Happy Birthday To...

...my brother, TJ!  He turns 22 today and I'm bummed that I won't be there today to celebrate with him, but we'll see him later on tonight.

Happy Birthday, Teej!

Bullying

I watched a show on CBS the other night called "Bullying: Words Can Kill", and I can't get it out of my head.  It seems like every time you turn around these days another kid has committed suicide because of bullying or another video of someone being bullied has been leaked on the internet.  It's great that bullying is getting so much national attention now and that anti-bullying movements are taking place everywhere...but I don't feel like we've made any progress in the years since I was a kid. The news about bullying these days brings me back to my own experience, and I wish that more could be done to put a stop to it today.

I went through 4 years of hell in middle school.  I started 5th grade in a very small Catholic school, and I was the "new kid".  The school was so small, in fact, that I graduated (8th grade) with just 12 people in my entire class.  I'm not going to go into too much detail about my experience, but it was awful.  I was pushed, kicked, spit on, talked about, and mocked on a daily basis.  I used to have such severe anxiety about going to school that I threw up every morning.  I never knew what would set off the bully, and I never knew when it would happen.  I suffered a concussion after being kicked in the head one day.  Another day, I was pushed into a coat hook and ripped fresh stitches (from a mole removal) in my back.  Just ONE person (ironically, the smallest girl in our class) started the bullying and EVERY SINGLE student in my class (and some who weren't even in our class) followed her.  It was hell.

I will never forget going to school the day before I was scheduled to have heart surgery.  I was going to be out of school for a few weeks and was gathering up all my books and assignments to do at home in a large paper bag.  "My" bully walked over to me, ripped the bag holding all my books, and told me she hoped I died on the operating table.

Thanks to my family, I never for even a second, thought about taking my own life like some of the kids we hear about today.  My parents fought like hell to get the bullying to stop, with absolutely no support from anyone in the school.  The principal told my parents that I just needed to grow a thicker skin.  They fought tooth and nail, and did anything they could to make my time in that school better.  (They gave me the opportunity to switch schools when I was in 7th grade, and I stupidly refused).  I credit them and the rest of my family with getting me through those 4 years and helping me become the person I am today.

My experience with bullying in the Catholic school system is the sole reason why I will NEVER put Bailey in Catholic school.  For 4 years, both lay teachers and the nuns looked the other way.  For 4 years they knew what was going on.  For 4 years they saw it happening, they met with my parents on a regular basis, and they did nothing.  Telling a 10-year-old that she just needs to grow thicker skin is NOT a solution to a bullying problem. 

I'm terrified of this when it's time for Bailey to go to school.  I hope and pray that she never goes through what I went through for those 4 years.  That period of time shaped the person I am today.  It made me look at the world a little bit differently than I would have had I not been bullied.  It taught me empathy and to always, always treat others the way I would want to be treated.  It did not teach me to "grow a thicker skin", but I did learn a few things about myself along the way.  I learned that I can survive a seemingly insurmountable situation.  I learned that I am a good person.  I learned that, no matter what I go through in life, I will ALWAYS have my family to help me through it and to "weather the storm" with me.

I hope that by the time Bailey is in school something more has been done to stop bullying in schools.  I know it's a difficult thing to deal with, but I also know that it is absolutely possible to bring light to the situation and to work toward putting a stop to it.

My family always jokes around that Bailey won't take crap from anybody.  In a way, I hope she doesn't and I'm so relieved that she'll stick up for herself when she feels she needs to.  But then I think, will the fact that she doesn't take crap from people turn her into a bully?  How do you help your kids find that middle ground, so that they learn to stick up for themselves but NOT to become the bully?  I hope that when the time comes, we're able to teach Bailey the difference.  I hope that she never has to go through what I went through, and I hope that she stays her sweet self and doesn't let peer pressure turn her into someone she's not.

I feel like I missed out on a big chunk of my childhood because of the years I was bullied.  Will I ever forget my "bullied years"?  No.  Do I forgive the person(s) who bullied me and those who took part in the bullying?  Not completely, but to a certain extent.  But I'm grateful, in a way, because that period of time helped me to become the person I am today.  Because of it, I'm a good friend, a good mother, an empathetic person.  I know what values are important to me, and I can pass them along to my own daughter.  I know that bullying DOES happen, and I know the signs to look for to make sure it doesn't happen to Bailey and that, conversely, she isn't the one bullying another child.

