Oh, Darling, Don't You Ever Grow Up

There's a line in this song by Taylor Swift that goes:

"Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up

don't you ever grow up

just stay this little"

For the last few days I have not been able to get this song out of my head, and it just seems so apt at the moment. I've been keeping in touch with some of the parents whose kids I taught in the toddler and preschool rooms at Play and Learn, and those kids are now going off to Kindergarten.  I first met them as babies, and had the pleasure of watching them all grow into these amazing little people...and now they're "big kids" heading off to school.  Some of the moms have been talking on Facebook, asking each other whose son or daughter has what teacher for Kindergarten, and which kids are taking the bus to school.  I was reading one of the comments and I realized that in just a few short years that will be me sending Bailey off to school for the first time.  I thought about it for a second and then I got this panicky feeling...not my baby!

A year and a half ago, I would have rolled my eyes at any mother who was upset about sending her little one off to school for the first time.  Hell, I did it with some of the "newbie" moms who sent their kids to me for preschool and worried all day because it was their kid's first time away from mommy.  I used to think that these women were crazy for worrying and that their kids were totally fine without them all day.  I used to just shake my head and wonder why in the world they thought that their kid, when surrounded by toys and puzzles and playdoh and playground equipment fit for a king, could be anything but THRILLED.  Spending my days with the kids, I just couldn't understand why these mothers were so worried about their little ones having a good time at school/daycare.  And then I became a mother myself, and everything came clear.  It was, for lack of a better term, my slap in the face.

I realized that these moms weren't worried about their precious children having a good time at school.  They weren't worried about their children being "okay" and getting through the day without mommy.  They were, in fact, worried about how they themselves would get through the day without their child.  It's suddenly, glaringly clear that I'm going to have this same problem in a few years.  And I don't know how to fix it.

See, from the day Bailey was born, it has always been her and me.  Anywhere I went, she went and I genuinely liked it that way.  I quit my job and opened my daycare so that I could stay at home with her.  If I have to run to the store or to the mall, I take her with me.  When I have a doctor's appointment, she comes along.  If I've got a hankering for my Caramel Macchiatto, she comes along to Starbucks with me.  I spend, literally, every single minute of the day with her...and I love it.

When she was first born, she wasn't the easiest baby.  She used to have these screaming fits and we never knew what would bring them on or how to calm her down.  By trial and error, we found a way to calm her but she was still having the screaming fits regularly.  She was like a ticking time bomb and we never knew when one would start.  Back then, she depended on me for everything.  For food, for clothing, for comfort...everything.  It was my job to teach her to roll over, to sit up, to crawl, to walk.  I got up with her in the middle of the night and took her to every single doctor's appointment.  I held her hand when she got a shot, and I snuggled up and comforted her when she was sick or teething.   It was my job to BE THERE for her, and I happily did it all for her. (Disclaimer: Scott also helped and I can't negate that fact, but let's face it, moms always end up doing just a little bit more for their kids in the very beginning).  I also suffered through postpartum depression, which put a haze over how I saw things at that time.  I used to cry every day...over everything.  Whether it be the 3rd dirty diaper in an hour or seeing Bailey's very first smile, EVERY SINGLE THING, when it came to her, made me cry.  She became my whole life.  It was, and still is, difficult for me to leave her for any period of time.  She's my favorite person and I'm her mother, and there really is nothing like that bond.  But I'm slowly coming to the realization that now I need HER more than she needs me.  Much more.

Now that she's walking, Bailey doesn't want to sit still long enough to cuddle anymore.  She wants to feed herself and do her own thing in the bath tub.  She can now choose what she wants to do and where she wants to go (within reason) instead of me choosing for her or just picking her up and moving her where I wanted to.  When I pick her up for a quick hug or snuggle, she lets me for just a minute.  But then it's back to wriggling to be put down and she's off to her next activity.  I'm still the first person she comes to if she's hurt or sad about something.  But now I'm seeing that she's comfortable with a lot of other people, too, and she doesn't need me to "ease" her through a situation.  She's a social butterfly with a strong personality and she doesn't need her mommy to hold her hand through ALL parts of her daily life anymore.

