More Confessions

Last night, I got a text from my friend Lauren, who has 2 kids the same age as Bailey and Gerry.  We both ended up commiserating about the fact that we're having a bit of a rough time with a toddler prone to tantrums and an infant that's not sleeping very well, working, and trying to keep the house from becoming a hazardous wasteland.  This, for some reason, got me thinking about my last confession post and I realized that I may have some more confessing to do.

A couple months ago, a friend of mine asked me my honest opinion on having kids and said that, from what I write, I seem very content and happy.  I really, really am.  But there are always moments when I sit back and think to myself, what the hell have I gotten myself into?  Last night was one of them...between Bailey, who seems to think she can have a mini meltdown when she doesn't get her way, and Gerry, who thinks it's just awesome to stay up all freakin' night, I started to wonder what people would think if they spent a normal day with us.  Which led me to thinking about my little "mom confessions".  Maybe some of you can commiserate...

.....this morning I told Gerry that he sucked.  He was up four times last night between the hours of 11pm and 5am...four times!  I was changing his diaper a little after 5 and he was looking at me with this big grin on his face like he knew that he'd won and I smiled back at him and said in a sing-songy voice, "I love you, little man, but you suck."  It felt kind of good.

.....I need to do a better job of "watching my language".  Bailey has picked up quite a few choice phrases from me, her favorite being "damn".  She uses it with surprising accuracy in conversation..."Mom, can you fix this damn thing?"  I consider myself lucky she hasn't dropped a few well-placed F-bombs into any conversations but, really, I need to watch what I say.  Scott has done a surprisingly good job of not using any questionable language within earshot of Bailey.  I, on the other hand, need some practice.

.....I bought Scott a Kindle Fire for Christmas and Bailey has used it 1000 times more than he has.  And I'm okay with that, because it gives me a much-need break sometimes.  She knows how to turn it on, go to Netflix, and put on one of her shows (she's been obsessed with My Little Pony these days) and she'll happily hang out in her room for an hour watching "the little tv".

.....I'm starting bad habits with Gerry.  I cannot...cannot...get this kid to sleep in his crib.  I've tried to put him in there for naps every day but he wakes up after about 20 minutes and then never goes back to sleep.  Thank God he's never truly fussy and is happy to lay there and play with his hands for a few minutes before deciding that he doesn't want to be in there anymore, but come on.  20 Minutes?  I haven't even bothered to try putting him in there at night.  He's still in the cradle in our room.  Actually...more often than not, he spends the majority of the night in our bed.  The second he wakes up in the middle of the night, it's game over.  He's awake and ready to party and God help us if we don't want to party with him.  Even after we've fed him and changed him, 9 times out of 10, he refuses to go back to sleep unless he's in bed with us. 

.....the other day I accidentally fell asleep when Bailey was (supposed to be) napping.  I was exhausted from getting very little sleep the night before and I passed out for a good 45 minutes.  I woke up and went to check on her in her bedroom...she wasn't there.  I found her in the bathroom standing on top of the toilet, with no pants on, her face covered in a little bit of every single jar and tube of makeup I own, smearing toothpaste on the window.  She turned around and saw me staring at her like this

 

 and she goes, "Uh, mommy?  You go back to nap?"  It could have been worse...but I should have known better.

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I'm sure I have a million and one other confessions, but both kids are up and raring to go right now, so those will have to wait for another time.  What are some of your confessions?

Playing Catch Up...Again

Last week the power cord to Scott's my laptop came to a sad and untimely death, complete with sparks and a foul smell.  So I've been without the laptop for almost 10 days now.  I could have easily updated the blog on my phone or kindle, but it's just much easier to do it on the computer.  So I hadn't written anything in awhile.  Not that much has happened, but still.

Shall I catch up with a bulleted list?  In the words of my niece, I don't see why not!