When I hear stories on the news of kids killing themselves (bullycide, they call it) it breaks my heart.  To think of how terrible it must be for these kids, that they think that taking their lives is the only solution to the problem should be a serious wake-up call to all of us.  This should not be happening.

Picture Time

We've been busy over here!  Instead of a long post, I thought I'd post a few more pictures of our little darling (I'm using that term very loosely these days).  She and I went to the park the other day and she had a blast!  Now that she's more confident in her walking and climbing abilities, she was ALL OVER the place.  But I got a few cute pictures out of it...enjoy!

My little gangster

She loves the swings...

But was too busy watching all the kids to look at the camera!

On the run

Chasing the dogs...silly girl thought she could catch them!

When the puppy dog eyes didn't work...

...she tried to some real tears.  NOT happy to be going home.

THESE pictures are to illustrate why Scott is not allowed to dress Bailey.  It was a little chilly the other morning and I asked him to grab a sweatshirt to put over her short sleeve pajama top while I changed her diaper.  When he came downstairs with her, she looked like this:

 Lime green polka dotted pajama shorts, a white pajama top, pink slipper boots and a red/multi-colored knit sweater.  Thank God her hair isn't long enough to do much with...I'm afraid to see what he'd do with THAT!

Recap

Well, Scott's birthday didn't go as planned, but was still enjoyable.  He wanted to go to Friday's for dinner instead of staying home, so we packed Bailey up and went there for dinner.  We had a great meal and dessert, and Bailey was really well-behaved for us.  Then we came home, put her to bed, and just had a relaxing night in.  All in all, a good day!

Bailey has added two new words to her repertoire:  "baby" and "light".  It's so cool to see how excited she gets when she points to something and says the word...she's very proud of herself!

Last night, Bailey and I went with Meghan, Madison and my mom to a consignment sale.  I love, love, love the consignment sales!  Most of the clothes there are close to brand new and such great prices!  I got Bailey's Halloween costume there and stocked up on some winter pajamas and a few outfits for fall/winter.  The shoe selection wasn't all that great, but I did get her a pair of black mary jane's for church, and I'm heading back this weekend to scope out the toys and strollers and see what I can find.

I feel like the weeks are just flying by these days and before we know it, it will be Halloween!  It went from pretty hot yesterday to cold today, and it's really starting to feel like Fall.  I absolutely can't wait for that...it's my favorite season and Scott and I are really looking forward to taking Bailey to pumpkin farms and Linvilla Orchards.  Soon enough!

Bananas!

Just a quick post between chasing Bailey around and getting dinner ready!

Bailey made her first REAL word association this afternoon and I'm so proud of her!  I say "real" because she says "daddy" and knows that it means Scott and she says "mom" for me.  But she's never said any other words and shown an understanding of what they mean without being prompted first.  But she did it today!

I started dinner in the kitchen and she followed me in there.  She was playing with Cooper for a bit and then she walked over to the counter, pointed to a bunch of bananas and said, "Nana!  Nana!"  She knew what they were!  I asked her if she wanted a banana and she said, "Peas! (please)".  I'm so proud of her!  She's really starting to grasp language!

Which means that I'll have to start cleaning up my own language...the last thing I need is her walking around the house muttering "shit" because she heard me say it earlier.

On a completely unrelated note, tomorrow is Scott's birthday!  He'll be 29 this year and, even though he'll never admit it, I know he looks forward to his birthday every year...much like a child does.  :-)

He's stuck working all day and he's got football at night, so my plan is to wake up early tomorrow morning and make him breakfast (eggs, toast, fruit and coffee) in bed.  I'll pack him a lunch, then make a nice dinner and a cake for when he comes home.  Yes, you read that right.  I'll be baking a cake...a spice cake, no less!  Check back later in the week to see how it came out!

I'm off now to finish dinner...as soon as I pull Bailey off the table she's figured out how to climb onto.  Speaking of bananas...

Until next time!

Ten Years Later

9.11.01 is a date that will forever be stamped on the hearts and minds of Americans as a day that will live in infamy...the day we were attacked...the day we all stood, united, as one.

I'm watching the live September 11th ceremony on tv right now, and I still can't believe that it's been ten years since the attack.  I can't believe that, after all these years, the emotions are still there and still so strong and so raw.  Someone said a few days ago that, for my generation, this will be like the day JFK was assassinated in that we will all remember exactly where we were and what we were doing when we got the news of the attack.

