the baby and myself.

I'll update on things a bit more later!

I Confess...

Those of you who have been following this blog have heard read quite a few complaints from me over the last few months.  I've said it before and I'll say it again-- this pregnancy has kicked my ass.  I have SPD this time around and there are a good number of days where simply moving at all from the waist down is excruciating.  Anyway, so yes, I've been complaining.

(Disclaimer: Regardless of my whininess, I would, and hopefully will, do it all over again because I freakin' love my kids and I cannot imagine my life without a bunch of little ones running around).

The other day I got to thinking about this pregnancy and how different it's been from my pregnancy with Bailey.  As is usually the case, those thoughts took me on a little guided ADD tour and before I knew it I had made a list of all the ridiculous and terrible things I've done throughout the last 9 months.  Some things make me feel really stupid (I cried over THAT?!) and some make me chuckle at myself (I did that?!)...and some make me feel a tremendous amount of guilt (I'm a bad mom!).  I figured this list might be good to look back on down the road.  It might even help some other moms out there to realize that they're not the only ones who suck at parenting sometimes.  At the very least, maybe it'll be a wake-up call for me.  Probably not...but maybe.

So, without further ado and in no particular order, I confess...

• that Bailey has never eaten as unhealthily as she has in the past 3 months.  I won't even try and sugarcoat this-- she's eaten so much crap in the last few weeks it's not even funny.  I'm exhausted and in pain, and the last thing I feel like doing after working an 11 hour day is going all domestic and whipping up a nutritious dinner for my family.  So...the other day, I let Bailey have a few Oreos and some a shit ton of corn for dinner.  That's all she wanted and I didn't feel like arguing with her.  And now, with Christmas and the new baby coming quickly, Scott and I are scrambling to get all our shopping done and everything else ready to go in case baby decides to come early (or even on time).  Because it hurts so bad to move some days, we've been heading to the mall for a little while a few days a week to make as much of a dent in things as we can.  On those nights, Bailey has had ice cream for dinner.  I kid you not...mint chocolate chip ice cream with rainbow sprinkles, per her request.  It's much easier to have her munching on that while we get things done than to make her sit down and eat something that I know is good for her but she'll fight to the death to get out of eating.  I swear, once this baby is born, I'll make sure she eats much healthier.  For now...meh.  She's not starving.

• that I have been a terrible wife.   Only in a moment of severe weakness will I ever admit this to Scott, but it's true.  He's busting his ass for this family: he got a second job to bring in a little extra cash, he's working on his Master's, he gives Bailey her bath at night because I can't bend over the tub anymore, when we do sit down and have a nice meal at home HE is the one who cooked it, he makes sure all our bills are paid on time, he helps clean the house (I haven't touched the vacuum this entire pregnancy), he takes care of the dog, he single-handedly put up all of our Christmas decorations (inside and outside), he does all of the laundry, he helped get the baby's room together, he takes time off work to stay here with the daycare kids when I have doctor's appointments, he moves around furniture whenever I feel the urge to "change" something (yesterday he moved our bedroom furniture around 3 times until I liked it) and he tells me often that, even though *I* hate the way I look right now, he still finds me beautiful.  And how have I repaid him for all his kindness and hard work?  Well...the short answer is that I haven't.  And I honestly can't work up the energy to do more than say a lame thank you.  *sigh*  I have a lot of paying back to do once this baby arrives.

• that typing my last confession made me cry. I suck as a wife right now, I really do.  Some other things that made me cry recently:  (1) stepping on the scale at my last appointment and seeing how ridiculously high that freakin' number went (my God, it was bad...the doctor must think I'm a lunatic); (2) over the weekend when a woman at the mall thought I was having twins and that I was due any day now (just one baby...still have 3 weeks to go);  (3) finding new stretch marks; (4) the fact that my belly button popped out (this one was happy tears and, for the life of me, I don't why I would CARE about my belly button, let alone cry over it);  (5) the other day when I turned on the car radio and caught the last 20 seconds of my favorite Christmas song...I was sad that I didn't get to hear the whole thing.  OMG, I'm pathetic.

• that I am NOT a cute pregnant woman.   Especially not this time around.  I went into this pregnancy already weighing more than I did with Bailey, so I already had at least one strike against me.  I live in sweat pants, with no make-up on most days and the second the last daycare kid gets picked up at night I run waddle upstairs to put on my pajamas.  Every day I find a new stretch mark or fat dimple.  I get out of breath taking a shower these days, and climbing the stairs can take more time than I'd like to admit.  Sexy, right?  Any picture I have posted online, while it IS me, is a fabrication.  I stand in front of the mirror and spend a good 10 minutes finding a pose that hides all the bad spots and highlights the bump in the most flattering way I can manage.  Notice that in all of these pictures, I also have make-up on and my hair is semi-decent looking.  You will not find a picture of me on a normal day.  It's ugly and frightening and will ruin your image of me forever.  Just trust me on this one.

• that I can't remember the last time I took my prenatal vitamin. I'll also add here that I'm a wuss when it comes to swallowing a gigantic horse pill, and so I take chewable gummy vitamins.  Like a child.  The bottle is sitting right there on top of the fridge so there's no way I can miss them, and yet I still forget to take them.  I feel guilty sometimes, but I figure that I never took one with Bailey (they made me so sick my OB said to just not take them at all) and she turned out fine.  Everything looks great with the baby, so it's kind of like a bonus when I do remember to take them, right?  Flame away, folks.  Flame away.