• Gerry had a crappy night's sleep last night.  And the night before.  Which means that Scott and I had a crappy night's sleep.  We'd been the lucky the last 3 nights or so; he'd been sleeping about 6-8 hours solid.  Then last night I put him to bed just before 9.  He woke up at 1am.  And again at 2:15.  And again at 3.  And again at about 4:05.  And again just before 5.  It was like having a freakin' newborn all over again.  He sucked down 4oz every time he woke up, too, so it's not even like I could say he was just up to be up.  Poor boy was hungry!  "They" say that when a baby is going through a crappy sleep phase it means that he/she is mastering a new skill (ie; rolling, sitting up, etc.).  Well, I don't know what skill Gerry's working on, but it better be a doozy because I am not one for the zombie life. 
• I have another appointment with the neurosurgeon next month.  I saw his nurse practitioner a few weeks ago and she ordered new x-rays and a new MRI, and then we'll schedule the surgery at my appointment in May.  I'm sort of, kind of, dreading it...and I'm definitely not looking forward to the recovery.  She says it shouldn't be too bad at all, but I know there won't be much "recovering" going on with two kids and a home daycare.  I am, however, very excited to possibly finally be pain-free...for the first time in about ten years!
• Today is "Take your child to work" day.  Scott has a day full of meetings and won''t be teaching any classes, so he's taking Bailey in tomorrow morning instead.  Tonight when I was putting her to bed I reminded her that she was going to wake up early and go to work with daddy in the morning.  She got all excited, then gasped and said, "What am I gonna wear?!"  She ended up wearing the Hawaiian dress that Aunt Susan got her (she will wear this damn dress every day unless we sneak it into the laundry when she's not looking).
• I've decided that I need to get Gerry used to napping in his crib instead of in the swing.  Which is going to suck.  He takes GREAT naps in the swing...I'm talking a good 2-3 hours at a time.  But he can't sleep in there forever.  Yesterday, I napped him in his crib for the first time ever...big fat fail.  He didn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time and every little noise woke him up.  He was exhausted by bedtime, and still didn't sleep well overnight.  Still super happy, though, as always!

Love his smile...and those chubby legs!

Enjoying some time in the exersaucer

Modeling for the camera

Siblings <3

I keep chuckling at Scott's photobomb here  ;-)

Miss Independent

Bailey is becoming more and more independent, much to my chagrin.  She wants to do everything herself, .  whether it be getting dressed or brushing her teeth, opening doors or buckling herself in her car seat.  She doesn't need (an, more importantly, she doesn't want) any help at all.  And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

On the one hand, I'm insanely proud of how independent and self-sufficient she is at not-even-3-years-old.  She gets herself dressed and undressed without any help, and I never have to worry about her when it comes to maneuvering the stairs.  She's figured out how to buckle her car seat and she's able to lock and unlock most doors.  She's able to drink out of regular cups, and 9 times out of 10 she can pour things from one cup into another without spilling.  When she wants something she can't reach, she figures out a way to get it.  More often than not, unfortunately, this involves moving various pieces of furniture until she's able to climb to reach whatever it is she wants.  I know that, being her mother, I'm biased when it comes to things like this, but I really think that she's a bit ahead of most kids her age when it comes to these kinds of tasks.  I cannot believe how much she's already capable of doing on her own.

But, on the other hand, this newly discovered independence makes me so, so sad.  Tonight, I tried to help her get her pajamas on and she insisted on doing it all by herself.  When she got stuck trying to fit her head through an armhole, I was only allowed to sit on the couch and verbally talk her through it...she wouldn't let me touch her clothes or do it for her.  She took it upon herself to drag a chair over, take the fish food off the counter, and feed her fish...all without any help from me.  When she wants to go outside, she puts her shoes on...without my help.

And, just like that, she doesn't need me anymore.

Overnight, she became this whole other person.  Completely separate from me.  With her own abilities and strengths.  I feel like she becomes a little bit more grown up every day.  Don't get me wrong - I'm happy that she's able to navigate throughout the day with little help.  It gives me comfort to know that, if need be, she could do all these things for herself.  But there's a part of me...a GIANT part of me...that is sitting here and mourning the loss of the baby who was so dependent on me for so long.  I blinked, and she went from this teeny tiny little infant who needed me to do everything from feeding her to clothing her to bathing her and everything in between to a little girl who really doesn't need her mommy all that much.  A little girl who knows what she wants, who can decide things for herself, and who doesn't need help with very many things anymore.