On September 11, 2001 I was a senior in high school.  I was sitting with my friends in my Journalism class and our teacher had the classroom television on.  We saw the first plane hit the north tower of the World Trade Center and I remember being confused and wondering if this was a movie.  Then the newscasters began speculating that a small aircraft had accidentally flown into the tower.  I remember a few of my classmates making jokes about how stupid the person flying that plane must have been to not have seen a tower so tall.  A few minutes later, when the second plane struck the south tower, things erupted.  Our teacher shushed all of us students and the classroom fell into absolute and deafening silence while the newscasters began reporting what we were seeing.  I kept hearing, "That was no accident, we're under attack!"


A lot of my memory of that day is fuzzy.  I was 17 years old and didn't fully grasp the magnitude and the importance of what was happening at that moment.  I remember leaving school early, calling my boyfriend from the school parking lot to try and figure out what was going on.  I remember being at home with my mom and watching the coverage on tv.  It didn't matter that day what channel you turned on--every station was covering the attack.  I distinctly remember seeing the smoke and the flames coming from the towers.  I can still see the large dark specks falling from the sky and I can hear my mom saying, "Oh my God, those are people...they're JUMPING out the windows."  It was horrifying.  All these years later, the picture of those people jumping is still burned into my brain.


More news was coming in every minute, and we learned that another plane had struck the Pentagon.  That yet another plane had crashed when the passengers  fought their hijackers and refused to allow them to win.  That both the north and the south towers of the World Trade Center had fallen.  In a matter of hours, everything changed for us.  In all, more than 2,900 Americans died that day.


Ten years later, we are still rebuilding at ground zero.  The New York City skyline is completely changed.  We still gather every year to honor those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001.  We now have a new memorial to commemorate the lives lost.


Right now, I'm watching the reading of the names of those people who died that day.  I'm listening to their family members tell short anecdotes and say goodbye yet again.  I hear the sadness in their voices and I see the raw grief on their faces that hasn't faded, even after ten years, and I honestly cannot imagine what it must have been like to lose someone close to me that day.  Fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles...the sheer number of people who were affected that day and every day since is astounding. Hearing some of their stories affects me in a visceral way and I feel their loss and their grief very deeply.


As with all things these days, I wonder how I'll explain this to Bailey when she's old enough to understand and ask questions about it.  I wonder if it will affect her the way it's affected me or if, to her, it will be a somewhat distant part of the past.  Something that happened long before she was born, much like the assassination of JFK for me.  I hope that I can explain it to her in a way that honors the memory of those who fought and died that day.  I hope I'm able to convey the importance of that day to her, that I can talk to her about it without making her fearful or timid.


Ten years ago, our country was devastated.  It seemed an almost impossible feat from which to recover.  Today, ten years later, it's still devastating.  But we're rebuilding.  We continue to honor those who perished that day.  We continue to wave our flags and to feel pride in our country.  And we'll continue to do this for as long as it takes.

"Now, we have inscribed a new memory alongside those others.  It's a memory of tragedy and shock, of loss and mourning.  It's also a memory of bravery and self-sacrifice, and the love that lays down its life for a friend--even a friend whose name it never knew."                             

   -- President George W. Bush, December 11, 2001
                           

No, no, no...NO

It's been a noisy few days over here, thanks to Miss Bailey.  She's learning new words and sounds, and Scott and I are treated to a "show" every day.  Her new favorite word is "No" (surprise, surprise) complete with a waving of her hand.  Since mastering the art of the word "no", she's used it way more often then we'd like.  Our normal conversations lately go a little something like this:

Me:  "Let's change your diaper."
Bailey:  "Nooooo"

Me:  "Bailey, do you want your juice or your milk?"
Bailey: "Nooo"

Me:  "Bath time!"
Bailey:  "No, no!  Bye!"  (At this point, she does her damndest to run away from us)

I'm still reeling over how quickly she figured out what "no" means and how often (and how well) she uses it.  A few days ago, she and I were in the bookstore and an older woman walked by us.  Bailey yells out "Hiii!" and the woman turned around and said, "Well, hi!  Aren't you the sweetest thing...I bet you're an angel for your mommy, huh?"  Bailey promptly replied with "No, no, no!"  The woman laughed, but if she only knew just how accurate my little chatterbox was...

She's also learning to say "All done".  When she's finished eating, playing, taking a bath, drinking her milk/juice, etc. she'll put her hand up in the air and say "Nyuuuhhn!"  ("Done!")  It's the cutest thing...and she knows exactly what it means and when she's "all done".