I, on the other hand, am somewhat of a mess about it.  To put it quite honestly, she defines me and I have a hard time separating myself from her.  I'm "Bailey's mom".   My day revolves around her...her needs, her wants.  Some may say that this is unhealthy, and I might agree...to a degree.  When I look back on this period of time, I'll NEVER regret spending this time with her or devoting myself to making her day as happy and as enjoyable as I can.  She's happy, she's healthy and she's well-adjusted.  She learns something new every day and she never fails to make Scott and I smile.  She's got his personality, and will say hi to anyone and everyone she encounters, be it another kid at the park or a random stranger in the grocery store.  She's outgoing and friendly (most of the time), and I have no doubt that when the time comes, she'll skip happily through the doors of her school and not give a second thought to what mommy is doing at home.

I just don't know what *I* will do when the time comes to send her off.  I always read about "weaning" your baby...weaning from the bottle, weaning from the pacifier or the thumb.  But how does a mother "wean" herself from her child?  She'll be totally fine when it's time to spend the day away from me...but I'm not so sure that I'll be as fine!

For those of you interested, the song I referenced was called "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift, and it's beautiful.  The lyrics can be found here:

Never Grow Up Lyrics - Taylor Swift @ eLyrics.net

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too
And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even through to you want to
Please try to never grow up

Don't you ever grow up
(Never grow up)
Just never grow up

Walking Feet

It's been another few weeks since I last posted.  It's been hectic and busy over here and, to be perfectly honest, I just haven't been much in the mood to sit down and devote some time to writing here.  Not that I'd actually GET some free time to do that with miss Bailey walking all over the place...but I apologize all the same.

Did any of you notice how I strategically placed the fact that BAILEY IS WALKING in there?  She's doing it!  She took her first steps just before we left for vacation in the middle of July.  It was slow-going from there, a step here and a step there, but nothing really major.  But then, on a Sunday (July 31st, to be precise) she took off, and walked a whopping 14 steps in a row at her grandparents' house.  Since then, she hasn't looked back and is now mastering the art of walking.  She's not quite a pro yet--there's still lots of falling down, but she gets right back up and continues on like nothing ever happened, and I'm SO proud of her for it!  She's able to pick herself back up when she falls (without any assistance) and she's walking longer and longer distances without losing her balance.  If you'd like to watch a video of my sweetie walking, feel free to check out the video on my Facebook page!  If we're not "facebook friends" and you can't view the video because of this, let me know or send me a friend request...the more the merrier, right?  You can view the video here.  Enjoy!

With her new-found skill comes independence, and with independence comes a propensity to get herself into trouble.  She's discovering that she can use her legs to climb-- not only up the stairs, but on things that she just shouldn't be climbing on...like her toy box, the book shelf and, most recently, our railing.  She's talking more, too, which means that in addition to the usual "hi" and "bye" she can (and does) tell me "No" when I tell her not to do something.  The video of her climbing and practicing her new vocabulary "Nooo!" can be found here.  In her defense, it's pretty damn cute to hear her talk.  At the end of the video she blows kisses and waves bye-bye.  She seems really sweet and innocent until I stop filming her; then she's back to climbing and telling me "no" all over again.  I love the toddler stage (so far), but parenthood is definitely not for sissies!

When Bailey Feeds Herself...

...SHE MAKES A MESS!!!

At dinner the other night, Scott and I figured we'd give Bailey a shot at feeding herself.  She loves playing with her spoons, and she's started to get frustrated with me spoon-feeding her and only wants to eat finger foods that she can pick up herself.  So we figured, why not?  After she finished her dinner we gave her a spoon and a container of yogurt and let her go to town.  She started off really well.  Grabbed the spoon, dipped it into the yogurt and put it right in her mouth!  The spoon was upside down so she had some maneuvering to do, but she ate better than we expected her to.  After a few minutes, though, she realized that she could get MORE yogurt into her mouth WAY faster is she just dipped her hands in the container.   So off she went.  And here are the results of her labor.  I'm not sure I've ever seen such a messy, messy child.  But she had fun...and she's learning!

Great attempt at using the spoon all by herself!

Absolutely covered in food

There was no question about her needing a bath after this!

Long Time...

