I've been feeling "down" the last few days and am having a hard time shaking it. I woke up Monday morning and, like always, went downstairs and turned on the news. The top story was the murder of a 9-year-old little girl just a few towns away from ours. The newscaster went into detail about her murder, telling us that it was evident that she struggled, that she was assaulted, that her body had been found near a dumpster in the apartment building in which she and her parents lived. She had gone outside to play and never came home.
Today when I turned on the news, it was still a top story. It was reiterated that she had been sexually assaulted and strangled. A 25-year-old man who lives in her apartment building has been arrested for her murder. It's alleged that he strangled her with his bare hands. When asked why he had killed the little girl, the man replied that he "snapped" and had something "like a whiteout". They showed the girl's picture on the news and my heart broke looking at her. She was beautiful and looked like such a happy little girl. In her eyes you could see all the innocence and happiness of childhood and the promise of the future. I can't imagine what her parents must be going through.
It sickens me that I'm raising a daughter in this world. I'm disgusted that a child can't even go outside to play without the worry that he or she might never come home. I keep my doors locked during the day because you never know what could happen. I watch Bailey and all of the other little ones playing, and I see the neighborhood kids outside and it makes me wonder, At what point in their childhood do we sit them down and shatter their illusion of what the world has to offer?
How do you even go about having that conversation with a child? Right now Bailey is much too young to be left alone to play anyway. But she'll smile at most anyone who looks her way, and she doesn't seem to show fear when someone she doesn't know talks to her or wants to hold her. She's growing up and moving closer and closer to independence every day. How do I tell her that the world is a scary place and strangers are not your friends? I don't want to be the one who makes her see the world as someplace to tiptoe through cautiously, always looking over her shoulder...but I also don't want her to go through life thinking that every place and everyone is safe. As a parent, how do you reach that balance between letting your child "spread her wings" and keeping her close and safe? How do you do it without creating a fearful and timid child?
It's disturbing that we even have to have these kinds of conversations with our children. What ever happened to spending hours and hours playing outside without a care in the world, like we did when I was a little girl? To exploring the neighborhood with our friends until Mom called us in for dinner? To being allowed to run and play outside until it got dark? What happened to the security that we used to have? To the faith that we could go outside and just be kids for awhile, then come home...without fear of the dark or strangers lurking in the shadows? I'm so, so sad that my Bailey will never grow up in a world like that, and that I will have to constantly remind her about safety. My child will grow up in a world where murder is prevalent, violence is the norm, and safety is an almost non-entity...I feel equal parts disgust, fear and sadness for that.
I can't shake the picture of little Skyler Kauffman from my mind. Her happy face and smiling eyes are haunting, and I'm just sick for her family. I absolutely could not (and dare not) imagine something like that happening to Bailey. Makes me want to curl up in a ball with my arms around her until she's an adult and able to take care of herself out in the world. Although, she'll always be my baby and I'll always worry about her, no matter how old she gets.
I hope that when the time comes Scott and I can teach her about the dangers out there, while also teaching her about the beauty and the good things to be found every day. We have some time, luckily, to figure out just how to do that...to balance out her sense of wonder at the world with a sense of caution.
Until then, we'll continue to help Bailey to explore the world around her. We'll share in her delight when she discovers something new. And we'll send up a quick prayer of thanks every evening that we tuck her safely into bed.
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