Her other favorite word these days is "daddy"  (da-eee).  We're expecting to feel the effects of Hurricane Irene here in the next few days and Scott was outside re-caulking and securing a tarp around the doors to the basement.  Bailey walked over to the door, put her hands on it and called, "Daddy!"  She and Scott went back and forth ("Daddy!"  "Bailey!") for a good 10 minutes before I dragged her away from the door to get a bath.

Sadly, she still only says "Mama" when she's angry or when she wants something.  She'll come around, though...I hope!

Since I haven't posted a new picture n awhile, I'll take this opportunity to do just that right now.  Enjoy!

Hard at work on her puzzle

"Just updating my Facebook status!"

Yes, she's laying in a basket full of toys

"Wait...I'm NOT allowed to play with an entire roll of tin foil?"

"All done!"

Oh, Darling, Don't You Ever Grow Up

There's a line in this song by Taylor Swift that goes:

"Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up

don't you ever grow up

just stay this little"

For the last few days I have not been able to get this song out of my head, and it just seems so apt at the moment. I've been keeping in touch with some of the parents whose kids I taught in the toddler and preschool rooms at Play and Learn, and those kids are now going off to Kindergarten.  I first met them as babies, and had the pleasure of watching them all grow into these amazing little people...and now they're "big kids" heading off to school.  Some of the moms have been talking on Facebook, asking each other whose son or daughter has what teacher for Kindergarten, and which kids are taking the bus to school.  I was reading one of the comments and I realized that in just a few short years that will be me sending Bailey off to school for the first time.  I thought about it for a second and then I got this panicky feeling...not my baby!

A year and a half ago, I would have rolled my eyes at any mother who was upset about sending her little one off to school for the first time.  Hell, I did it with some of the "newbie" moms who sent their kids to me for preschool and worried all day because it was their kid's first time away from mommy.  I used to think that these women were crazy for worrying and that their kids were totally fine without them all day.  I used to just shake my head and wonder why in the world they thought that their kid, when surrounded by toys and puzzles and playdoh and playground equipment fit for a king, could be anything but THRILLED.  Spending my days with the kids, I just couldn't understand why these mothers were so worried about their little ones having a good time at school/daycare.  And then I became a mother myself, and everything came clear.  It was, for lack of a better term, my slap in the face.

I realized that these moms weren't worried about their precious children having a good time at school.  They weren't worried about their children being "okay" and getting through the day without mommy.  They were, in fact, worried about how they themselves would get through the day without their child.  It's suddenly, glaringly clear that I'm going to have this same problem in a few years.  And I don't know how to fix it.

See, from the day Bailey was born, it has always been her and me.  Anywhere I went, she went and I genuinely liked it that way.  I quit my job and opened my daycare so that I could stay at home with her.  If I have to run to the store or to the mall, I take her with me.  When I have a doctor's appointment, she comes along.  If I've got a hankering for my Caramel Macchiatto, she comes along to Starbucks with me.  I spend, literally, every single minute of the day with her...and I love it.

When she was first born, she wasn't the easiest baby.  She used to have these screaming fits and we never knew what would bring them on or how to calm her down.  By trial and error, we found a way to calm her but she was still having the screaming fits regularly.  She was like a ticking time bomb and we never knew when one would start.  Back then, she depended on me for everything.  For food, for clothing, for comfort...everything.  It was my job to teach her to roll over, to sit up, to crawl, to walk.  I got up with her in the middle of the night and took her to every single doctor's appointment.  I held her hand when she got a shot, and I snuggled up and comforted her when she was sick or teething.   It was my job to BE THERE for her, and I happily did it all for her. (Disclaimer: Scott also helped and I can't negate that fact, but let's face it, moms always end up doing just a little bit more for their kids in the very beginning).  I also suffered through postpartum depression, which put a haze over how I saw things at that time.  I used to cry every day...over everything.  Whether it be the 3rd dirty diaper in an hour or seeing Bailey's very first smile, EVERY SINGLE THING, when it came to her, made me cry.  She became my whole life.  It was, and still is, difficult for me to leave her for any period of time.  She's my favorite person and I'm her mother, and there really is nothing like that bond.  But I'm slowly coming to the realization that now I need HER more than she needs me.  Much more.

Now that she's walking, Bailey doesn't want to sit still long enough to cuddle anymore.  She wants to feed herself and do her own thing in the bath tub.  She can now choose what she wants to do and where she wants to go (within reason) instead of me choosing for her or just picking her up and moving her where I wanted to.  When I pick her up for a quick hug or snuggle, she lets me for just a minute.  But then it's back to wriggling to be put down and she's off to her next activity.  I'm still the first person she comes to if she's hurt or sad about something.  But now I'm seeing that she's comfortable with a lot of other people, too, and she doesn't need me to "ease" her through a situation.  She's a social butterfly with a strong personality and she doesn't need her mommy to hold her hand through ALL parts of her daily life anymore.

