The Great Debate

Yesterday I was trolling browsing my birth board on BabyCenter out of sheer boredom.  After reading the millionth post bemoaning our postpartum bellies (come on, ladies, did you really expect your stomach to stretch to epic proportions and then bounce right back as soon as the baby crowned?), I stumbled upon the thread that led me to this blog post.  Anyone who has spent more than 7 seconds on a baby/birth website or who has "mom friends" will have seen and/or heard the major debates:  cloth diapering versus disposables, breastfeeding versus formula feeding, letting your baby cry it out versus tending to their every need, co-sleeping versus crib sleeping.  The list goes on and on, and a lot of women feel very strongly about their particular stance.  I personally think "to each his own".  I definitely have a "stance" as far as these debates go, but I won't judge another mother based on how she chooses to raise her kids...unless, of course, she beats or regularly abandons them or something equally as horrific.

I've been visiting parenting websites since my first pregnancy back in 2009.  I've seen and taken part in quite a few debates regarding child rearing, but there's one debate that seems to get women angrier, more defensive, and infinitely more pissed off than all the rest...Being a working mom versus being a stay at home mom.

If ever you want to be attacked by a pack of angry women out for blood, just mention this debate.  You don't even need to say which side you advocate for...they will all come after you if they think you lean "the other way".  I might not have much to say about the downfalls and merits of  a lot of debates because I simply don't have much experience with both sides on many of them.  I use only disposable diapers and have my own opinion on cloth diapers, but I can't say that cloth diapering is bad or weird, because I don't cloth diaper.  I can't argue the good points of crying it out because I don't let my babies cry it out before a certain age.  I can, however, argue both sides of the working mom vs. stay at home mom debate.

Those of you who know me or who've been following this blog from the beginning know that I'm a home daycare provider.  Because I run a business out of my home, I get the best of both worlds, right?  I'm a working mom, but I'm also at home during the day.  I get to spend the early and most important years of their lives with my kids, but I also get to do something and to make an income, however small it may be.  I can totally identify with both working mothers and mothers who stay at home.  And, you know what?  Neither way is better or worse than the other.  Both ways of life are just as hard, just as rewarding, and can be just as nerve-wracking when it comes to deciding which is best for your family.

A lot of people who work outside the home have kind of a skewed image of what a stay at home mom does.  Most of them think moms who stay at home just hang out and play all day and that, since they don't go to an office (or factory or school or whatever building other people work in), their "job" is much easier.  My own husband has used the phrase "Well, you're home all day..." when discussing why we don't eat dinner before 6pm most nights or why I'm sometimes a frazzled mess when he gets home from work.  

Yes, yes I am home all day.  But, daycare aside, I spend my day making meals and snacks for my kids, washing dishes (about 4 times before dinner), washing and prepping bottles, changing diapers, straightening up what I can around the house while the kids are napping, planning and executing fun activities for the kids to do, cleaning up any accidents that may occur around the house, getting the mail, taking out the trash, setting up doctor's appointments, sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor (after removing whatever mystery stains and goo I find after the kids have come through), etc., etc., etc.  This doesn't even include the time spent getting my kids dressed, brushing Bailey's teeth and combing her hair, disciplining and then calming her down after the 48 tantrums she throws before lunch, or cleaning up the 84,392 toys she leaves lying all over the place...or fighting with her to help me clean those damn toys, calming and soothing a cranky baby, or taking care of them when they're sick.  It also doesn't include the 14 outfit changes for Gerry every time he spits up or poops clear out the top or sides (or sometimes both) of his diaper.  I'm at home raising my children, not sitting on my ass.  I'm there to witness all their "firsts" and I'm there making sure that they're being raised with the values and behaviors that Scott and I want for them to have.  I get kisses and hugs and attitude on an hourly basis.  I'm kissing boo boos and chasing away monsters and calming fears, and that takes precedence over everything else I do most days.  Being at home with my kids is a 24/7 job.  It's hard and it's often thankless.  A lot of people who aren't home all day think being a stay at home mom is the easiest thing in the world...it's not.  But neither is being a working mom.

I can't speak specifically for other working moms because, plain and simple, we all work very different jobs with very different hours, and are expected to perform different duties pertaining to our jobs.  This is my own personal experience as a working mom.

My "work day" starts at around 6:15am, when the first daycare kids arrive.  And then it is, literally go-go-go until 5:30pm when the last kid leaves.  You read that right.  I work 11 hour days, 5 days a week.  My work day consists of making breakfast, lunch and snacks for all of the kids; giving bottles to the babies and spoon feeding the toddlers who aren't old enough yet to feed themselves; changing diapers; running kids to and from the bathroom;  working on potty training with the kids who aren't trained yet; teaching preschool; planning and executing all of our preschool activities; setting up lesson plans and materials for the next day; washing dishes from whatever meal or snack the kids have eaten (we really need a dish washer); sweeping and mopping the floor after meals; working on fine and gross motor skills with ALL of the kids; tummy time for the infants; helping the older babies with their rolling/crawling/walking skills; getting all of the kids down for a nap; answering emails/texts/phone calls from parents who want to check in on their kids or confirm some daycare-related detail or share a cute anecdote about what their kid did over the weekend or the night before.  This doesn't include the parental things I do for my own kids like the teeth brushing and getting dressed that I mentioned before, and it also doesn't include the hours I spend every day consoling sick, sad or grumpy kids, fixing boo boos, teaching them how to get along and play well together and then stepping in when they're having a hard time being kind to each other.  It doesn't include the time I spend after my work day is finished or on the weekends thinking up cool projects to do or games to play, or running to the store for art supplies or wipes or whatever other daycare-related items I need to keep the business running.  It also doesn't include the time I spend dusting and vacuuming and sanitizing the house to reduce the spread of germs and illness.  And then when the last kid goes home, I'm in Mommy Mode:  cooking dinner (or, more likely these days, ordering dinner) and then cleaning up after.  Then it's bath time for both kids, jammies and stories before bed, and then actually putting them to bed.  Then there's another hour or so putting Bailey back to bed after she's attempted every one of the stall tactics in her repertoire. And this is all assuming they're both having a good day and being really agreeable.  Factor in the middle of the night diaper changes and feedings and putting Bailey back to bed yet again and it's no wonder this mom is exhausted.


Being a working mom is hard.  Just as hard as being a stay at home mom.  When all is said and done, though, aren't we all just trying to be the best moms we can be?  Aren't we just trying to do what's best for our families?  All debating aside, whether you're a stay at home mom or a working mom, you're working your ass off every single day to do right by your family, and for that we should all be commended.