I'm in awe of her and proud of her, and I absolutely adore the young girl that she's becoming.  I love that I'm the first person she comes running to when she learns to complete a new skill.  But I'll miss the days when she needed me.  I'll miss the days when I was her whole world.  The same part of me that cheers her independence today is mourning the fact that she needed me just a little bit more yesterday.  She's growing up before my eyes and, while I can't wait to see the person she becomes, I wish that I could slow down time just a little bit.

Stranger Danger

Every time I think I've come to "the hardest part" when it comes to parenting, life (and Bailey) throws something else at me that makes everything else seem like peanuts when compared.

I need to teach her about stranger danger.

Since she was teeny, Bailey has had a pretty outgoing personality.  She's not shy when it comes to sharing her feelings or playing with other kids, and it's just one of the many things that I love about her.  I don't want to stifle that part of her personality, but at the same time, I don't want her to feel quite so comfortable when it comes to talking to strangers, whether they be kids or adults.

I took her with me to Target the other day and made the mistake of letting her walk beside the cart instead of sitting inside of it.  Normally, she's pretty good about sticking close to me in a crowd, but she's been seriously testing her boundaries lately.  I turned my back for ONE SECOND to pick up a bottle of shampoo and she took off.  I started following her, but she knows at this point that I can't run because of my back, and she used that to her advantage.  I hustled along with my cart, trying not to make it obvious to other shoppers that I had a runner on my hands.  The closer I got to her, the faster she ran, until I almost lost her in a crowd at the end of an aisle.  I finally gave up, yelled her name, and told her to get back here now.  She knew I meant business then, and came back to the cart.  I didn't give her the option to walk anymore, and made her sit in the cart (crying, I might add) while I finished my shopping.  She was angry, I was angry, and we were both disappointed with how our shopping trip ended up (I promised to buy her nail polish while we were out, then made her put it back when she ran away).

Similar scene while at Rita's last night.  She kept inching away from me while I was ordering our water ice.  Telling her to come back was useless, and I ended up leaving my wallet sitting at the window and chasing her down before she ran into the parking lot.

I sat her down that night and tried to explain to her why she absolutely cannot run away from me when we're out in public.  I talked to her about strangers, and told her that if she runs away a stranger could take her and then I'd never see her again, and daddy and I would be so sad.  I don't know how much she got out of it, but she keeps mentioning "strangers" and "never see mommy again". 

I keep wondering if I went about this the wrong way.

Is there a "right" way to explain something like this to a toddler?  She's not even 3 yet, and I feel like there's SO MUCH that I need to shield her and protect her from.  How do I do that without making her afraid of everything?  I don't want her to lose her exuberance or her outgoing nature, and I don't want to make her a less-friendly person...but I also want her to know that not everyone is a friend and that there are some people in this world who can't be trusted.  How do I do that without taking away some of her wonder of the world around her?

Strange as it sounds, I feel like I'm taking away some of her innocence.  Does that make sense?  I feel like a little part of her childhood, the best part of her "kid-ness", has to die in order for her to learn this lesson.  And I hate that. 

So tell me, parents, how can I teach her about stranger danger without making her fearful of everything?

Gerry: 3 Months Old

Gerry is 3 months old today!  My, how time flies...

His latest trick now is that he's rolling over.  Not consistently, and I'm kind of inclined to think that 90% of the time it's completely unintentional and just the weight of his head rolling him over, but he's doing it nonetheless.  He gets this surprised look on his face every time, too, like How did I get here?

He's becoming quite a little chatterbox, making all kinds of sounds.  Sometimes he experiments with longer sounds, louder sounds...watching his teeny little lips open and close and twist to get his noises out cracks me up.  And it totaly makes his day when you acknowledge him and "answer" him back.  Then he's all smiles and chatting.

Speaking of smiles...he's doing that sooooo often these days!  He's been a chill baby from day one, but he's so HAPPY these days, too.  Smiling every chance he gets and anytime someone comes into his field of vision.  When he wakes up in the morning he usually starts off by grunting or fussing a little bit, looking for food.  But as soon as he sees me he gets this giant smile on his face and starts cooing at me, and it's the most fantastic way to start my day.  I remember when Bailey was an infant and used to do the same thing...I'll never get tired of it, and will treasure every single smile.