I, on the other hand, am somewhat of a mess about it.  To put it quite honestly, she defines me and I have a hard time separating myself from her.  I'm "Bailey's mom".   My day revolves around her...her needs, her wants.  Some may say that this is unhealthy, and I might agree...to a degree.  When I look back on this period of time, I'll NEVER regret spending this time with her or devoting myself to making her day as happy and as enjoyable as I can.  She's happy, she's healthy and she's well-adjusted.  She learns something new every day and she never fails to make Scott and I smile.  She's got his personality, and will say hi to anyone and everyone she encounters, be it another kid at the park or a random stranger in the grocery store.  She's outgoing and friendly (most of the time), and I have no doubt that when the time comes, she'll skip happily through the doors of her school and not give a second thought to what mommy is doing at home.

I just don't know what *I* will do when the time comes to send her off.  I always read about "weaning" your baby...weaning from the bottle, weaning from the pacifier or the thumb.  But how does a mother "wean" herself from her child?  She'll be totally fine when it's time to spend the day away from me...but I'm not so sure that I'll be as fine!

For those of you interested, the song I referenced was called "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift, and it's beautiful.  The lyrics can be found here:

Never Grow Up Lyrics - Taylor Swift @ eLyrics.net

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too
And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even through to you want to
Please try to never grow up

Don't you ever grow up
(Never grow up)
Just never grow up

Walking Feet

It's been another few weeks since I last posted.  It's been hectic and busy over here and, to be perfectly honest, I just haven't been much in the mood to sit down and devote some time to writing here.  Not that I'd actually GET some free time to do that with miss Bailey walking all over the place...but I apologize all the same.

Did any of you notice how I strategically placed the fact that BAILEY IS WALKING in there?  She's doing it!  She took her first steps just before we left for vacation in the middle of July.  It was slow-going from there, a step here and a step there, but nothing really major.  But then, on a Sunday (July 31st, to be precise) she took off, and walked a whopping 14 steps in a row at her grandparents' house.  Since then, she hasn't looked back and is now mastering the art of walking.  She's not quite a pro yet--there's still lots of falling down, but she gets right back up and continues on like nothing ever happened, and I'm SO proud of her for it!  She's able to pick herself back up when she falls (without any assistance) and she's walking longer and longer distances without losing her balance.  If you'd like to watch a video of my sweetie walking, feel free to check out the video on my Facebook page!  If we're not "facebook friends" and you can't view the video because of this, let me know or send me a friend request...the more the merrier, right?  You can view the video here.  Enjoy!

With her new-found skill comes independence, and with independence comes a propensity to get herself into trouble.  She's discovering that she can use her legs to climb-- not only up the stairs, but on things that she just shouldn't be climbing on...like her toy box, the book shelf and, most recently, our railing.  She's talking more, too, which means that in addition to the usual "hi" and "bye" she can (and does) tell me "No" when I tell her not to do something.  The video of her climbing and practicing her new vocabulary "Nooo!" can be found here.  In her defense, it's pretty damn cute to hear her talk.  At the end of the video she blows kisses and waves bye-bye.  She seems really sweet and innocent until I stop filming her; then she's back to climbing and telling me "no" all over again.  I love the toddler stage (so far), but parenthood is definitely not for sissies!

When Bailey Feeds Herself...

...SHE MAKES A MESS!!!

At dinner the other night, Scott and I figured we'd give Bailey a shot at feeding herself.  She loves playing with her spoons, and she's started to get frustrated with me spoon-feeding her and only wants to eat finger foods that she can pick up herself.  So we figured, why not?  After she finished her dinner we gave her a spoon and a container of yogurt and let her go to town.  She started off really well.  Grabbed the spoon, dipped it into the yogurt and put it right in her mouth!  The spoon was upside down so she had some maneuvering to do, but she ate better than we expected her to.  After a few minutes, though, she realized that she could get MORE yogurt into her mouth WAY faster is she just dipped her hands in the container.   So off she went.  And here are the results of her labor.  I'm not sure I've ever seen such a messy, messy child.  But she had fun...and she's learning!

Great attempt at using the spoon all by herself!

Absolutely covered in food

There was no question about her needing a bath after this!