I should be ashamed of myself for going so long without updating here.  But, strangely enough, there just hasn't been too much going on here these days now that the hoopla of Bailey's birthday is over.  Miss Bailey IS making leaps and bounds, though!

She's graduated to a sippy cup with a straw, although she still isn't drinking milk yet.  Doc says we can't start her on it until she has bloodwork done to make sure she's not anemic...and I just haven't been able to bring myself to strap her down and plunge a needle in her arm.  Luckily, though, my mom and Scott are going to take her on Friday (I just can't do it to her).

Bailey is THIS CLOSE to walking.  She's taken a few steps here and there, but hasn't quite made the connection that she can stand up and walk to where she wants to go.  At this point, crawling is much faster and comfortable for her...but she's close!

We've got a little chatterbox on our hands!  In addition to "mama" and "dada", Bailey has learned something new, thanks to her Mimom and Grandpop.  She now wags her finger and says, "No, no no".  It's actually really cute, with the exception of "no, no, no" when it's time to change her diaper.  She's saying "nice" (like when we make her "be nice" to someone instead of hitting them), and she's working on "hi" and "bye" and "night night".  This, in addition to all the babbling she does throughout the day.

For all her cuteness, I must admit that Bailey is becoming quite a drama queen.  If things don't go her way even the slightest bit she completely loses her cool and all bets are off.  In a matter of seconds, she can go from my little sweetheart, smiling and playing peek-a-boo to a raging lunatic, screaming like a psycho and throwing herself on the floor.  Seriously...seconds.  She's like a baby version of Jekyll and Hyde.

We just got back from our vacation in Ocean City this weekend, and we had such a great time while we were down there.  It's not easy sharing a house with your entire family (especially after you've lived on your own for awhile), but we made it work and everyone had a blast.  We hit the beach most days and the boardwalk every night...and we all made more trips than we should have to the ice cream shop on the corner.  I'm still kicking myself for forgetting to pack my camera.  Thanks to the rest of the family, I've got some pictures from our vacation (and am still waiting to see if there are more).

Being on vacation this year made me think about what vacation was like last summer, as a brand new mother.  Bailey was barely 3 weeks old  when we went and Scott and I were clueless as to what the heck we were supposed to do with a newborn at the beach.  Do we put sunscreen on her or leave it off her brand new and sensitive skin?  Should we put a bathing suit on her even though she won't be going in the ocean?  Do we pack her stroller?  How many diapers will we need?  Where is she going to sleep?  What if she wakes everyone up in the middle of the night?  The planning and packing was endless last year.  This year, however, I think we did a pretty good job.  We slathered on the baby sunblock, packed her 4 bathing suits and a few cover-ups, brought a box of diapers, put her in a pack-n-play to sleep, and weren't really worried about her waking anyone up in the middle of the night.  And we all survived and had a great week.

I thought that, to wrap things up, I'd share some pictures from vacation...both this year's and last years.  Check out how big our girl has gotten!

This time last year, she was a tiny little thing:

She was a peanut last year!

Three weeks old and so teeny

Who could forget the angry hat face?  Sassy

Tiny, tiny swimsuit

And this year...such a big girl!

Riding in Maddy's wagon on the boardwalk

Walking on the beach

Mommy and Bailey in the sand

She loved the ocean!

Beach babe

Fun with Uncle TJ

And, for your viewing pleasure, I'm tossing this picture in, too.  It's not from vacation, but it's one of my new favorite pictures of Bailey...love the big, toothy grin!

Daddy's so funny!

Until next time!

Just Had To Share...

...these pictures!  They crack me up, so this is what you get in lieu of a long post today.  Enjoy!

Who, me?

Bailey with the Stride-To-Ride Dino she got for her birthday

She somehow managed to climb on top of this...while watching tv.

Strike a (yoga) pose!

Goofy Girl

And here's one of my favorites....check out THIS face!

They don't call her "Brutus Beefcake" for nothing!

I also wanted to share this gem of a bib that I found at Target yesterday...quite fitting, isn't it?

'Til next time!

Party Hard-y!

