3 Weeks Old!

Gerry was three weeks old yesterday.  I can't help remembering how differently I felt when Bailey was just three weeks old.  I remember looking at her on the day she turned one month old and thinking how I couldn't believe that just four weeks I had given birth.  It seemed so incredibly surreal at the time, and right up until her first birthday I would randomly think to myself, I gave birth ____ weeks/months ago.  I was in awe of the whole experience, in awe of the fact that I had had a baby, in awe of the fact that she was here and she was mine.

This time around, I don't feel the same kind of wonderment.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still completely in awe of what I did and the fact that I had a baby (and, yes, I will shout to the heavens that I had an 8 lb. baby without an epidural)...but I think I'm just so busy this time around (plus, it wasn't so new to me this time) that I haven't really sat down and processed how awesome it is.  And it IS awesome.  HE is awesome.  The fact that I was blessed to grow another life and then bring that life into this world is awesome.  But I don't have the luxury of hanging out at home and just gazing at my little boy for hours like I did with Bailey.  Despite the busy-ness of our everyday lives, though, I'm still completely smitten with him.

Good Morning!

A little play yard fun

So here's a quick rundown of how our first three weeks have been.  In a word, it's been fantastic.  I mentioned in an earlier post how wonderful Bailey has been with him, and I still stand by that.  She just adores him and it makes me so proud to see her with him, whether it's just sitting next to him with her hand resting on his head, giving him a bink, or consoling him when he cries ("It's okay, Baby Gerry.  I know, I know.  I'm here, it's okay.")...to see her show him such love and empathy makes me happier than I ever thought it would.



  

I woke up the other night and found Bailey laying on the floor (in our bedroom) next to Gerry's bouncy seat.  He sleeps best in there so we've foregone the cradle for now, though we'll try putting him in it again soon.  Anyway, I found her laying on the floor next to him.  They were both wide awake and she was just talking to him about God-knows-what and he was kind of looking at her...like he really knew what she was talking about.  I would have just let them go and let Bailey talk his little ear off...if it hadn't been about 3:15am.And speaking of 3:15am...darling Gerry has not been sleeping as well as he was last week.  I'm chalking it up to (hopefully) a growth spurt and hoping that he goes back to "normal" soon.  The past few nights, he's been waking up every 1 1/2-3 hours and yesterday he would not nap for anything!  God bless him, though, he only really cries if he's super hungry and I'm taking too long to feed him.  He just keeps wanting to eat and eat and eat and would only sleep if I was holding him.  The second I put him down he'd wake right back up and fuss for a bottle.

FEED ME!!!

 Speaking of bottles...I'm no longer breastfeeding.  And I think I'm okay with it.  I mentioned in this post about not being able to nurse Bailey and how I really thought that contributed to my PPD.  Well, I gave it my best shot with Gerry, and he nursed right away after birth.  I was thrilled, and really thought that we'd be good to go.  I saw lactation consultants while in the hospital and spoke to a good family friend to get tips and advice.  I was told that we had a good latch and that I was doing everything right, but by the third day I was in pain all over again.  I was putting nipple cream on around the clock and making sure that I had Gerry latched on properly every time but it was still excruciatingly painful for me.  I was pretty determined, especially since he had nursed right away with no problem in the hospital, but the pain just wouldn't let up.  It got to the point where, just like with Bailey, I dreaded every feeding.  My mom knew how badly I wanted to breastfeed, so she had armed me with everything I could possibly need to have a successful nursing experience.  Thanks to her, I had nipple shields, cooling gel pads, comfort heating pads, nipple cream, nursing bras...basically anything and everything I could possibly need.  And I used the hell out of it all.  But nothing was helping ME.

 
Then Gerry started to get agitated at every feeding.  He'd nurse for a few minutes and then pull away.  I'd put him back on, he'd nurse again for awhile, and then start batting at me and rooting around for more.  He seemed frustrated and I was in pain all throughout the feeding.  He lost weight, and hadn't gone back up to his birth weight by the time we had our weight check at around 2 weeks old.  When he was born, he had blood sugar issues and jaundice that almost kept him in the hospital after I was discharged, so I was constantly worried about these things on top of whether or not he was getting enough to eat.  When he wasn't nursing, I was pumping to keep up my supply and it felt like all I did was either nurse or pump all day and night.  I wasn't spending time with either Gerry or Bailey because of it, and I started to feel stressed and sad.  Luckily, I realized it early and made an appointment with my OB. 

She conferred with another OB in the practice and they came to the conclusion that breastfeeding is a "trigger" for my PPD.  It doesn't come easily to me and I put too much pressure on myself and on my baby to do it.  The doctors made a good point...stressing out over breastfeeding was keeping me from enjoying Bailey and the new baby and was causing unhappiness at a time when I should have been excited and looking forward to spending time with my children.  And a stressed out and unhappy mommy can only lead to stressed out and unhappy kids.  If I'm not enjoying my time with them, what's the point?  So I started giving Gerry formula.  I wasn't thrilled about it, but he took to it right away and I found that I was able to really enjoy him and I looked forward to feeding him instead of dreading it (he looks right into my eyes and squeezes my finger with his little hand, and it's one of my favorite parts of our day).  I was also able to enjoy Bailey more.  The constant dread of feeding time left me with little patience and a lot of irritation, and poor Bailey had to take a back seat during that time.  Now, I could sit and talk to her  or read a book or just generally give her some much-needed attention while I gave Gerry a bottle and I could see that she was happier, too.  I wasn't spending my "downtime" worried about feeding the baby or constantly attached to the breast pump, and it felt good.  I was able to pump and store enough that I can give Gerry some breast milk whenever he gets a bottle (at least until it runs out), and I feel good that I can give him at least a little bit of "the good stuff".  I promised myself that this time around if nursing didn't work out that I wasn't going to beat myself up over it.  I did cry a time or two while I was weighing my options and making my decision but, ultimately, I think I did what was best for all of us.  Gerry is happy and thriving, Bailey is happy and loves to help feed her baby brother, and Scott and I take turns giving him a bottle in the middle of the night.  Do I wish that I could exclusively breastfeed?  Hell yes, I do.  But I'm not beating myself up this time around.  I did the best I could.  And the added bonus is that I'm not suffering with PPD and am on no medications for it...happy mommy, happy family.  

Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of the happy family.  I do, however, have a few pictures of Gerry.  And one of Bailey.  Miss Independent doesn't sit still long enough these days to get a good (read: non-blurry) picture.  So for now, I leave you with these...

Listen up, lady.  Stop taking my picture!

Snuggled up with mommy

Sleepy Smiles

My Happy Girl