He's been sleeping pretty well.  Still in our bedroom, though we'll start transitioning him to the crib in his bedroom in the next month or two.  Technically, he's sleeping through the night according to most "practices", which consider 5 consecutive hours of sleep "sleeping through the night".  More often than not, we get a solid 6-7 hours straight out of him.  He wakes up once for a bottle, and then goes right back to sleep for a few more hours before getting up for the day.

I just adore him.  It's funny how, before they're born, you can't imagine what it'll be like having a baby.  But then, once they're here, you can't imagine your life without them.  These last 3 months with Gerry have been just wonderful, and we all love him to pieces.

Want to see some pictures from the last few weeks?  You do?  Okay...without further ado...

Always with the fingers in his mouth

Tummy Time!

Love the moustache bink

Easter Sunday  :-)

Bailey wanted to visit the Easter Bunny

Easter Sunday...Bailey was NOT feeling this picture

Love these two

Oh, the Pain!

Most of you know that I have a herniated disc in my back.  It's been that way for years and years, and I'll go through periods of time where it doesn't bother me at all.  Then there are times when it hurts so bad that I have to alternate ice and heat, and walk very carefully because I never know when the pain is going to hit.

Throughout both of my pregnancies, the herniated disc NEVER caused a problem.  Not once.  It was like, as soon as I found out I was pregnant the pain just went away.  Unfortunately, though, it always comes back after.  This past Monday it had started to get uncomfortable again.  Not painful, per se, but uncomfortable in that when I bent a certain way I could feel discomfort.  I didn't think much of it and just went about business as usual.  That night, we went to my mom and dad's house so Bailey could tell them all about going on the potty.  When we got home that night, Bailey was acting like a jerk and refused to come in the house.  We tried cajoling her, talking sternly to her, and pretending we were just going to leave her outside (which didn't work because she just called our bluff and was like, that's fine...I like it out here).  When nothing else worked, I walked back to where she was standing next to the car and picked her up, intending to just carry her in the house.

The next thing I know, my back just exploded in pain and I was on my hands and knees on the ground.

I'd managed to not-so-gracefully put Bailey down before I fell, thankfully, and I remember her standing there going, "You okay, mommy?  You okay?"  We were both crying at that point, her because she thought she was in trouble and me because I was in so much damn pain.  Scott was halfway to the house with Gerry and turned around and came running back when I fell.  He tried to help me up but I literally could not move.  I was in so much pain I couldn't catch my breath and I just told Scott to get the kids in the house and come back for me.  Poor Bailey was freaking out at this point and Gerry was starting to fuss in his car seat, so Scott hustled them both inside the house while I pretty much laid there on the ground...did I mention it was cold and raining? 

After what felt like forever, Scott came back out for me and tried to lift me onto my feet.  I couldn't move.  The slightest little movement sent shock waves of pain spasming from my back all the way to my toes, and I couldn't hold myself up.  Scott pretty much had to half drag and half carry me into the house.  He called my mom to come and sit with Bailey and Gerry while we went to the ER.

Long story short, the ER was no help.  They gave me a percocet, which didn't come close to touching the pain, and told me to take Motrin and call my doctor in the morning.  So Scott half dragged and half carried me back home.  The next morning, I couldn't get out of bed.  Every tiny little movement caused such severe pain that it brought tears to my eyes and made me nauseous.  It took me 45 minutes just to sit up with my feet hanging over the side of the bed.  I spent that time crying, cursing, and gasping in pain before Scott finally put his foot down and told me I wasn't getting out of bed that day.  He helped me back into bed (another half hour) and went downstairs to open the door for daycare.  Then spent the rest of the day taking care of all the kids while running upstairs to check on me and bring me medicine.  I couldn't move without help, and at times the pain was just unbearable. Poor Scott spent his Spring Break running the daycare and helping me "recover". 

Thursday was the first day I was able to walk without needing someone to hold me up.  I got around by leaning on walls and furniture as I passed.  I went to the doctor to see what my options were and to (hopefully) get some relief from the pain.  I had done 8 weeks of physical therapy plus epidural steroid injections before I got pregnant with Gerry and neither had helped.  And now I was losing strength in my right leg, so my only option at this point is surgery.  My doctor sent me home with the number for a surgeon and a cocktail of steroids, percocet and muscle relaxers to get me through the next couple weeks. 