Bailey's birthday party was this past Saturday and we had a blast!  She got lots of presents, got to spend time with all of her friends and family, ate (and made a HUGE mess with) cake, and had a great time.  It was wonderful to see all of the people who love her in one place together to celebrate her first birthday.  I got a bunch of pictures (see below), but didn't get any of her eating her smash cake!  She loved it and made a mess and I have nothing to show for it, so if any of you have a picture of it please let me know...I'll be eternally grateful!

I will admit that I got teary-eyed as we brought out her birthday cake.  We had a big sheet cake for everyone and then Bailey had her very own "smash cake" that she could dig into.  When we brought out the cake and everyone started singing "Happy Birthday", I just kept thinking of the last year and everything we've done and been through that's brought us to where we are today, and I couldn't help but be happy and sad at the same time.  Someone referred to Bailey as my "toddler" at the party and kept thinking, "No!  She's my baby, she can't be a toddler yet!".  But the more I look at her, the more I see that she IS becoming a toddler and is moving further away from the baby stage.  She's doing more, thinning out a bit (although anyone who's picked her up recently would disagree), she's developed a unique and funny personality, and she does something new every day.  She's amazing...

As we finished singing "Happy Birthday" to her, everyone started clapping.  Bailey waited a beat, then clapped and yelled "Yay!" loudly.  It was like she just knew this was all for her.  Happy girl!  I could go on and on about her birthday and her first year, but instead of keeping you all reading for the next few hours, I'll just post a few pictures from her party.  Enjoy!

Bailey and Grandpop reading a book

Uncle Drew and Maddy

She LOVED playing in the buckets of ice

BFFs

Love her little tutu-ed tush!

Checking out her presents

Opening presents with a little help from Daddy

This blanket was her favorite gift!

Bailey and aunt Diana

All in all, it was a great party.  Scott and I were touched and happy that so many people came to celebrate with us and with Bailey.  She may not remember this birthday, but mommy and daddy always will!

One Year Well-Visit

Just a quick post today!

Bailey had her 12-month well visit today and it went well, as usual!  She's tipping the scales at 22 lbs. and is 29 (and some change) inches long.  She's hitting every developmental milestone just fine and is growing healthy!

The only "advice" we got from her doctor was to start weaning Bailey off the bottle.  She drinks wonderfully from a sippy cup (remember the days when I was freaking out because we couldn't get her to drink from a sippy?) but she still takes her formula in a bottle.  He said to start getting her used to drinking formula in a sippy cup, but that we could continue with a bottle at bedtime because it's part of her soothing and comfort routine.  So, here we go.  Day one of formula in a sippy cup has been a fail!  But we'll keep working at it and I'm sure that, just like everything else, she'll do it when she's ready.

Bailey got two shots at her appointment (poor thing cried like she was being tortured and quartered).  The nurse who gave her the shots wasn't her regular nurse (although she was in the room with us), but a student who had graduated nursing school and needed to do a certain number of vaccinations for the office.  They asked if I'd be okay with her doing the shots and I was...but, of course, it didn't go quite as smoothly as it does with our regular nurse, Michelle.  The first needle went in with no problem.  It definitely hurt Bailey, and she tensed up just before she started crying.  But the second needle was difficult to get in and left an ugly red spot where the nurse just tried to push it in...not much finesse was used and I was upset that it hurt so badly for Bailey.  She screamed for a good 2 minutes and then calmed down, but still made sure to make all her "sad" faces, complete with a pitiful squeal or two) at anyone who looked at her on our way out.  My daughter the drama queen.

We were also told that she's need to be tested for anemia and to have a lead test before she can start on cow's milk.  I can totally understand the need for both tests and will be getting them both done.  Unfortunately, though, they normally are blood tests and we'll need to go to a lab and get her blood drawn.  I can't stomach the thought of her having a needle stuck in her arm for however long it will take to fill one (maybe two) vials of blood, especially given the fact that she's a mess when it comes to getting a needle in her leg...I can't imagine how she'll handle a blood draw and I'm not willing to put her through it.  So come Tuesday (since all labs are closed Monday for the holiday) I'll be calling every blood draw lab I can think of until I find a place that can just do a simple finger prick.  Cross your fingers that I'm able to find one!

Tomorrow is Bailey's birthday party and we're so looking forward to it...I can't believe we're celebrating her first birthday already!  Lots to do to get ready for it, and I'll be posting about it later on.  Until next time!