Hold Them Tighter

I came on here to write out a lighthearted blog post, pictures included, about what life's been like in the Wanner house since I last posted.  Instead, I had to log off my computer, turn off my tv, and just give in to a breakdown.  For the last hour or so.

This is the latest news headline, compliments of Yahoo!, as of just a few minutes ago:  http://gma.yahoo.com/breaking-conn-school-district-locked-down-shooting-report-151955384--abc-news-topstories.html

More information comes in every few minutes but, in a nutshell, there was a shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut this morning.   

An elementary school.  Kindergarten to fourth grade...ages 5 to 10 years old.

28 people have been killed, 20 of them children, and I cannot...cannot...wrap my head around this.  They've been showing pictures on the news, and they horrify me to the point where I've had to physically cover my mouth because I'm realizing that I'm making these choking, mewling noises and I can't control them.  The pictures show children being led out of the building, frantic parents with tears in their eyes and total fear captured on their faces, and police and other law enforcement agents fanned out in the thick of things.

Because I have to keep turning off the television, I'm getting info in bits and pieces but it seems as if somehow the shooting began in the principal's office.  The shooter is a 20-something male whose mother is a teacher in the school.  I don't know why he was there or what provoked him but he shot and killed the principal and then continued from classroom to classroom...at one point, the newscaster mentioned that he had shot people execution-style, and that officers and first-responders were going to require counseling after the carnage that they witnessed when all was said and done.

I can't handle this.

I keep putting myself in the shoes of the parents, and I just can't handle it.  20 children were shot and killed at school today.  Hundreds of parents rushed to that school when they heard the news, and 20 sets of them were told that their child was dead.  My heart broke into a thousand pieces as I watched this on the news, and I can't even begin to imagine what these parents must be feeling.  I just can't imagine.

How are we supposed to send our children, our elementary-aged children, off to school each day knowing that something like this could happen?   That the place where our children spend the majority of their day learning and playing could, at any point, turn into a nightmare?  Things like this shouldn't happen today, especially not in a school.  And not to innocent children. 

I can't stand the thought of sending Bailey off to school and getting that phone call, of running to that building and finding out that she'd been injured or killed for no apparent reason whatsoever.  I couldn't handle it.  I wouldn't survive it.  I want to put her in a bubble for the rest of her life and never let her leave my sight just so I can be sure that she's safe and okay.  I want to tell her that I love her and that I'm so sorry that I brought her into a world where things like this are even a possibility.

I can't always be right there to protect her and it terrifies me.  And it makes me so sad that the world is turning into this kind of place.  I have no real connection to this shooting, other than the fact that I am a mother.  I don't know any of the families or the victims.  But my heart keeps breaking over and over again for them and I'm having a hard time getting my emotions under control.  Bailey is with my mom and dad right now; she slept over at their house last night.  I know she's safe and having fun, I just talked to my mom a little while ago.  But there's still this huge part of me that wants to drive over there and bring her home with me where I can physically see that she is here and okay and alive.  It sounds a bit irrational, but I'm not a rational person when it comes to my children. These days, we just can't afford to be.

I can't help but wonder what the parents of the children in that school are feeling right now.  I don't know how they'll get past this, or IF they'll get past it.  I'm so, so incredibly heartbroken for them, and for the children and adults who were in that school today. 

I've always made it a point to hug Bailey often and to tell her how much I love her.  I do it multiple times every day and will continue to do it every day for as long as she'll let me.  Today, I'll be holding her a little bit tighter.  And thanking God that she's here and safe, and that I'm lucky enough to be able to hug her until she squirms to get away.    Today there are 20 sets of parents who don't have that luxury anymore.  At the same time that my heart shatters for them, a voice in my head whispers that I am so lucky.  We may drive each other nuts some days, but I couldn't imagine my life without Bailey in it and I'm so, so lucky to be her mom.  I'll be holding her a little bit tighter and a little bit longer from now on.