It's now Friday, and I'm able to shuffle around on my own as long as I walk hunched over.  I can't pick anything up yet and sometimes when I move it sends pain shooting through my back and down my leg.  But I'm moving around without needing help and I'm happy about that. I don't know what I'm going to do when Scott goes back to work next week, but I'm hoping that I'll be alright by then.  Every day it gets a little bit better.  Crossing my fingers!

That Was WAY Too Easy

BAILEY IS OFFICIALLY POTTY TRAINED!!!

Ahhhh, that feels good to say.  And I can't believe how easy it was.  We started Saturday afternoon and by Monday she pretty much had it down pat. I think the best thing we could have done was to wait until we did to train her.  She was 100% ready and it was pain-free for all of us.  Here's how we did it:

We took her out Saturday afternoon and made a big deal about letting her pick out her own underwear, a new potty just for her, and special candy that she could have when she went potty.  I mentioned in my previous post that she did wonderfully Saturday afternoon, and even went potty all by herself.  By Sunday, though, we were back to square one and I felt like there was no hope.  She didn't make it to the potty once on Sunday.  At times, I thought that she wasn't even trying.  But we stuck with it, and made her help us clean up any mess she made when she peed on the floor.  Same thing with changing out of her wet clothes and into clean, dry ones.  We helped her if she needed it, of course, but she did the majority of the cleaning up herself. 

Monday morning, she woke up dry but had another accident and I thought, here we go again.  But she surprised us all by going the entire day without a single accident...and she hasn't looked back.  It's now Friday and she hasn't had an accident since Monday morning.  She's able to go potty all by herself (pulling her pants and underwear down and then up when she's all done) and LOVES that her potty cheers for her when she goes.  During the day we keep her potty on the landing to go upstairs.  For naps and bedtime, we move the potty into her bedroom so that she can use it as she needs to.  When she pees in the potty she gets 2 Hershey kisses.  When she poops, she gets 3. 

I'm still a teeny bit hesitant for naps and bedtime, though, so we always put a pull-up on OVER her underwear when she goes to sleep.  Pull-ups give her a rash, so she can't wear them in place of underwear, but putting one on over top of them lets her feel if/when she has an accident and also keeps the mess we have to clean to a minimum.  I'm proud to say that we probably don't need to use the pull-ups since she's staying dry through the night.  But it's nice to have them, just in case. 

Scott and I are so proud of Bailey, and we still can't believe how easy the whole potty training process turned out to be.  Like I said, I think a huge factor in it being so easy was the fact that we didn't push her and we waited until she was good and ready.  She'll be 3 in June, so this was a perfect time for all of us.  She's done great!!

In the Trenches...Day 3

Potty training just might be the death of me.

Not really...but maybe.  It's been rough over here, folks.  We started hardcore on Saturday afternoon.  Put Bailey's very last diaper on her that morning (we were heading to an Easter egg hunt) and then really talked it up about how cool it was going to be to use the potty and what a big girl she'd be and how she could pick out her very own potty and whatever underwear she wanted (she calls them panties...I feel like a pedophile whenever I do, so I'm working on getting her to call them underwear or underpants).

She was all gung-ho Day One.  We went to Target that afternoon and let her pick out a potty (a pink princess one that plays music when you "go" in it), underwear (Mickey Mouse...boys'), and a special potty treat that she can have ONLY when she uses the potty (Hershey Kisses).  We got home and put her in underwear around 3pm, fully expecting to have a million and one accidents before bed that night.  Bailey had a blast sitting on her potty and sat for a good 15 minutes with a cup of juice and a salty snack.  I was in the next room taking tags off clothes to be washed and in comes Bailey.

"Mommy, I go potty!"

And I'm thinking, the hell you did, little lady.  But I follow her into the living room anyway, expecting to humor her a bit and then explain to her the difference between just sitting on the potty and actually using it.  I look down into the seat and, lo and behold, she'd peed!  Without any help at all, Bailey had pulled her underwear down, used the potty, then pulled them back up.  We were so excited that we had her call pretty much everyone in the family to let them know she peed on the potty.