• that I'm worried that I'm not connecting with this baby like I did with Bailey. Life is SO BUSY right now that I can seriously go an entire day without thinking of this pregnancy (until the baby kicks or my SPD sends me into a fit of tears).  When I was pregnant with Bailey, I felt like we had this connection from the very day the test said "positive".  I used to rub my belly and talk to her (when I was alone so people wouldn't think I needed to be committed) and I LOVED being pregnant and feeling her kicks and rolls.  I soaked up every moment of that pregnancy and felt beautiful and was in a 9-month-long state of joy.  This time around, I'm miserable a good chunk of the time. I don't get a break during the day and when I do, I usually end up falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion instead of rubbing and talking to my belly.  I'm so busy dealing with Bailey and the daycare kids that I don't get a minute to sit down and really "connect" with the baby.  When he kicks these days, it really friggin' hurts, and I find that I'm taken by surprise and almost annoyed at the pain instead of relishing the fact that he's got a healthy set of arms and legs to kick the hell out of me with.  I'm terrified that he's going to be born and we'll look at each other and be like, who the hell are you?

• that I'm worried and sad that Bailey isn't getting the best of me. I've hit the point where I have zero tolerance and no patience for anything or anyone.  When Bailey is having a rough moment, it takes everything in me not to totally lose my cool and just start screaming.  Sometimes, I do yell when she starts acting up.  I forget that she's just a kid and that it's my job to talk her through her tantrums and help her to realize why she's so upset in the first place.  In just a few weeks, she'll have a brother that she'll be forced to share my attention with and I feel awful that I haven't made her last few weeks as an only child more special for her.  I've still got time to do this, but I need to DO it and not just talk about it, you know?

• that one of my daycare parents asked me to make sure the baby was born on my due date, even if meant being induced, because then she wouldn't have to take any extra time off work...and it took everything in me not to rip her freakin' head off for saying such an asinine thing.  I also confess that, after she left that night and took her pain in the ass kid home with her, I sat down and wrote a termination letter that I'll be giving her at the end of the week.  I don't normally vent about daycare here, but this one just pushed me over the edge.  I'm only taking a week off after the baby is born...ONE WEEK.  At any other job, I'd be entitled to a minimum of 6 weeks off, but I didn't want to inconvenience any of the daycare families any more than I had to so I stupidly decided to close for just one week.  I told the parents about my pregnancy and my time off decision at 14 weeks along, so they've now had almost 5 months to get a plan together for when I close.  And yet, this family didn't.  But thought it was appropriate, after I'm already making a HUGE sacrifice for them, to ask me to be induced to ensure that she wouldn't have to miss work.  Sure, lady.  I'll plan the birth of my child around what works best for YOUR schedule.  Sure.  And the kicker of it is that her kid is the biggest pain in the ass I have in the daycare right now.  I won't go into specifics (not that it matters after this rant, anyway) but suffice it to say that the days she is here are pure hell and that most of the other kids are affected by it, as well.  So, I won't say anything about how disrespectful her comment was...I'll just say goodbye.  With a big smile on my face.

• that I think Bailey is going to be a PHENOMENAL big sister and I'm so, so, so excited to see her interact with her baby brother. Enough said here.  I've seen the way she is with her cousin Karley and the daycare babies and I just know she'll be an awesome big sister.  I can't wait to see how two little people that I created interact with each other.  :-)

• that I still haven't potty trained Bailey, and I don't have any immediate plans to. Does that make me a slacker mom?  Whenever someone asks (not that it's ANY of their business), I tell them that we're waiting until after the baby is born because we don't want to throw too much at her at once.  And that’s true.  But there’s also the fact that I’m just too damn tired to potty train right now, and I know it’s going to be difficult with her.  She’s really not showing any signs of readiness and she’s not quite 2 ½, so I figure I still have a little bit of time before I start getting weird looks when people see her in a diaper.  Plus, and this is going to make me sound like a total whacko, a little part of me feels like the diapers are the last shred of her babyhood that I can hold onto right now.  And, dumb as it sounds, I’m not sure that I’m ready to give that up yet.  Ohmigod, I didn’t realize how bad that sounded until I just saw it in print.  Good Lord, I’m going to end up on an episode of Dr. Phil.  Anyway, we WILL start potty training her after the baby is born and we’ve gotten into a routine and are adjusting to things.  I promise that I will not send her off to school in diapers.  They won’t allow that. 

• that I can’t remember the last time I ate something truly healthy.  Seriously.  All this baby wants is crap food…chips, cookies, anything you could label as “comfort food”.  I have to force myself to choke down some fruit or a vegetable and even then it takes a few minutes for the nausea to pass.  And I was doing so well before getting pregnant.  I’ll get back on track after delivery (I’ll have no choice but to eat healthy again if I want to get rid of this giant lumpy body) but until then…

And one last confession…

• that I’m jealous of skinny bitches.  To be more specific, not just skinny bitches but skinny bitches who’ve just had a baby.  I did some Facebook stalking the other day and found at least 4 women from my graduating high school class who have given birth within the last 3 months…and they ALL look fantastic.  One of them just had a baby two WEEKS ago, and looks just as great as she did before getting pregnant.  I’m jealous as hell in awe of her.  Would it be creepy to put a picture of her on my fridge for inspiration after this baby gets here?  Just kidding.  I wouldn’t really do that.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I’d totally do it if I didn’t think I’d find myself Scott staring at her picture daily. 

So, there are my confessions.  For now.  I’m sure I’ll have tons more in the coming months, but for now this is it.  

Don’t judge me too harshly.  But, if you do, just remember that these could be your confessions one day.  Scary thought, isn’t it?