All New Mommy Fears

I'm taking a minute to post about my doctor's appointment today and the whole new fear I have as a mom.

As many of you know, in addition to my cardiac issues, I have skin problems as well.  Specifically, dysplastic nevi syndrome.  In layman's terms, this means that I get moles on my body that start off normal, but eventually turn precancerous and need to be removed and biopsied.  I was 7 when my mom found the first mole.  Since then, I've had them removed and biopsied from my neck, finger, belly and back.  In all, I've had close to thirty removed; as one "kind" doctor put it, my back looks like a set of train tracks because of all the scars.

I'm supposed to go to the dermatologist yearly to have a "mole check" to make sure that I don't have any new moles and that the ones that I do have haven't changed in the course of the year.  I, however, am "lazy" when it comes to my health and I've put off the appointment since I had my last few moles removed...three years ago.  Let me rewind to 13 months ago, when I noticed a "suspicious" mole.  Again, I don't normally pay much attention to my health.  But I was 5 months pregnant and thought that my growing belly was absolutely wondrous, and would stare at it often as it got bigger and bigger.  I was getting in the shower one day in my fifth month when I noticed a new mole.  All the trademark signs were there:  it was big, assymetrical, more than one color, and I was almost positive that it needed to come off.  No way was I going to let someone cut into my stomach while I was pregnant, though, so I ignored it and avoided looking in that spot for the next few months. Once Bailey was born it was even easier to forget about the mole.  Between the sheer exhaustion of having a newborn at home and my own disgust at the stretch marks I now "proudly" sported, I never looked at my belly.

Fast forward to this week.  My friend Emily mentioned that she had a dermatologist appointment and I casually mentioned that I had a mole I thought I needed to be removed.  She got me a card from her office and kindly told me I better "get my ass to the doctor".  So I made an appointment for today.

I went in to the office pretty certain that the doc was going to tell me I needed to have that mole biopsied.  I wasn't prepared for her to tell me that there are two more in addition to that one that also need to be removed and biopsied (making three total).  After these three are removed and biopsied, my legs will be the only place on my body without a scar.  Sadly, that's not an exaggeration.

When the dermatologist asked me if I had any questions, the only one that came to mind was Will Bailey need to worry about this "syndrome" too?  The answer?  When she's a teenager, she'll need to start being seen yearly and having anything out of the ordinary documented and biopsied if need be.  Before she was born, I'd asked my cardiologist what the chances were of her having to deal with any of the cardiac issues I have.  I was told that we'd know pretty well around the time she's 9-years-old since that was when my issues presented themselves, but that IF it were to be "passed down", so to speak, it could present at any time.  Scott and I spent a good part of my pregnancy thinking, talking and debating this news and came to the conclusion that we'll take care of her however we have to if and when something like that occurs.  Ideally, she won't have any of the cardiac problems I have.  But I spent the rest of my pregnancy and all the months since feeling guilty that I could pass something like that  to her and hadn't even considered it when I got pregnant.

Now, hearing that she could possibly end up having to deal with the mole issues as well is heartbreaking, and I feel so, so guilty.  I may be lax when it comes to my health, but I would never be anything but completely cautious when it comes to Baileys.  Right now, she's sleeping next to me.  I'm looking at her and I can't imagine her sweet little body with scars like mine on it.  I hope that all the health issues completely bypass her.  And will be keeping a vigilant eye out from now on.

I made an appointment with my plastic surgeon to have the biopsies done in a few weeks.  Then it's wait and see what the results are.  I'm crossing my fingers that it's a simple procedure this time and that he can get all the cells without having to go back in.  But, given my history and the look on the dermatologists face when she saw the mole, I don't think it's going to be that easy.  Still keeping my fingers crossed, though.

On a more positive note...Bailey slept through the night again last night!  We're going on almost a week with absolutely NO middle-of-the-night wakings.  This morning I woke up and checked the baby monitor like I always do...and Bailey was already awake!  She wasn't fussing, wasn't yelling.  Just laying there with her arms in the air, waving her lovey around and playing with her blanket.  I couldn't believe it, and she had the biggest, happiest smile on her face when I went in to get her.  What a fantastic way to start our day!