Friends of ours invited us to the mall Play Place that night and we decided to go.  My mom had bought Bailey a portable Dora the Explorer potty seat about a year ago (talk about wishful thinking!), so I packed that and a bunch of extra clothes and underwear, just in case.  We kept her in underwear, but put a pull-up on over them.  This way she could feel if she had an accident, but there wouldn't be a puddle all over the Play Place.  We were there for a little under three hours...she tried going potty twice, and had NO accidents!  We came home and put her to bed, expecting wet clothes in the morning.  Morning came and went...she was dry...all night!

Scott and I bragged about how easy it was to potty train her and what a good job "we" were doing.  That's when karma decided to bring us down a notch.

She didn't use the potty once the entire day Sunday.  She had 5 accidents...all within minutes of sitting on the potty.  We made her help us clean up any mess she made, including taking off her wet clothes and putting on new dry ones (obviously, we helped her if she needed it, but didn't do it FOR her).  She couldn't have cared less.  Giving her candy when she used the potty didn't work.  Bribing her with a trip to the toy store didn't work.  Leaving her in wet underwear a little longer than necessary didn't work.  She laughed in my face when I told her that it made me sad that she kept peeing on the floor and not in the potty.

By bedtime, Scott and I were discouraged.

She woke up dry again this morning...after sleeping almost 12 straight hours.  So I guess that's a good thing.  But now she's refusing to even sit on the potty at all without a huge fight.  She hasn't had an accident yet but I'd bet they're coming.  Today is Day 3 (but our second full day) and I hear that it will probably get worse before it gets better.  Fantastic.

At this point, there's no going back.  We have no diapers left in the house, so she has no choice but to wear underwear from here on out.  It's a battle of wills, folks, and she's tough.  But I'm armed with coffee and tough love today.  Feel free to send some encouragement my way while I'm here in the trenches!

Recapping Again

Time to play catch-up!  There hasn't been too much going on since my last post, but enough that I figure I may as well come on over and let you all know what's up.

• I've been taking my PPD meds faithfully for a few weeks, and I'm having more good days than bad.  It's nice to finally be feeling "normal" again.  I've even started getting up at 4:30 every morning and exercising for a bit before the kids get here.

• Gerry had his 2 month well-visit a few weeks ago and is now tipping the scales at a little over 12 lbs.  He's still a happy little guy and I just adore seeing him smile or listening to him talk.  We've recently had to start bathing him in his infant tub in the bathroom (as opposed to on the kitchen table) because he kicks so much...last time I gave him a bath then kitchen table and floor were soaked from all his kicking!  He sticks his tongue out now, too.  :-)
• We're starting potty training boot camp with Bailey this weekend.  Scott is on Spring Break all next week, so our goal is to have her pretty much fully trained by the end of the week.  Pull-ups give her an awful blistery rash, so we have to go straight to underwear.  I'm anticipating LOTS of accidents, but keeping my fingers crossed for a successful week!

• The Easter Bunny was a big fat fail this year.  Bailey talked all day last weekend about how she wanted to see the "Eater Bunny" and sit on his lap.  She spent the whole time in line smiling and waving at him...and then froze when it came time to actually sit on his lap.  Gerry did fine, obviously.  At this age, he'll sit anywhere we put him.  Bailey, on the other hand, refused to sit down with the bunny.  No go this year.  Oh well...

• Scott finally completed his Master's program!  He graduated with a 99%, and a special recognition from his professor.

So, I guess I didn't have all that much to update on, huh?  And too bad if I did, because Bailey is NOT letting me get much done today!

Here We Go Again

I was awake at 4 this morning feeding Gerry.  It was still dark out and Scott was snoring (softly, for once), having just fallen back to sleep after making Gerry's bottle for me.  Bailey was snoozing down the hall and if I listened carefully I could hear the lullaby music playing softly on her radio.  The morning news was on quietly so I didn't feel so alone and Gerry was drinking his bottle while still half asleep.  I felt his little body quiver and looked down to find him silently laughing in his sleep.  He is beautiful.  He took one deep breath, gave a quiet little sigh, smiled up at me with oh-so-sleepy eyes, and fell asleep again.  I laid him gently down in the cradle next to our bed and tip-toed away and back under the warm duvet.  And I thought to myself, I can't believe I' m here again.

I started back on my PPD meds again last week. And I haven't told anyone.

I've been feeling the "emotions" creeping up on me the last few weeks but I ignored them.  At my 6-week postpartum check-up there was a little voice in my head shouting "I think it's happening again, ask for help"  But I didn't.  I smiled and chatted with the doctor and his nurse and bragged about how adorable my baby is and what a wonderful big sister Bailey has been.  I talked about how much I love wearing Gerry and what a great deal I got on a Moby wrap that I found on Craigslist.  I smiled demurely and brushed off his compliment when my doctor told me that I was amazing for going back to work only a week after giving birth, and I compared the levels of "diva" that our daughters share with the nurse, Veronica.

I did not talk about how sad I am that I'm not breastfeeding...again.  I didn't talk about how disgusted I am with my postpartum body these days and how I feel like I'll never be able to look in a mirror again without cringing.  I didn't talk about the all-consuming and irrational fears that I have now that I've got a second child to worry about.

I didn't talk about it.

I thought I was prepared for the emotions this time around.  I really thought that I had a handle on things.  Actually, I thought that I had come out this time unscathed.  Gerry was here and he was amazing.  Bailey loved him to pieces and didn't seem the least bit jealous of him.  Going back to work a week after he was born, while not 100% ideal, was probably the best thing I could have done because I was so busy that I didn't have time to do anything other than go, go, go. I couldn't allow myself to sit around in my pajamas all day with my teeth unbrushed because I had families bringing their kids to daycare.  I had to wake up and get myself ready for the day, even if that meant only throwing on sweatpants and brushing my teeth and my hair.  Physically, I had recovered pretty quickly.  At one week postpartum, I was feeling mostly like myself and was able to move around mostly pain-free and with ease.  Gerry was a wonderfully easy baby and he made "going back to work" such an easy and seamless transition all around that it felt like he had been a part of our group forever.  I felt good.  I felt fine.  I felt like I had this.

And then I started having nightmares.

I had a dream one night about 3 weeks after Gerry was born that our house was on fire.  For whatever reason, in the dream I was all alone and Scott wasn't there, and it was up to me to save both kids and myself from this fire.  In my dream, I scooped Gerry up and ran down the hall to Bailey's room.  I threw open her door and the room was filled with smoke.  I could hear her coughing and coughing and calling for me but I couldn't get to her.  In the dream, Gerry was a heavy weight in my arms.  I ran through the smoke looking for Bailey and worried about what damage the smoke had done to her lungs and what damage it was now doing to Gerry's.  I tripped over something on the floor and my last thought before I woke up was, I couldn't save them.

When I woke up I felt such a complete heaviness in my body.  I felt like I had actually lived it, like I really had run down the hall and tried to save my kids from a fire.  My body was tired and my heart was sad and I had a hard time falling asleep again that night.
 
Three nights later I had a similar dream.  Again, I was all alone and Bailey and Gerry were in danger.  This time they were dangling from the side of a building and I was standing on the roof looking down at them.  I had one piece of rope in my hand and could save one of them with it, but only one.  I remember trying to think of ways to save them both with that one piece of rope and feeling such a sense of loss and devastation that I could only save one of my children.

The night after that, I dreamt that Scott and I both died in a car accident and our children were left with no parents.  Realistically, I know that if (God forbid) that were to happen our kids would be well taken care of.  Both my family and Scott's love them to pieces and would step in and raise them in a heart beat.  But we had died and I remember, in my dream, being so sad that I wouldn't get to see my kids grow up and that I'd never know what amazing people they turned out to be.  I was so, so sad that they would grow up not knowing how much Scott and I loved them and how they were our whole world.

I was having dreams like this two or three nights a week.  And then I started feeling panicky throughout the day, running different scenarios through my mind about how I'd save my kids if I ever needed to.  I'd be in the middle of making lunch for all the kids and start freaking out about how I'd get Bailey and Gerry out of the house if an intruder ever broke in.  I'd put Gerry down for a nap and start running through the steps for infant CPR in my mind in case he stopped breathing while he slept.  I'd be giving Bailey a bath and see these images in my head of her somehow hitting her head on the faucet and passing out and drowning in the bath tub.  When I put them both to bed at night I'd picture the layout of our house in my mind and run through all the different ways I could run out of here with both of them in my arms if I ever needed to.

Sometimes I would get myself so worked up thinking about all the danger scenarios and how to save Bailey and Gerry that I'd have to force myself to sit down, take deep breaths, and remember that, at that moment, they were both okay.  I swear, it felt sometimes like I was actually living the danger instead of just projecting it in my mind.   It was suffocating and I felt like I was going crazy.  So different from last time, but still sort of the same.

The "sad" part of my PPA/PPD had taken a backseat to anxiety this time around.  I was expecting the depression.  The loneliness and the sadness and the feeling that I was walking all alone down a long dark hallway with no one around but my baby.  That, I was prepared for.  The anxiety and the fear were an unexpected and unwelcome bonus.  Because I wasn't feeling exactly the same way that I had after Bailey was born, I was hesitant to think that it was postpartum depression again.  But then I started a new daycare baby and I knew that if I didn't talk to my doctor it was a pretty sure bet that things were going to spiral out of control all over again.

It's no secret that I wanted to breastfeed both Bailey and Gerry.  And I did, for a couple of weeks before I had to stop.  Ironically enough, nursing triggers my PPD according to my OB.  I was devastated when I stopped breastfeeding Bailey and felt like the worst kind of failure.  When I was pregnant with Gerry I promised myself that I wasn't going to beat myself up over it if nursing didn't work out.  When I decided to stop with him, I had a good cry and moved on.  I was bummed and disappointed, but I was okay with it.  I'd given it my best shot and, even though I wasn't nursing him anymore, he was happy and healthy and growing, and what more could I ask for?  I really thought that I was okay.

And then this past week a new baby started.  His mother is both a "client" and a friend of mine and I knew that she was breastfeeding him. Before he started, we had emailed back and forth about what she should send for him, so I knew he was coming with diapers, a bottle, and milk that would be stored in my freezer.  But I hadn't thought about it beyond that.  The day the baby first started, his mom dropped him off with everything we had talked about, and pointed out the insulated bag with the milk inside.  After she left, I carried that bag into the kitchen, took the milk out to put in the freezer, and cried.

Those tears were totally unexpected, but I couldn't help it.  And, creepy as it sounds, I couldn't stop staring at those five ounces of milk.  And right then and there, I stopped being okay with the fact that I couldn't nurse my baby.  It was like that part of my brain switched itself off and I fell back into the "how come she can do it and I couldn't?" cycle of thinking.  I'd killed myself to pump for Gerry and was never able to get more than two ounces in a sitting...and that was in a 45 minute to an hour-long session.  I felt like a failure all over again.  And I felt guilty.  And I felt like less of a woman for not being able to do it.  Right then and there, with the freezer door open and a bag of another woman's breast milk in my hand, all the control that I'd built up over the last few weeks crumbled and I turned into a crying mess.  I realized that, not only was I not as okay as I'd thought, but that I was also going to have to deal with this for quite some time.  The baby would be starting full-time soon and I couldn't sit around crying every time I fed him.  And I couldn't keep avoiding the freezer and that milk, either.

That night I had another dream that I couldn't save Bailey and Gerry.  I woke up exhausted and sad, and I knew that this wasn't something I could just coast through until it went away.  Luckily, Gerry had his two-month well visit that same day.  I mentioned how I was feeling to his doctor and he called in a prescription for me.  And the rest, as they say, is history. 

I hate that I'm back on medicine.  And I hate the part of me that can't just let go, the part of me that needs the meds.  And I really, REALLY hate that there's a part of me that will never talk about it out loud with someone.  Not even, really, with Scott.  I just can't do it.  I can barely write about it, though I think I've done a pretty good job taking up all this space here.  I'm not ashamed.  And I know I'm not alone.  I just hate the stigma that goes along with the term "depression".  Like we're all crazies just waiting to blow.  While I'm on the subject of things I hate, I also really hate that I've gone through this, not once, but twice now.  It sucks.  And it pisses me off because I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of important things when I'm "stuck in the haze".  If I have to find a positive, though, it would be that I was prepared and sought help sooner this time.  So, well...there's that.

And there's also the fact that I got another beautiful baby out of everything.  And, oh my lord, is he beautiful!  So I'll take the meds and I'll get back on track again because, depression be damned, I don't want to miss a single second with my babies.